Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

I think what will go a long way if she ever feels like that is that you have reflected enough to say yes actually you’re right, I’m sorry, I wish I’d done it differently.

I was just turned 16, doing my GCSEs when my mum went and moved in with her bf. She paid the rent, did my shopping, but I lived alone until I was 17 nearly 18 and the flat I lived in needed to go back to the owner. Then I had to move in with her bf too. Not great parenting,

I also managed to get away with going out clubbing from age 14 etc. but I’m still close with my mum. I actually think having freedom at that age was helpful as I was pretty independent and all of my friends/people at school were doing the same.

I'm still close with my mum, I think she acknowledges she could have been a better mum but I don’t hold too much of a grudge. She’s the most normal out of me parents and my in laws. Is supportive and there for me. I base our relationship on what she is like now more than what she was like when I was a teen

I was a teen in the 80s, child in the 70s and I was very much raised like this. From 10 I had a door key and came home to an empty house, my parents both worked, some days I'd start tea for them. At weekends I'd go off on the bus to the nearest town/city with mates. There was a group of us on our estate, we'd roam through local fields or derelict estates in the holidays. Yes, we got into some scrapes, but we were a mixed age group and we learnt from the older ones. I spent some holidays with a relative and she'd just leave me to my own devices all day.
Ironically the only real danger I faced as a teen was in was in a well arranged job with supposedly well thought of adults (one of whom turned out to be a nasty bastard). But I was confident and independent enough to hang up my apron and walk out.
My own Mum left home at 15.

I’m really shocked you were so disengaged that you didn’t even ask her what universities she applied to, like it never came up in conversation at all from GCSEs onwards.

my husband was independent from a young age because his parents were uninterested in anything he did and continue to be now. From their perspective he thrived, from an outside perspective he was forced to grow up and take control as he didn’t have actively involved parents.

Honestly, I think currently we overparent, massively, our young people and don't give them the skills and trust to make their own decisions.
There is endless discussion at industry level about how incompetent many young people are at making decisions and taking responsibility for their own actions. At school, they have been spoon. Fed all information and at home in many cases, their parents get involved in all elements of their life. Even when they at university.
Some of those things you could have done, but she has thrived, perhaps in part because you didn't over do everything.
I would discuss it with her and let her know It wasn't deliberate as differences between siblings always bad. But also let her know how proud you are for doing stuff her own way.

I honestly don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I left home at 16 and had a baby at 17, my parents were terrible parents for various reasons hence that situation occurring in the first place.

I’d actually say it would be usual not to check with parents about the Newcastle situation when your child was 16/17. It’s a grey area really, not quite an adult but definitely not a child and legal to do various things like have sex and drive.

Plus I don’t really know why you’re beating yourself up when she’s flourishing and you’re also both close! You clearly did a great job, she’s independent and doing extremely well in life.

I think teenagers showing maturity doesn't mean they are mature though, I told my mum i was staying with my friends for the weekend at 15 i was no where near my friends house, I was all sweet and "mature" at 15 so I got my own way.

I think you let her do those things because she was mature and trustworthy, and if she is happy and close to you now you did a great job op.

Secondly if you are reflecting and regretting - that’s also just the sign of diligent parenting.

Thirdly, I would mention this to her when you see her. She probably doesn’t see it that way, or harbour resentment if you two are close.

I would love to have a close relationship with my daughter (she’s 3 now). So taking notes.

The proof is in how she is now.
You did your best at the time; as we all do.
Hindsight judgment is a thief of joy.

I grew up in a similar position to your daughter. I never said anything to my mum as it couldn't be helped - it was just the situation we were in and my sister needed her more than i did. But she has since acknowledged it - apologised and makes a huge effort now. We have a great relationship. It makes me very aware of how I parent my own kids but I recognise i have a morw space and flexibility she didn't have.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it but I do think you should have a conversation with your daughter.
Not to ask for forgiveness or whatever that might seem a bit like emotional blackmail or a surprising response from you if you've never brought it up before.

I would start by saying you've been reflecting on their teenage years and are aware that as the only girl, she was given more freedom but also also more responsibility much earlier than her brothers. I think it would be a good way in to discussing whether she sees any patterns in her life where she falls into the responsible role and her boyfriend/male colleague/etc is able to be the irresponsible one. Is she responsible for buying presents for you on behalf of her brothers? Does she buy gifts for her boyfriends' relatives on their behalf etc?

You have described my raising actually @IndSebCas Mum was often ill and Dad was always at work so I pretty much raised myself and I am very very independent and resourceful as a result.

My childhood was far more 'neglectful' than you describe but I'm actually glad about it.

Don't worry about it. You treated her like an adult far younger than you should have maybe but look at the result.

If she ever says anything about it, tell her you have reflected on it and have regrets but she sounds far too mature to make a thing of it anyway.

We have relations that are from another country. We only discovered them recently. They raise their children totally differently to the way we do. They are treated like adults from very very young and the results are incredible.

If the context was that she was very aware and capable, knew how to recognise when things weren't feeling right and how to contact you quickly etc, I think you're being too hard on yourself with most of these, particularly as the emphasis in parenting trends up until about 10 years ago was more towards building independence.
Certainly 20 years ago it would have been unusual/seen as a bit weird to have your parents with you on uni open days, that may have changed by the time she was going but I can't imagine it suddenly swinging to 'neglectful' to let them go on their own. You say you hadn't met the friends involved in her other trips but maybe the context at the time was that you felt you knew them well enough through what you'd heard of them etc.

You made some poor choices but the good news it doesn't seem to have affected your daughter negatively. I think it is wonderful that upon reflection you realise the error of your ways and of course if you could go back you would do things differently. Obviously you can't but I appreciate the fact you have reflected and feel genuinely concerned with how you chose to deal with things. Nobody is perfect but you did the best you could at that time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course but most people who make poor choices never seem to reflect upon them or hold themselves accountable! At least there is that!

I do think the amount of time parents spend on their children with SEN, to the detriment of their other children is pretty bad. I think it’s akin to what you read about children with SEN in state schools who use up all the teachers time and the other kids are left to get on with it, not really stretching them to their full potential.

Sounds like you raised an independent woman who learnt to get things done herself. Honestly, it's not that bad. I'm older than your DD but when I was a teen myself and my friends were classed as adults as soon as GCSEs were done. We could come and go as we pleased, we sorted our further and higher education independently and found our own part time jobs. The younger generation get slated a lot for poor work ethic and resilience. I personally haven't come across this myself but if it is really happening, it's likely to be due to modern day helicopter parenting of teens. You may have done DD a huge favour.

I can't get over the university thing. More because it must have been at least 7 months or so of never bothering to ask, / have interest in your DD's life choices, rather than a one off incident. I agree with you that it may only be when your DD has children that she reflects on her own childhood with a new perspective.

Because you saw her "capable" and no trouble, your sons were your priority took up your emotional head space, I think you are going to have to just accept this is how it was, you threw money at her because you were pre occupied with your sons "stuff". You should talk to her about it see how it was for her, she might have thought it was great her mum let her do what she liked.

Maybe in your experience but as a teen in the ‘90’s my peers and I were all parented similarly to the OP. Trips over night with people my parents didn’t know, off to london for gigs at 16, I flew to Asia alone at 17.

I don’t think you were a bad parent. You gave your daughter a lot of freedom. Which she enjoyed and seems to have thrived on. It is sad young people seem to be allowed so little freedom these days. In my teens many years ago we went camping in Wales from around 14, travelling on the train, to IoW and Reading festivals and chose our own universities because our parents didn’t know the system. I would have been mortified if my parents had attended open days. I sent my sons to open days van on their own because ultimately it is their decision and they were able to talk more freely to the students and academic staff conducting them. The proof of the B pudding is in the eating and you seem to have raised a happy and confident young woman, congratulations!

Sounds to me like she had to parent herself, poor girl.

I wish my parent gave me a little more freedom. I can see why you feel bad, because with this generation of parenting we are so so aware of the dangers that we shelter our children too much and that might cause anxiety.

My mum parented my sister with more freedom than she did me, and she turned out just fine - maybe better because I have a lot of insecurities and had resentment towards my mum that I spent my 20s overcoming (after I realised I had lots of mummy issues).

Anyway, the fact that she is successful now and you have a good relationship shows that you parented her based on who she is.

I say this all the time. We don’t remind parents that our children are individuals and that each one should be treated equally but your parenting choice will be influenced by their personalities, their triggers, abilities, strengths etc. you’ve shown that you know your children well enough to know the attention that they need. And for me, that is parenting.

I was your daughter and until recently it had never entered my head what a shit parent my Mum was.
My mum has dementia now and I have had to make lots of decisions which initially filled me with guilt but I had a light bulb moment following a comment my mate made when she said something along the lines of “just think of everything that she did for you” and it was then I realised that she never did anything for me and that my Mum made many many selfish decisions when I was young, left me “to it” and I pretty much brought myself up.
It is of course too late to have the conversation with her now but if my Mum could say to me that she accepts she could have been a better parent it would have helped me a lot.

So in short, tell her how you feel.
She’ll probably say “don’t be daft Mum, I was fine” but chances are, given what you’ve said about having 2 sons, she’ll be the one doing elderly “care”/ decision making in later life. This is when she may have her lightbulb moment and feel resentful- have the conversation with her now.

All of these things would have been considered totally normal when I was a teenager.

I wouldn’t be losing sleep over any of this.

I think your parenting was very lax and you were lucky that it didn't end horribly. Children do want to feel like a priority even if they are the able/capable sibling, I was strongly aware that my brother got much more attention than me because he was the difficult one. It's not ok but I expect it's pretty common. BUT your dd may see it completely differently and be over the moon that she was allowed such freedom and able to experience such amazing things.

Personally I wouldn't say to her that you thought you were negligent in your parenting though, it might suddenly start her thinking - wasn't I valued? - when those thoughts weren't there before.

Maybe approach it from 'do you think we gave you too much freedom/independence too young?' and then let her lead the conversation. You can then apologise and show remorse if she does have any hurt/negative feelings about the situation.

Same here, I felt emotionally neglected by my parents as a child/teen.

I do still see them, but there is a barrier there.

I try to be much more emotionally involved/interested in my children's lives.

OP, you can't get those years back, but it goes a long way if you acknowledge and try to be more equal with your time now. Your DD is young and may not even feel this is an issue, but when she's older with her own kids, it may be different.