Is rudeness subjective?

Jeez

Men are not automatically trying to flirt with you because they dare to speak to you

If you wear a sports top/band tee/fandom type top etc you're basically marking out your "tribe" and people will see that and make a comment relating to it

Men and women.

You're not being rude by not wanting to interact but all those people acting like men are trying to flirt or demand your time just because they recognised you as a fellow "member" of their tribe.... no

Phew 😂 You're all good, then!

@GarlicHound I'm definitely not a man and usually only ask whilst accompanied by my dog-mad child!

But maybe I shouldn't say anything? Maybe I'm making a nuisance of myself?

If you're a man and all the strokeable dogs are being led by women, then you probably are.

I very rarely get people trying to talk to me, even when I was young and pretty. I have a terrible resting bitch face (I'm actually a nice, happy person but apparently my face says the opposite!) Maybe OP has a friendly expression?

I've got mixed feelings about the issue OP has raised. Of course people shouldn't pester others with unwanted conversation. But if no one ever spoke to strangers, how would we ever make any friends in the first place? And sometimes a short, pleasant, passing exchange can brighten one's day. I've had other women saying they love my perfume and asking what it is or my coat/ where did I get it etc. A few seconds chat, then I'm walking away and I have a spring in my step suddenly! I'm also a sucker for a cute doggy. If I'm passing a nice dog and the owner looks friendly I will say your dog is lovely, may I stroke? Most people seem delighted that their four legged friend is popular. But maybe I shouldn't say anything? Maybe I'm making a nuisance of myself?

Some people look more approachable than others. Whenever I go out and about with one friend of mine, it is guaranteed that at least 1-2 strangers approach him to start a conversation. He doesn't shut them down and just says a very short friendly reply back.

I think it is a positive thing to look approachable and it is not always about sexual advances! My friend gets men and women just starting conversations with him. He has a friendly face.

I wouldn't interpret every stranger that starts talking to you as a sexual advance. They might want to be friendly and have a short exchange to pass the day. Also I don't think it warrants a blunt reply every time.

It’s not the initial comment that made OP annoyed through

it’s the assumption that she is rude because she don’t want to talk to someone

being social creatures means we should respect each other not insist that our right to talk is morally superior and correct

I mean, no wonder there's a loneliness epidemic :(

We used to be social creatures. I think some people still crave some sort of commonality and connection.
Really sad that commenting on a shared interest of rugby is reason to get annoyed at someone.

It’s not rude to try and start a conversation

it is rude to try and continue if the other person isn’t interested

I tend to say “no thank you” no matter what has been said - perhaps the thank you steers off the “no need to be rude “ comments ?

I agree! It was such a big result in the rugby as well. When I wear my football shirt I always get men (and women and kids) either nodding at me, chatting, giving a 'for our sins' eye roll etc. I do the same if I see one as well. But then I don't mind a chat with anyone even if it's in the food aisle in Sainsbury's. A bloke once asked me to decipher his wife's list and it took us ages to realise it was baby bels

You have to ask why people wear clothing with slogans on, or that advertises their sporting/musical allegiances. It's sending out a message - I like this band/team or I have a quirky sense of humour. It's human nature to respond to messages received.

Wearing an England shirt on the day of one of their biggest games of the year will probably invite some rugby small talk from other fans. I get the same when I wear an Irish rugby shirt from a casual 'good luck today' through to 'I think Sam Prendergast should play at 10 with Stuart McClosky at 12 and they should play a kicking game with Hansen and Lowe chasing on the wings blah blah'. The former is fine, the latter wants me to eat my own head in boredom so I will usually bat the conversation away. Most get the hint.

I have also called rude when I do not give men the attention they want, but no woman has ever done this. Also been told to cheer up by men quite often. And they often wait to comment that "you're in a disabled space" and I have to say, "Yes I am disabled" then endure all the "you don't look disabled" as if thats a massive compliment. It's really boring. Maybe when they call me rude I should say "Sorry? What? You are so boring my brain automatically stopped listening" and see what happens then 😂

an I right in assuming “women don’t owe you pretty” has passed you by?

yes op don’t look miserable, men don’t like that. And what are we here for if not to look pleasing. Give us a smile love .

It’s this. Men have been socialised to believe they can do this and women socialised to not object. So you are doibg something different than they’ve been modelled and if they are a bit thick they won’t understand . Keep doing it op, but it will take a long time to change it, it’s ingrained. It’s a certain type of man isn’t it though, probably one who makes “funny” comments to random people .

I definitely agree that rudeness is subjective.

As to whether you are rude? Well firstly, it's interesting you seem to attract so much attention. Do you tend to go to places where single people are more likely to go and or where it would be expected to be more social? I think the places you pick are key too.

Ultimately, even if you get a lot of attention that you don't want, it would be quite pleasant to not look miserable and pestered. A quick smile, kind eyes, a word or too and then explaining you're not interesting in socialising would be nice, but you don't have to.

Some people do seem to attract comments for some reason. My Dsis attracts bonkers older people....

If you have a more masculine vibe re clothes there are lots of tshirts available online that might help. DH's favourite says "You read my t-shirt. That's enough social interaction for one day."

I come from a rural area where you say good morning to everyone you meet, almost with the tip of the hat. Your behavior would be seen as v rude. And I don't think that grunting dismissively at others makes for a nice society - there are countless threads on here that talk about declining feel of society since COVID, rude angry shoppers etc. it's actually quite nice to say hello to someone you don't know and not be considered to be a sex pest or busybody.

But I get unwanted attention from men is difficult because of the power imbalance. It's not simple.

It’s difficult because it’s something you possibly have to do with men just in case but then I think I love nails so if I said to a girl oh my god i love that colour and she went ‘hmm’ and I said for example’I usually try to wear reds this time of the year’ and she gave your ‘I’m sorry I’m trying to talk to my friends’ or the like, I think I’d possibly feel a bit caught off guard because one more hmmm and or a oh thanks and you getting back to your friend/ food etc would have shut me up/ told me ah she doesn’t want conversation. But with a man I THINK it’s different? Because you have to let them explicitly know you don’t want their attention in case? Or maybe we assume it is and it’s not?!

I will talk to most people and engage in chitchat. I worked with the general public all my life. Some people don’t speak to anyone for weeks and weeks if I can engage in chitchat I will.

I don’t seek it out but I’m not ignorant to another human beings attempt to engage if it is not weird or aggressive.

I also don’t presume I am being hit on all the time either. I’m not a narcissist.

Yeah funny that isn't it🤨

It's the pretence that it's just friendly when it's clearly not. There's a bloke standing right there 🫴 why don't you try making friends with him?