Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

In this scenario (with slightly different destinations but basically the same ages) I could have been your DD. DM let me do lots. I am late 30s and have never once thought she was a bad parent. Everyone does things differently! I had very fun teenage years and learned to be independent early but didn't take the piss. Love my mum to bits and vice versa.

As I see it, there are two principle parenting traps: being controlling (a helicopter parent), and being avoidant (a negligent parent).

Controllers stifle their child’s natural inquisitiveness, and taken to extremes, crush their child’s will. The child loses its sense of self. Such an individual is at the mercy of exploitative individuals, because the parent was unable to hear the child’s “No”.

Avoidant parents allow their children to roam but fundamentally do not take enough interest in that child’s development. Such a child may fall victim to malign influences, as the parents have delegated this role to the child’s peers. Children of these parents often fail to bond meaningfully with the primary care givers and become distant in adulthood.

Bugger all you can do about it now, though, except perhaps listen if your daughter wants to talk.

I was in a similar position to your daughter growing up.
My mum did try and have a conversation with me about it quite a few years ago and to be honest at the time it just made me feel more resentful about it as I (rightly or wrongly) felt like she was only trying to apologise to make herself feel better about it.
So I would say just focus on what ways you can support her and build on your relationship with her now and leave it up to her to start the conversation if she wants to.

Absolutely this. You are probably worrying for nothing. I've got 5, and one got one like this. No harm done, would have been more harm if I was micro-managing her at the time like I had to do some of the others. Sometimes you don't feel as close to one as the other (sometimes because they are not as difficult) doesn't mean that you love them any less, and as long as they know that, and they feel "trusted" then it's fine. But, yeah, do talk, I think it will help x

My parents were quite lax about me going places when I was young, but my friends' parents were the same. I never thought anything of it. They didn't let me go abroad when I was 14, but at 17 they would have if it was with a group.

My DM was like this with me, I'm the second child. I look back and I notice it - things like never going clothes shopping, doing much mother/girly stuff, trips away. You have plenty of opportunity to still do that if funds and time allow.

For some reason my parents never invested much in my hobbies in the way they did with DB and I suppose if I'm really thinking about it I wonder did they just expect me to get married off so why bother?! I'd love to know what assumptions were behind it.

Whenever I've asked DM why we didn't discuss choice of college she'd say things like but you wanted to go there...maybe she's right, I was head strong and do teenagers listen anyway.

I do feel I was very accepted by DM and I also did a lot in my teens and 20s.

You've plenty of opportunity to make sure your DD knows how proud you are, that you share in her ups and downs etc.

YANBU.

I could never take such a passive approach to parenting. At least she turned out great though.

I voted YANBU not because I think you were a bad parent, but because I fully understand the dread reflecting can bring but it isn’t unreasonable to do.

It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your daughter. We can all reflect on years gone by, ultimately wishing we’d taken different courses of action at the time.

I was DD1 of three girls. My “D”M enabled the physical abuse that me and my middle sister were subjected to from an early age by our “D”F while the youngest sister was the golden child. I was a social butterfly in my teens, not that my parents ever knew it. Funnily enough both parents cut me and my middle sister dead, disowned in our 20s. Youngest sister still the golden child to both and has inherited their narcissistic tendencies even with her own 3 young DDs. It’s awful and I wish I could prevent the impact she’s having on her DDs.
You're rightly questioning yourself as most decent mothers would, the abusive or enabling don’t ever think to second guess choices they made.
In your position I would bring it up and have the honest conversation admitting your faults and let her take it from there and hopefully she will confide her point of view. If worst comes to worst, you can try to repair your relationship having admitted where you went wrong and owned it. She sounds like she’s been incredibly independent and good on her for that but she did need some safeguarding that went amiss when she should have had it, very very lucky that nothing seems to have happened to her during those times.
Don’t beat yourself up OP. You have the integrity and presence of mind to know that you did wrong and you want to make amends. Most mothers, mine included, never even get to that stage of thinking. Please do have the conversation with her. It really could make all the difference to her.

YABU to think you are a crap parent (she's fine) but YAabsolutelyNBU to share these thoughts with her and show your humility/ regret.

I'm sure it would strengthen your relationship and if there was any sadness on your DD's part, it should really help her get over it. She sounds very independent and clever so she will have realised that you had a lot on your plate at the time.

She probably feels you trusted her and gave her independence.

Maybe have a chat and see how she feels.

I was like your DD and it never occurred to me that my mother's parenting might have lacked somewhat in investment -I thrived on being trusted and felt validated by her as I made my own decisions and shaped my own life. I felt she made an active choice to let me spread my own wings. After I moved to the UK, I had some therapy about a different issue and the counsellor reflected back to me that the parenting I'd received might have been permissive and 'arm's length', and made little effort to hide their disapproval. It completely blind-sided me as it was at such odds with my own perception of how I'd been brought up and the dynamic with my mum. We explored the counsellor's alternative narrative (which was quite a distraction as it had little bearing on the issue for which I had sought therapy in the first place) but I had to conclude that my authentic, lived experience of my teens was not one of neglect -I was just capable and in a position to manifest the things I wanted to create in my life with an unusual degree of independence.
You've not necessarily done anything wrong, and your DD might not think you did either.

I agree she may see it as you trusted her. She sounded pretty self sufficient (although I am a little agog at some of your choices) at a young age. Maybe she felt she had to grow up fast because you had your hands full with your boys. If you are close, perhaps you could meet up somewhere neutral and have a conversation about it. Also, no mention of Dad in this scenario - could he have taken the reins?

Those things do sound a bit neglectful and unthoughtful, she was very young to be able to do those things and also not asking where she was going to to uni.
I would talk to her about how you feel and apologise and also listen to how she feels. Waiting for her to say something is too late
But from the sounds of it you have a good relationship so it doesn’t seem as she holds a grudge, and those things are just a few instances they don’t make up your whole relationship over the years. You must have done things right if you’re close

She might not ever see it like that. If she does you can apologise, but you can't turn the clock back, so maybe just concentrate on giving her any attention she would like now. That's all you can do.

If you have a happy, successful DD who is still close to you then you definitely weren’t a terrible parent. It sounds like you had a lot on your plate. My middle child has ADHD and certainly takes up a lot of parenting time. We have a finite amount of resources and we need to put them when they are most needed.

There is no harm in telling her how you feel. But I wouldn’t be beating yourself up about this.