Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

I would say sorry. It might mean a lot to her.

I was emotionally neglected as a child and my mother would still say she did nothing wrong, that she couldn’t do anything else and I should get over it. If she had apologised at some point we might still have a relationship.

I was your dd. Middle child and left to my own devices. I did well at school and caused them no trouble at all. Having said that, I'd love if my mum and dad acknowledged that they 'parented' me less. I never questioned how much they loved me and knew that my older brother (a nightmare to raise) and younger sister (on the national gymnastics team) took up all their time and energy daily. I know they did their best but it would be nice to hear them say things like you have said about the way you brought up dd.

Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have at the time. There is no perfect parent.

This exactly.

Also, the generation that are currently growing up - I wonder what they will say their parents got wrong?

I have 3 adult DDs and very occasionally have aired concerns about things I may have done or omitted to do when they were young. They just stare at me in puzzlent and often cannot even remember the incident.

You trusted your DD and I am sure she appreciated that. The fact that she is doing well in life tells you something....

I think you were overwhelmed at the time with whatever you had going on.
I am a person that is involved in everything and very present. But I shocked myself a few weeks ago. I remembered that I said I would do a favour for a friend (making something craft wise for them) and they reminded me of it a few weeks after asking. I was busy but says I would do it and checked the details.
i realised a few weeks ago that I had never made this item for them. They have passed away so now it’s too late. But it wasn’t that I didn’t care, and I wanted to do it - I just never got round to it. I actually forgot all about it. At the time I was stressed and busy and overloaded.
Different scenario of course but I wonder if you felt similar to that.

Or that might just be her personality. And the OP sounds nothing like your mum, to be fair.

You could look at it another way: DD didn’t give you a reason to mistrust her, you judged her as responsible enough to look after herself and stay safe, and gave her a degree of independence that wouldn’t have been unusual a couple of decades ago. No harm came to her and she’s grown up to be a capable, independent and successful young woman.

Conversely I was quite strict with my kids as teens. If they wanted a sleepover at a friend’s I insisted on checking with the parents, which was “so embarrassing, no one else’s mum does that”. DD just lied to me and went off doing all sorts - telling me she was at a friend’s but actually going off to see a boy, got into drugs for a while, all of it. I didn’t know till ages later. Now she’s very sensible, doing really well at university and I’m very proud of her.

Most parents do the best they can with the tools they have at the time. There is no perfect parent.

Well, yes. That's why I was asking.

Not sure if you quoted the correct person, but I never suggested any parent gets it 'right'. Not everyone gets it terribly 'wrong', and I agree with OP her approach was bad.

But my view is very subjective; my approach could be terrible in someone else's eyes.

I think you might possibly have been quite overwhelmed at the time and it clouded your judgement. Get it off
your chest and talk to your daughter and think she’d appreciate the honestly. None of
us are perfect and two neurodiverse children sounds challenging. Not
everyone will Understand that !

You're massively over thinking. Admittedly I'm older than your DD by 10yrs but this sounds like a completely 'typical 90s' upbringing. Or at least it was for me and most of my friends. Our parents just weren't overly involved in our lives from the age of about 14/15 onwards. We'd go off to festivals, parties, get up to all sorts..no phones/ contact with parents. I don't recall my mum ever taking much interest in my education or life choices. I'd say the offspring of the more controlling/ helicopter parents fared worse for it in the long run. I know things have massively changed now, but I don't think it's necessarily for the better in many ways.

Interesting thread. I was like your daugther my mum allowed me to get on a bus from Dorset to London when I visited my friend. Think I was 14/15. My mum did know the friends though. I was also allowed to go and stay in a youth hostel with my boyfriend and all our friends at 16! I didn’t really see it as neglect at the time, I just thought I was a grown up.
I have girls and we always trusted them to make sensible choices, however, there would be no chance I wouldn’t be checking if staying and travelling to and with teenage friends.

I do think this could have ended very badly for your daughter but it also sounds like she is very sensible. I would have a chat with her and see what she thinks. She sounds well rounded and independent

Harsh

Nobody gets everything 'right' in parenting.
You loved and cared for your daughter and she wasn't abused.
You trusted her and that's a positive.
Re fake id no biggie at all.
Congratulations on your lovely daughter OP

In your opinion.

Other than, potentially, underage sex, which is pretty common in teens with romantic partners, there wasn’t anything risky in the OP.

The only things I wouldn't be comfortable about are the fake ID and the boyfriend staying, but if she didn't come to any real harm I wouldn't spend too much time reproaching yourself now. I kind of envy her the opportunity to travel independently so much when she was young - I think you will have greatly boosted her confidence and life skills by allowing that. As for the uni open days, when I was going to them just over 40 years ago nobody's parents went with them - it just wasn't expected and I think it would have been seen as quite strange and controlling - and we mostly turned out fine.

Do you think she feels that there was anything wrong with her upbringing?

In the OP. Not majiorly, but still higher risk than many young people would choose.

I'm in my 40s and my parents had literally nothing to do with my uni choices - and they also parented exactly how you have described.

I used to travel the country with friends at about 14 - remember this was before phones!! In the mid to late 90s - we would get train tickets and go all over to gigs in a group. My parents - had nothing to do with it!

similarly with the other things you are describing - it might not be the most hands on parenting but was pretty normal for me

What risk taking?

As a parent of two autistic/adhd kids and two neurotypical ones it’s fucking hard I know. Don’t feel bad you are stretched at best and she’s turned out ok! You’re a good mum xx

But @sweetpickle2 made no assumption. She asked a question and gave her own experience as an explanation for that question.

Risk-taking, wanderlust, genetic link, under-diagnosis of ADHD in girls? Along with you not being as involved, she could well have traits.

My mum would never think I had ADHD; I do. Although TBF she’s still in denial about my brother’s autism.

Well you barely paid any attention to your daughter so I'm surprised you would be astounded someone would ask.

Glass Child Syndrome - yes. The siblings of high need children get called Glass Children. A quick Google of Glass Child Syndrome suggests:

• Feeling invisible: They may feel their needs are unseen and unimportant compared to their sibling's struggles.
• Excessive independence: They often learn to be, or are forced to be, highly self-sufficient which means they don't ask for help when they need it.
• Taking on mature responsibilities: They may take on adult roles like caregiving, cooking, or managing household tasks/their own schedules at a young age.
• Emotional suppression: They may learn to minimise their own needs and emotions to avoid adding to their parents' burden.
• Perfectionism: A pressure to be perfect or "not rock the boat" can lead to high expectations for themselves. Glass Children are often high achievers, but deal with failure poorly.
• Difficulty seeking support: They may find it hard to reach out for help, even when they need it.
• Compromised self-worth: They might feel they "aren't good enough" or that their feelings and needs are not valid or worthy of sharing.
• Difficulties in adult relationships: The learned behaviour of suppressing negative emotions may make them more vulnerable to harmful relationships and less likely to confidently assert their wants and needs in a relationship.
• Resentment: They may harbor feelings of resentment over the time and attention that was directed away from them.