Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

Children don't grow to hate their parents because they made a few parenting decisions that were in hindsight questionable or because they weren't the perfect parents because resources were stretched. It sounds like your DD's wellbeing and happiness was always important to you, but on reflection you can see that you dropped a few balls here and there but luckily seem to have got away with it. So I'd just thank your lucky stars and have an honest conversation with her if she ever raises it with you.

My parents were very loving and caring and - ironically - over-protective but unfortunately did parent in a way that has had long-term consequences for their children. Lots of "children should be seen and not heard", perfect behaviour expected at all times, parenting through guilt ("I was very disappointed when you didn't play nicely with X or were too shy to talk to Y") and not enough opportunities to run wild, let off steam and make friends with other children in supportive, non-judgemental environments. A lot of this wasn't their fault - they were very financially stretched and busy when we were growing up, and the community we lived in was very small and a sort of "everyone knows everyone" kind of place. But the effect of this was to severely limit our confidence in a way that has had knock-on effects into adulthood. We still don't hate or resent them at all, we love them very much. And my DM is the first to say "let them play, they're just being children" when I worry about my DC annoying people around us.

OP you sounds like a good mum. Generally bad mums never worry about whether they were a good mum!

I agree just talk to her…… my mum wasn’t perfect but she was a really good mum. She would sometimes come to me and tell me how she worried she had failed me. Ironically, it was never the ways I had actually felt failed! It was always some random thing I’d totally forgotten about! If you loved her, she probably thrived on this level of freedom.

but if both her siblings had additional needs, it is possible she felt a little disregarded. I think the antidote to that is acknowledgement. Just have a chat to her, and tell her how incredible she was as a teenager- self sufficient, independent, socially able, hard working etc…. But that you can imagine, because her brothers had more explicit needs, did she ever feel unseen by you? If she did, just sit with her and hear that with her. Ask some open questions ‘How did that feel for you?’ ‘Do you have specific memories you want to share?’ This will help her feel properly witnessed. Then say sorry. Say you get that and can understand it. And tell her how much she is loved, and how much you see everything she is and was as a teenager too. And tell her that while she is very self sufficient etc, she can always come to you if she does need help…. You will always be there. You know she has needs too.

even if she has no such injury from her childhood, that’s a lovely conversation for anyone to have with their mum. And if she does, then it could help heal things.

set proper time for this, obviously away from her brothers or other distractions…. So it’s not just ‘I’m asking so you can reassure me’, but that genuinely you are wanting to share and understand anything she wants to share’. I think she would appreciate it.

Another thing I've been mulling on having read the responses is that while there are clearly some things that are always abusive or always neglectful, there are also parenting styles that work very well on some kids and not others so it's not really possible to say that most things are necessarily good or bad, but can be good or bad depending on the child and how they respond to that. One of the things I struggle with as a parent is that my two DC, who are close in age, would really benefit from v different parenting styles but that's hard to achieve because I'd be having different rules for them which they will riot about.

That sounds very much like my late 80’s teenage years - although I didn’t go abroad alone until I was 18. My parents were not particularly permissive and definitely not neglectful in anyway. I grew up to be very resilient, confident in dealing with most situations.

It actually makes me sad that I don’t think my own children are particularly independent or resilient in the same way. I think they missed out.

It does seem pretty hands off!
At 14 DCs were out and about in our large city but not travelling across the country!
I remember when DD was 16 she was in to a lot of Indy music and had made friends online who were also fans of the bands. We had a girl from the continent come over by coach and stay with us overnight to go to a gig! The girl was 15 I think (def younger than DD) and I said if he happy to chat to her DPs to say we were legit(!) but apparently it wasn’t necessary. I was pretty surprised!
I was also v involved in uni choices as we would be contributing financially, plus it’s a bit miserable going on your own to open days (DCs did go with friends to some of them but we took a keen interest ).
She prob realised you had your hands full with your two DSs and had to be independent. DD spoke to me a couple of years ago to say she kept a lot of problems to herself as a teen as DS needed a lot of support - I’d advise a good chat!

I voted yanbu, not because I think you’re a bad parent but because it’s good that you’re reflecting and wanting to maybe discuss it with her.

For what it’s worth, I was like your DD. At the time I liked the independence…my DB was a little troublemaker and my sis a bit of a space cadet, and I think my parents just saw me as one thing they didn’t have to worry about. The thing is, I did go mildly off the rails without them realising - the sleepovers and trips away with friends were sometimes house parties and hanging around with less than savoury characters. I never developed a drug habit or let it affect my academics, but as an adult now looking back I see a lonely, confused girl who was seeking some validation and attention. I drank too much and blacked out on occasion, and sometimes I look back and thank my lucky stars no serious harm came to me.

None of that is to say that’s what happened to your daughter, it’s just my example, but it could be that she feels like, because she was so reliable, people stopped looking too hard or taking an interest. What you said about her uni choices/ open days really struck a chord with me, because I remember thinking that about my mum. I don’t think she knew where I was off to/ what I was doing until I told her the results of the ucas applications. And she was supportive in that she paid for my accommodation away from
home, and gave me an allowance etc. She was absolutely not neglectful.

Its worth saying that, in the years since uni I think my mums come to realise that still waters run deep, and just because I keep it together doesn’t mean I’m necessarily ok. I’ve got a good career, marriage, two lovely DD’s of my own (who my mum dotes on and spends lots of time with). Ours wasn’t a dysfunctional relationship, but I do tend to keep on trucking until the wheels fall off, and I wonder if that’s got something to do with being the “dependable” one as a kid. It could be that in having this discussion with your DD, it lets her know she can come to you with any struggles she has, or feels her dependability is taken less for granted/ not tied to her value as a person.

Also want to say, OP, that I think you’re actually a really good mum, because your post shows a lot of introspection and consideration for your DD’s perspective. None of us is a perfect parent and everyone gets stuff wrong - it’s the self-awareness and ability to reflect that separates the good from the bad, I think (hope 😅)

You are clearly a thoughtful and decent person. You remind me of my dear friend, who was the only one earning in her family and who raised her only child in a similar way, only she, her husband and her dd also had to care for a live-in foreign mother of hers. My friend travelled for work a lot and when she was not at home, her daughter was also a hands-on carer for the old woman who did not speak English. She too is now beating herself up saying 'how could I dump my mother on such a young child'? Too heavy a burden, not a normal childhood. Also, she did not know what universities she applied to. However, my friend had to earn, that was her lot and your had your lot to deal with. Don't beat yourself up about it - your dd turned out wonderful, just as my friend's dd. Thank God for that.

I was also like your daughter. I think my Mum was a more interested parent until my brother unexpectedly came alone when I was 15, and my parent's marriage was going down the pan by then. They never asked about my A level choices, I got myself to Uni open days alone and I just got on with life by myself. I married at 22 and no one asked me if I thought it was a good idea, they just turned up (separately!)
At the time I thought little of it, I was capable and sensible, but now with 4 grown up children of my own it does make me feel that I WAS neglected somewhat... my Mum was so wrapped up in a) my brother ...golden child...and with resentment at my Dad going through their divorce that all I was was the go between.
It took until my 40's parenting my own teens, to feel sad and a little resentful, as I had 4, one with disabilities and one who was very hard work as a teen and yet I still managed open days, and kept a close eye on everyone and was involved with their lives.

I did bring it up with my Mum once...it didn't go well! She was very defensive.

Your daughter sounds sensible and was obviously capable, but I don't think it would hurt to talk to her and apologise... and don't defend yourself even if your reasons were good; if she has children she will look back one day in their teens and wonder why .

Having been raised by a controlling, manipulative, unsupportive, judgmental and suspicious mother, I can tell you that you sound absolutely lovely.
You trusted your daughter and allowed her the opportunity to have these experiences, and I’m sure would have helped her had any part of it gone wrong.
The fact that you are still close with her and reflecting on your behaviour and wondering if you did the right thing says everything about your heart being in the right place OP 🩷

My brother was born when i was 12, and he had a profound disability. I was pretty much left to my own devices as a teen. my parents didnt come with me to visit universities, when my friends parents did. I took myself there on my first day. I got a boyfriend at 15 for the company really, that feeling of being looked after. I am not massively close to my parents now and while I love them very much, it wasnt until I was older I realised the effect it had on me. In many ways it's been good - I am very independent, but there is a barrier between me and my parents. My brother even now gets all o9f their attention, understandably, but here is an unspoken thing like I never need any, which obviously isnt the case! I actually would, in a very managed way, speak to your daughter about it. Its not about self flagellation, or taking loads of responsibility - you did the best you could at the time, but I do wish my Mum and I had a more open relationship now, which we could have if she reflected i think.

OP I was like your DD. My brother was 2 years older than me and had undiagnosed autism and some mental health problems as a result. Despite being younger, I was always the “sensible one”, so I was pretty much left to my own devices. I wasn’t neglected, and I always knew I was loved, but I was allowed to do things that I’d never allow my own kids.

But obviously I’m not stupid. I knew my brother needed more supervision and support than I did. So whilst I marvel at the freedom I had, I never question it, because it made sense. I’m a very self sufficient person, and I would have hated having to stay at home all the time , and not been allowed to make my own decisions.

My parents gave me similar freedom and I feel grateful to this day that they trusted me, that seems the most important part of this story to me. You could have a talk with her about this if you wanted, you say you are still close so I wouldn’t worry personally.

I have a few kids and other kids we've acquired along the way. But one of my DDs was very self sufficient from day one, I also always felt she was safe and sensible, in a way none of the others were. She did go off abroad with friends at 16 and 17 (and probably every year there after) , arranged it all herself. I did involve myself with uni choices, but because I wanted to, she was quite clear she was on it (Although she was happy to have my company). We did go out shopping together and other mother and daughter stuff, but we were always more on a level that parent and child, it's hard to explain. Also thinking about it, from mid teens, she never asked really asked permission, but was always reasonable and sensible so it was never questioned.

We have actually talked about this, and she just laughs and says I'm over thinking, she'd have hated to have me always on her case.
She's probably the child I'm closest to now.
Some kids just require less parenting.

It depends on the area.
I was a teenager in the 90's. I done what I wanted, as a younger child we'd play out for hours, not only my family, most families.
I'm much stricter on my children.
We experienced things that we didn’t have to as teenagers.
Parenting has really changed.

I'm pretty sure my mum didn't know where I applied to uni, I've never given it a seconds thought. Like a lot of people I went interrailing at just 18 before mobile phones and noone had a clue where I was for a month. I have a very independent teen daughter and she doesn't want the inquisition about her friends etc. She is sensible and I trust her (up to a point). But she'll be a fully fledged adult in two years. If she wants to leave home and do her own thing she can. How will it help her if I'm hovering over her every move now? Our job is to give them wings to fly. That means gradually letting go over the teen years. None of the things you have said are horrifying. Slightly ill advised at most and luckily no harm done. I would forget about it. It's the hurtful things parents say or the failure to protect against abuse that is hard to get over. Also, love conditional on behaviour or exams, criticism when the young person is trying to find their own identity, nit picking, pressure to do well, not respecting their growing independence, dismissive of their legitimate needs and wants, rarely offering love or support etc.

It's not until I left home that I realised my parent's permissiveness and indifference was actually neglect. I have my own children now and yes it made me see how little they cared.

I may add it wasn't "standard parenting" . Parents in the 80s were as protective of their children as parents are now. This notion that kids were entirely left to their own devices is false, I was an 80s parent and now I'm parenting my 5 year old GC in exactly the same way and it's no different to my now peers.

I’m a bit like your daughter, when I reflect on my parenting.

I don’t think my parents knew where I was applying to uni, they probably roughly knew but I wasn’t really a significant topic of conversation. They let me go to uni open days across the country solo with friends, including overnight stays. I went abroad with a friend at a young age.

I don’t remember much guidance on A level choices etc.

I would happily have crossed the UK on trains and planes at 15/16 without much worry.

I don’t see this as neglectful at all. I was independent and capable. I asked for help when I needed it. I got into some scrapes but sorted myself out. My sister was the same. My brother was mollycoddled and honestly is much less independent even now as a grown man.

If I really reflect, I think perhaps a touch more interest might have been nice, I probably did crave some attention, but I don’t begrudge my parents. I was mostly happy, and continue to be. I am however, more interested in my own children’s academics and interests, but equally happy to give them independence and freedom.

We can all reflect and find fault, but ultimately you raised a happy daughter and adjusted your parenting to your circumstances and her style. That’s ok, no need to beat yourself up about it.

I'm staggered by the responses on here and had a father posted he would have been flayed alive. It's true to say OP had a lot to deal with but her examples made me anxious just reading them. Her DD was a child, being allowed to do adult risky things. Of course she would be delighted but it was OPs responsibility as her mother to weigh the risk and as a parent put boundaries that were safe in place. Yet everyone is saying no harm done etc.

My mother was similarly permissive.

Unfortunately it didn't end as well for me as it did seemingly your dd, though my mother doesn't know about any of it. I found myself in dangerous situations I was too young to handle and was abused.

I blamed myself for what happened to me. It wasn't until dd started reaching the same ages that I was when the events happened, that I was truly aghast at my mother's parenting. I thought it was my own fault for so long, but looking at dd now I realise I was just a child, and the adults should all have known better.

Oh dear god.

I am all for therapy when needed, but there is zero point in it here - there is nothing wrong and nothing to discover. The OP was just a bit more liberal than she intended, due to the pressure of 3 different kids' needs.

There's no need to make a drama out of this.

It just sounds to me like you trusted her, and used a type of parenting that was usual in the 80s\90s. It seems to have worked fine.

Personally, I think better that than the over parenting that is quite common now - that's really disabling for able kids like your daughter.

You can for sure acknowledge to her that you now realise you were more free range than you intended to be, simply because her brothers' needs grabbed more of your attention - but don't make it more than it is.

I think you should go into therapy to talk through your own feelings - don't talk to her about it because that is just you trying to assuage your own guilt. Therapy will help you understand whether you really were neglectful and why or whether you are being too hard on yourself. My guess is that it will be a bit of both - perhaps compared to your other kids she didn't seem to need as much support (even though she would have done) and perhaps as your only daughter she didn't seem as 'separate' from you as your sons. It can be a common pattern for a mother to be more neglectful of a daughter than a son as she sees the daughter as an extension of herself.

My parents allowed me to do very similar and more as a teen. As I remember it I felt they were quite smothering and intrusive if they asked anything about my plans! I also do not think they were unusually permissive, quite the opposite. It was the 90s though!

I think you have done a great job. I don’t understand people on here who don’t trust their late teens as far as they can throw them, but the second they turn 18/ go to uni “they are an adult “ and you aren’t allowed to get involved. Sounds to me like you gently lengthened the leash whilst she still lives at home and it worked as she is successful and actually likes you, which is more than most can say for their 25 year olds TBH!

What you describe was pretty standard parenting when I was a teen (am in my 40s) - I didn't see a single parent at a university open day ! My friends and I did several youth hostel trips as teenagers which our parents were minimally involved with.

Which just goes to show, it isn't intrinsically bad parenting - the norm now is to be more involved with your teen's lives but that's the current zeitgeist