To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

If the mum can’t provide clean pants for them then you have bigger issues than a few fancy clothes disappearing.

I wouldn’t allow my children to go to their dad’s house if he was incapable of washing pants.

Them turning up not wearing clean underwear is an issue I would speak to school about, if the DC are arriving at school in unsuitable clothing too then they may act on it.

In the meantime ask the DC to pack a bag to bring with them and retain some of their clothing at yours sending them back in what they arrive in. Stop buying lots of branded goods until the situation has improved.

Rubbish, if she didn't like them she wouldn't be buying stuff for them. She certainly doesn't like the free-loading mother, with good reason.

How do you know she doesn’t keep up with laundry this is just your opinion right rather than fact? You sound extremely bitter and resentful. I am a step mum too by the way but my girls also have a step mum. I have an amazing relationship with my husbands ex wife clothes missing? Toys broken, gadgets lost, homework not done or done, not liking food I cook, loving other food I cook. Let the kids be kids for god sake. You’re buying this stuff not them. If you don’t like buying it then stop.

How do they get to your house?
You need to start checking at the time, do they have coats and shoes? Do they have hiking stuff or swimming stuff if needed.
If the clothes are at mum's house, go get them. Don't go to the shops and buy more!

So stop doing it then.

Tell their mum to pack a bag for them for the weekend. Send it all back to her with them.

That really, really is the easiest way all round.

I used to do it with ds. If his dad had something planned, like swimming or something, he’d let me know and I would stick in a swimming costume. He’d come back with his bag and I’d stick it all in the wash. There was no need to keep any clothes at his dads house.

It’s nice to buy children clothes occasionally, but they are for them.

And hundreds each month on clothes? Ds is an adult now, but I have two younger ones, 5 and 12 and I don’t spend hundreds in an entire year on the pair of them.

Whatever their ages I would bet she knows exactly what she's doing unless she is incapable of seeing that the clothes they leave her house wearing are unsuitable. The new clothes from the OP's house are probably worn on all other occasions at her own house!

The 11 year old is old enough to sit down and talk to about this, and get on board with a plan. The 8 year old is young enough to follow instruction.

It’s shit for the kids but you are absolutely right to resent this.

Stop buying clothes when they already have them!
Definitely stop doing silly things like buying trainers you can't afford every 3 months.
If they turn up without their clothes, take them back round to their mums to pick their clothes up?

I share this sentiment.

My kids packed a bag with clothes when they went to dad’s house.

Every time you pick them up, I would start sending them back to the house for suitable shoes or whatever. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to learn this skill. If they are able to put stuff in their bag to go home then they are able to put stuff in their bag to go to dad’s house.

I would tell them to leave stuff at your house if they really can’t pack a bag each time. It might make them think. Otherwise you’re going to have to pretend things are in the wash so they are there for next time.

Oh don’t exaggerate

sounds like there are piles of clothes at their home, quite normal
i would stress less
buy less

There is something else going on if they are smuggling clothes under their normal clothes and hiding them in school bags. You should have put that in your op. As above, my dc go between houses and they don’t do that. If they did, I’d assume they were being neglected at their dad’s house and he didn’t have any clothes for them, in which case I would try to get to the bottom of it. But the children are right, the clothes do belong to them, not to a particular house.

I’d sit the SC down, describe the situation (we buy £50 trainers etc etc only to be never seen again, it is madness) and set the boundaries - if you do not bring back your things, I will buy cheap used things in charity shops/ Primark/Temu, and you will be wearing them until you start bringing things back home. We are not made of money. You can bring everything to the other two houses, fine, that obviously means you have nothing here. End of.

1. He would, but as we have shared finances this would end up costing me more because they’d end up coming home with fun stuff, not what they need. Which then impacts my household finances even more

Fun stuff instead of what they need???

When they've gone shopping with a fully grown responsible parent?

Honestly, it's not a SC problem or your DH's ex problem that you have.

You've actually married a child who takes no responsibility for the children he's produced.

It will be because they’ll have worn the nice clothes around the house for the last few days if they’re anything like my son. And changed several times a day, so you’re baffled why they’ve got not clothes when you’ve just done a huge load of laundry. Then despite knowing that they’re supposed to be going to their other parent, they’ll not tell you they’re running low on clothes and you won’t know until they turn up at the door wearing a scuba diving outfit, in the style of Rhys Ifans in Nottting Hill. And you’ll have to go with it because there’s no time to deal with it.

Sounds like they are very insecure if they are smuggling out their own possessions. Do you or your DH talk to their mother? If so could you discuss what is going on with clothes and personal items, is it her or is it them? Don't buy expensive small items and keep the best clothes at your house.

If they are “smuggling” them out, then there is obviously an issue that they are becoming aware of. Either they own the clothes, or they don’t.

Are you buying them for them or with the condition that they must only stay at your house?

It would be like my mother buying me a lovely dress, but saying I could only wear it when I came to visit. I wouldn't actually be mine.

Maybe they are just confused and want the things they like all the time, not just when they see their dad.

You need to stop this. Sure buy them things, but realise that if you buy someone something, it’s theirs to do with as they wish.

Tell their mum to pack a weekend bag for them in future and then this all stops.

Yes , including trainers and coats. Are they going back in the car ? If so no worries about the weather.

I wish I had this problem. Instead I get bags and bags of toys deposited along with the child, to the extent that next time said child will be travelling with an enormous box as I simply have no more space!!