Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

Honestly this sounds like how I was parented, I was fiercely independent and any attempts at additional input/ oversight would not have been welcomed. I love my parents and are very close with them! I’m really resilient and looking back can see I entered adulthood with a secure grounding in how to live life! I’m trying to emulate the same with my children.dont beat yourself up OP, your daughter sounds happy

Has something happened recently to make you dwell on things? I had a lot of autonomy growing up and am close to my mum. She trusted me to do the right thing. Maybe she could have been more involved but I had siblings who needed her more. I was mature enough to see that. It sounds like your daughter is similar.

I wouldn’t. What’s the conversation for? For your DD to assuage the guilt you feel. Well, that’s not her job.

You seem to have a great DD, which suggests you did something right!

She might take a different view of her upbringing once she has children herself and may want to challenge you about that then.

But in the meantime, let sleeping dogs lie and deal with your guilt yourself. But don’t beat yourself up about it.

Talk to her about how you feel.
It must have been hard for her with her brothers, the result made her very independent, used to doing it for herself.
I'd tell her how proud she makes me, and that I'm sorry.
It could have went either way.
We have a similar situation, only DD hasn't flourished, she lacks confidence.

As someone who had a similar upbringing to your DD in many ways whose mother confessed to feeling like she’d let me and my brother down, I’d like to put in a note of caution about speaking to her about the way you feel.

What are you hoping to achieve? If you have a warm relationship with her, she’s most likely just going to feel obliged to assuage your guilt. Don’t lay that on her.

Something along the line of you wished you’d spent more time with her when she was younger, wouldn’t be too bad, but I don’t think going into your realization you should have been more on the ball with things is a good idea unless she bring it up in some way.

I think we all look back and think we could have done things differently with our children. At the time we just did what we thought was best. Nobody gives you a manual or training when you have a child - we are always wiser after the event. It sounds like your daughter is happy and independent so you must have done something right.

The problem with this is that parenting norms change over time- my parents would have been considered quite strict and very involved by early 90s standards but disinterested and lax by today’s standards. Eg parents didn’t go to uni open days with kids in the 90’s. It would have been considered a bit odd to have them with you. Now it’s almost mandatory. It’s highly possible then when my kids have kids that the pendulum has swung the other way and the intense parenting that we were encouraged to do is seen as awful.

Out of interest what were your own teen years like @IndSebCas ?

My parents were similar about letting me travel independently from a young age and generally have a lot of agency as a teenager. It’s pretty much impossible to know if what you did was a problem without knowing how your daughter felt about it. I just felt trusted to be sensible and even looking back it doesn’t feel to me like they did anything wrong. I always knew if I wanted them to be more involved in something I just had to ask. Personally I would have been hurt by a lack of involvement/interest in me choosing a university but I’m sure others would feel differently.

Your daughter may be very happy with her childhood or she may feel like you were disinterested and taking a lot of risks with her or like you favoured her brothers and cared less about her or any number of other things. If you have more capacity now then be more supportive where you can now she’s a young adult. If she ever raises it you can apologise, acknowledge you too often assumed she was fine because she wasn’t your squeaky wheel and you should have done things differently. If she doesn’t maybe it’s something to just leave alone. You can’t change it and she might not want to address it at the moment even if she does feel unhappy.

I wouldn't worry too much, times were different even 10/15 years ago. Nowadays many teens are given no freedom, is it any wonder there are so many going missing all the time.

Speaking from experience of parental neglect, I would say there is a high chance she won’t realise it fully until she has children herself.

where is her father in all of this?

Perhaps speak to your daughter about your worries about not parenting her as hard as you parented your other children. You might find she has a completely different view on this. Or, if she says your concern about this is valid, then you’ve acknowledged it so you can talk about it, say how sorry regretful you are and move on from there. Acknowledging something goes a long way.

I’m just wondering where your husband, her father, is in this? Does he have the same concerns about how he parented her?

I‘m also wondering if ‘mum guilt’ ever ends? I’ve never heard the phrase ‘dad guilt.’

I’m a happy, successful daughter. It took me time to even realise how wrong some of my mother’s behaviour and choices were. That process truly started in my mid to late 20ies IIRC.

but what matters is that OP is aware. So she’ll be able to take accountability and apologise if / when that time comes.

You facilitated your child's social life while giving her independence. What's to be ashamed about?

Say that you were a terrible mum. Say that you neglected her. Say that she struggled with that.

If this is all the case, and you talk to her about it now, how does that serve her? It might make you feel better but it doesn’t do anything for her. In fact, if she feels unhappy, all that you talking to her about it does, is make it her responsibility to make you feel better. You apologise and her choice is to accept that to make you feel better, or not and create massive conflict. It puts her in a really difficult position.

Instead, why not understand that even adults need their mums. Be a good mum now, and in the future. Be there, be supportive, be an emotional resource for her. Guilt is just the base state of motherhood. You met as many of your children's needs as you could but you didn’t meet all of them. None of us do. But it isn’t your DD’s role to make you feel better about that.

You’re overthinking this. Make sure you’re being a ‘good parent’ to her now. If the occasion is appropriate bring it up but don’t over do it - something like ….. remember when I let you do this, what was I thinking….and see what she says.

She sounds quite independent, which isn’t too much of a bad thing. My DD wouldn’t go to uni open days herself, though she flew alone to south east Asia at 14 to see her dad who was working there. Does seem odd not to even discuss which uni’s she is interested in or actually applying to. Yes I guess one day she might say something, but I guess you’re aware and can only apologise. Maybe she has no issue anyway.

I was kinda like your daughter.
I was completely independent and trusted from about 12.
I never did did anything risky tho so perhaps my mum knew that instinctively, I was so surprised when she insisted that we accompany my 16 year old sister on things I used to do alone at 12!
Even now though, I'm much more adventurous than my family and yet I'm also very very careful.
I do however, remember a few crazy incidents while on holiday that I now realise could've went horribly wrong and am so thankful they didnt!

So with my daughter, I tell her about all the dangers and how to avoid them.
And yet, I wouldn't have changed my upbringing, I loved being independent and being trusted.

Going to be honest I’d be a tad worried about my 14yr old going off to a different city by herself. Honestly I don’t understand, did you not worry about her safety at all? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, you clearly had your hands full. She was lucky nothing awful happened.

I knew you would get trite posts like this that do not acknowledge what can happen to young people without parental involvement. Its like they are switched off to the real world, and what can happen, so they can continue with their negligence guilt free.

There is a WORLD of difference between helicopter parenting and allowing a 14 year old to go up to Newcastle alone with peole she doesn’t even know. Safety checks are or should be standard, ditto uni and degree choices and being interested. It’s a very sad read tbh.

You are being very honest with yourself. You seem very aware you didn’t do enough to protect her.

I would share with her thst you were glad she was such a resilient and resourceful young woman but you are sad her brothers took so much of your attention and apologise. Tell her of your love for her, and that you regret not spending more time with her.

I would then vow to be much more part of her life. You still have time to make this better. You can’t rewind, but you can ensure she is fully supported now and in the future.

I understand your concern. I realised how checked out my mother was when I had children. She basically left me to it, and there were some horrible consequences to my life (not permanent thankfully) We are not as close now. Her emotional unavailability has left me with a sadness. Her lack of true acknowledgement beyond platitudes is inexcusable. I am cross she didn’t parent me better. Or look after me properly. She was always busy elsewhere doing almost anything else. It was her loss in the end. I would address it absolutely op.

Sounds like you raised her to be strong and independent! Nothing to be ashamed of at all. Everyone makes their own parenting choices - most of us in hindsight would think to do things differently. But if she's thriving now a big part of that will very likely be down to how she was raised.

It's the overly helicopter parents I believe are negligent and cause harm - either the kids learn to lie and conceal from a young age and can't confide when something goes wrong, or they end up completely inept unable to cope with the world because they were stifled from learning how to do so.

@IndSebCas You had two other children with additional needs, and your daughter, being the easiest, was neglected as a result. From a parental perspective, it is understandable why that might happen. Yet even easy children need a steadying hand, and I would certainly feel an obligation to intervene where safety/welfare or educational outcomes could be compromised. We all make daft decisions when young, so it is up to the parent to keep the ship on an even keel.

I think you’re beating yourself up too much about this. We live and learn and nobody is perfect, also many of the things you have mentioned will likely have had very positive effects on her. I’m sure she had an amazing time going to the concert and trips that you kindly funded for her.

And I have only one son now 18 with ADHD and it’s crazy how much time and energy has been spent just sorting out his educational needs, so I totally get why if you have a child that seems to be thriving alongside siblings who need more time and energy invested in their development, why you may not have spent as munch time and energy there. That’s ok, who knows, your DD might be the one to require a lot of time and energy later in life. I am one of 4 children and I really do think as a parent it’s a better approach to “give to each according to their needs” when it comes to your kids rather than striving to be scrupulously fair about how you divide your resources in general. I wasn’t much trouble to my parents as a child/teen but have really leaned on their support in adult life following an abusive marriage and divorce and single parenting and child custody battles etc. And have understood when my parents have needed to invest their time/energy/money in my siblings instead. My point is, parenting does not stop at 18 though it changes, and as you have a good relationship then you will have plenty opportunity to be a good parent to her in future so it’s probably better to focus on that rather than beat yourself up about the past.

Perhaps it’s fair to say that it would have been good to check out her friends etc before allowing these trips and yes showing more interest in her uni choices would have been ideal. I would have allowed all of this (except for letting a boy friend stay over at 16 but there are various schools of thought on that one anyway), but yes probably checked out who she’d be going off with a bit more etc. Certainly back in the day many of us did these sorts of things without our parents dreaming of getting very involved though, and nobody felt it was an issue. I do think we tend to helicopter parent too much these days, certainly on reflection of my own parenting I have the opposite regrets from you really, I feel I should have been a bit more hands off and encouraged independence a bit more.

But it sounds like fortunately no harm actually came to her and I suspect from your description of her, that she was rather mature and sensible for her age and possibly quite independent-minded anyway. Some teens genuinely don’t want their parents involved in that at all and do not see the need for their input. And if she was able to navigate the whole process without your input I think that in itself speaks volumes about her maturity and independence. I’m sure it’s much better for outcomes if the teen themselves is super involved in the process (unlike my son who had to be basically nagged to death before he’d fill in the forms and make decisions!).

I would speak to her about it and see how she felt about those things and the thoughts you’ve been having about them and your parenting of her in general. You may find as a pp said that she appreciated your trust in her and encouragement of her independence and does not have an issue with any of this at all. You sound like a lovely caring mum to me.