Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

I’ve worked as a guide specialising in East London and city of London tours. Customers were overwhelmingly tourists and I personally think it’s highly unlikely OP would strike up friendships with Londoners doing this kind of activity.

Locally based historical societies tend to be based in areas that skew towards older affluent people (Hampstead, Dulwich, Highgate) who are already in firmly entrenched friendship groups, have know each other for decades and there are lots of cliques. Good luck to the OP trying to join in there.

All these friends you’ve made through the V&A, RA - are they truly friends or nice acquaintances?

I’m not saying OP cannot make friends in London and I agree, to a certain extent if you have a ‘get up and go’ personality and enjoy going out you can meet friendly, perfectly pleasant people. But I just don’t think the kind of deep friendship I suspect OP would be seeking is easy to establish when you are new to London, not working or in a situation where you have a ready made group of people to socialise with.

😂

Not unreasonable at all. I hate to bring this up because it often seems to be a default response might he be neurodiverse? He certainly sounds it.
You only get one life..Why spend it being stifled like this? Yes, the grass isn't greener but it doesn't sound very pleasant on your side of the fence.

I can see why you’d find it difficult to make friends. 😄

Depends what you mean. There are areas of London I’ve never been.

But inner London - the friends of mine who’ve moved here got to know their way round quite quickly. Incomers have more reason to go and visit different areas which no-one who lives here does.

I left last year after being with H for 46 years. I really couldn't face my last twenty living the same life, especially after he retired and I would be with him 24/7. I will say it's utterly lovely being free. Peaceful, calming but most of all it's clean and tidy😉

Can YOU see yourself continuing to live your life his way until either of you die, or do you want to live your life your way for the last twenty years? Don't forget you will never escape his gaze and control once he's retired. Does that thought scare you? It scared me.

You get one life. Sounds like you still have a lot of living to do. Get out there and have fun! If there aren’t massive financial barriers for you then I say go for it.

"So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”."

I would start The Conversation with your husband before leaping to divorce. You need to express your unhappiness at how rigid your shared life has become, and how this is not the life you want.

"I do love him, however I’m unsure if I love the man he is now or if I’m still in love with the man I met almost 40 years ago. I don’t think he was always this highly strung, I think with age, moving somewhere rural and the many years of life dictated by the children’s schedules has made him very happy with very little and very hesitant to expand his horizons.
When we met he was much more fun and open to new experiences."

There's your starting point. That you love him, but you don't love where you have ended up, with horizons so small you can't even listen to new music or do anything spontaneously. Give him the chance to try to be less rigid. If he insists on keeping all the self-imposed constraints in place, then I would consider divorce.

I'd make a concerted effort to fix an otherwise good marriage before walking away. The single life can be lonely and lacking support, as well as free. But equally you can't stay in a life where you are completely stifled. I think it's time to have some deep conversations about what you each want from life, and see whether there's a compromise, or whether these things are too different. He doesn't get to have his way just by default.

I am sorry to read this...
what was he like all these 32 years?
He literally looks at his DIL and comments on how short their skirt is?

I think with anything such an impactful nature, you should first speak to your husband about the seriousness of what you are considering and why. I would not be wishy washy about this out of embarrassment or not wishing to hurt his feelings – I think both he deserves to know and you deserve to be heard.

I do think he is owed a) and explanation and b) at least the opportunity to try to meet you at the table again. If he is willing, then he's unlikely to make any huge changes or a huge number of changes – but you should at least be able to tell if change is occurring and if it's positive.

I would also suggest a therapist for this sort of guidance – both for you and for you to see together. It has a lot of potential for disaster if not handled correctly for someone impartial to guide the process, whatever that looks like.

Do it. Do you want to waste the rest of your life with someone who holds you back from enjoying life the way you want to? You've raised your children together, now's the time to live life for YOU.

Really tough one OP, I feel for you.
I think, in long term relationships we all feel like this from time to time. There are times when the relationship ebbs and flows and we can feel close and then not so close.
The question is whether you still love your husband and would rather be with him than not. If the answer is no then you should sit down, talk to him and give him the opportunity to change, sorry OP but after 30 years together you owe him that.
If he really cannot change then only you know if you would be happier in life without him x

It’s worth having a tough conversation before leaving. Give him a chance to change. Have it a few times, don’t let him win or put confusion and smoke around you: you can say ‘you are very rigid and difficult to live with, I don’t want this anymore’ you are allowed to say that.

I ended up in a relationship like this, it was wonderful to start, but after we started to live together, I felt totally stifled by his limit to what he would enjoy or not. It got to the point where I preferred to spend alone so I could just enjoy things in the way that I liked. I loved him with all my heart but the relationship ended because of this.

He does sound like an absolute misery OP- is he depressed?
I would 💯 start with getting out and about without him more.

I'm sceptical you even in live in London.

You can live in it your whole and life and be oblivious to realities of different areas.

How have you stayed.
It sounds so controlling and coercive.
To the extent of your childrens partners?
That is so fxxked up.
As your children marry and have children, you won't see them for dust.
Their partners will be allergic and will say no.
Move while you can, while you are well and can future proof a home in london near your children.

Old age will be horrifyingly lonely and empty.
Get legal advice.
Get your paperwork together.
Leave him to his controlling everything.

I actually am speechless that your son is telling you about his discomfort over his fathers behaviour towards his girlfriend.

You sound like several women I know who would make different choices if they were back in their 50's.

But at least they live in an urban setting, are surrounded by friends and family, go out every day, lunch multiple times a week with friends, holidays without their husbands.

That was the condition of them staying married.
Ruthlessly living a very very independent life of them and their miserable grumpy personalities.

Don't leave it too late.
He will never change.

Oh an men like this hate the noisy chaos of grandchildren.

My friends husband complained only once years ago and she set up completely separated sitting room for her children to visit.
She told him he wasn't welcome in there.
He never complained again.
She kept her cosy sitting and has her book club friends over.

This
FYI, I was born and brought up in London, spent decades there.
Can be lonely

Life is too short to just sit there and let it all pass by you.
YANBU and honestly I would consider leaving him, start just doing what you want and stay married, or moving to London alone and staying married but just have separate lives.

This 100pc

Finding that life in your world has become gradually smaller is not unusual. Your world though seems to be hugely different. Some of the restrictions are being deliberately imposed by your husband. You are being policed in your own home.
It reminds me of an American fundamentalist cult who want to control wives.
It might be that he is unhappy too. Maybe he had dreams of different jobs or more exciting hobbies that he is now too old for. I think that must be explored. Your son may be able to help with that.
Food for thought OP

@Aluna

It depends where you live but London isn’t more expensive than other places in the SE. And you don’t have to eat out if you need to live frugally. There are so many amazing food shops - delis, patisseries, Thai, Korean, Japanese, French, Polish, Turkish supermarkets etc - you can eat very wide range of food that you just can’t get outside London without even going to restaurants.

This did make me laugh as you clearly have no idea about the reality of living outside of London in 2025! 😂

I actually live in County Cork, Ireland and I think our local food shops and farmers markets are superior to much of the standard supermarket dross available in the UK. There’s no M&S, Tesco stores, Costas or Starbucks etc. locally but we have lots of independent shops and cafes and the SuperValu chain of supermarkets are run independently too, so you’ll find different produce on sale in their stores throughout the country.

My adult DC love shopping locally here when they visit and my son always comments on the better variety of craft beers our local supermarket offers compared to London. SIL says she prefers our local SuperValu to shopping in Waitrose because of the wider variety of interesting local products on offer.

London is great for the tourists but I enjoy my fresh air and lots of space.

What would happen if you stayed married but you change your own lifestyle to match what you want?

Go to bed when you're tired, not when your husband wants to go by his timetable (create a little haven in a spare room perhaps if you can, so he can't say you're disturbing him going to bed at a different time), be spontaneous and go out if something takes your fancy. Invite him - if he doesn't want to go, that's on him.

Try relaxing in your own home for a while before you make any decisions based on one weekend. See if you can adapt to a change together. If he's really that set in his ways, it is likely that you'll want to walk away anyway, but if there's a middle ground to be found, why not explore that first?

Can you reframe this as an opportunity to sit him down and tell him how you feel? Focus on the key issues:
You are too far from your children, you want to be nearer,
You have let life go stale. You want to go out more, spontaneously, with less planning,
He's uptight, and needs to learn to relax. Does he ever laugh? It's really important for your health to chat and laugh and relax.
You need to start to live more.

Give him time to digest it. If he's still negative, you could suggest counselling for him to work out why he needs to live like an 85 year old, whilst you decide what you need to do next.

Hopefully this could be a fresh start for both of you.

I’d say it’s about equal.

Who said anything about overnight? You move to London you get to know it very quickly.