Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to care and provided for my older brother

117 replies

Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 21:42

So my dad died when I was 10 and my brother 20. Mum found it hard but coped. I didn’t want anything from my brother but over the years he’s only given me £10 a year on my birthday for the last 40 years

i didn’t want anything but for your 18th, 21st, buying my house a bit more would have been nice. He's got a daughter he’s never sent a penny to all her life. He’s contracted abroad in many countries and used to earn a LOT of money

hes lost his jobs, mainly through drinking and wasted a lot of money along the way. He’s recently moved back in with my mum in her housing association house. It’s 3 bedroom and she gets relief due to the granny tax

i doubt she can get him on the tenacy as he wouldn’t get housing benefit, (she’s put him on council tax which she’s paying) I’ve got a feeling I’m being lined up to have him move into my house if something happens to my mother who’s 80. How do I be strong in this?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 16/11/2025 23:14

Hernia operations are recoverable from. He may be ill at the moment but that will not last.

don’t take him in.

depending on how old he is when your mum dies it can be much easier to get over 55’s council housing,

Genevieva · 16/11/2025 23:13

It used to be possible for council housing to pass down one generation, so if she’s got an old tenancy agreement perhaps he can stay put.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 16/11/2025 23:10

Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:00

But what if the tenant can’t afford the property on their own?

i mentioned the will, that was more that i get ownership of any pets, the rest is just a couple of grand. There’s no way his benefits will cover the cost of him living in a 3 bedroom house

His benefits will almost certainly cover the rent of a room as a lodger. So there is no reason why he won't have a roof over his head. If he wants more, he could always try something novel like getting a job.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 16/11/2025 23:07

Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 21:48

No but I know the rest of my family won’t expect me to have my brother homeless

If they're that bothered, no doubt they will give him a home.

The4teddybears · 16/11/2025 22:46

I’ve never known housing associations or council create a joint tenancy between a parent and child (unless it’s very exceptional circumstances) otherwise council houses would always just be passed on to the child and never become available to those on the waiting list
BUT he can legally live there as long as it’s declared to universal credit,(or housing benefits ) and council tax

Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:42

I’m allowed to work in my living room because there is just me in the house. For client confidentiality if someone else there I need a separate room

That would need the cat room with the cat litter

OP posts:
The4teddybears · 16/11/2025 22:40

Your mom needs to declare he is living ther, both to council tax (which you’ve said she has ).and to universal credit, or housing benefit , especially if she’s getting her rent paid by benefits. Also she needs to inform her landlord. This makes it all legal and above board. So when the time comes and something happens to your dear mom , there is proper documented proof of him living there. And although the housing association won’t give him your moms house as it’s too big. He will most likely stand a good chance of getting an alternative 1 bed property with them.

mamagogo1 · 16/11/2025 22:37

He will need to a. Work and b. Get housing, likely to be a bedsit. Housing association may have links to suitably sized units

nickyschof · 16/11/2025 22:33

@Brothernotmyproblem, can you say that your work has kitted out your spare bedroom into your office, so you can't use it for any other purpose?

MikeRafone · 16/11/2025 22:29

But what if the tenant can’t afford the property on their own?

he would be swiftly moved to a one bed, as they need 3 bed houses

byt not if his name wasn’t on the tenancy, otherwise it’s best for him to be homeless, as he’d be housed quicker. If you took him in it’d slow down the process

MissDoubleU · 16/11/2025 22:29

A simple no will suffice.

JoyintheMorning · 16/11/2025 22:27

Please do not worry Mother. If you get him on the tenancy they would not like him enjoying a 3 bed so they will help him downsize.
He will not add value to your life!

Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:21

The birthday money comment was just around we’ve never been close and supportive of each other, not enough to be him living rent free in my house I’ve bought for the rest of his life

thank you all about him being a registered tenant. I think that will really help and I’ll encourage her to do it asap

OP posts:
DonicaLewinsky · 16/11/2025 22:20

Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 21:48

No but I know the rest of my family won’t expect me to have my brother homeless

They are welcome to house him themselves, then the issue won't arise.

alexdgr8 · 16/11/2025 22:18

Well that would give him more points. Being off sick.
But if he is recognised as a tenant then the housing association would have to offer him somewhere that met his housing need. Ie smaller. Cheaper.
Why should you be affected by his expectations.
That's his issue. Not yours.
You need to guard your own interests.

Dollymylove · 16/11/2025 22:15

Nah hes not your problem. Hes a grown adult and needs to act like one

Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:13

fireandlightening · 16/11/2025 22:10

Just say No when the time comes. He is not your problem. Why can't he work now?

He had been ill and had several hernia operations so he is signed off sick

OP posts:
Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:12

AwkwardPaws27 · 16/11/2025 22:07

Can your mum get him on the tenancy? If so, he could then exchange (either through the council directly or through a social housing house swap arrangement) for a smaller property with a cheaper rate in future.

Oh ok, exchange might be a thing, thank you

OP posts:
fireandlightening · 16/11/2025 22:10

Just say No when the time comes. He is not your problem. Why can't he work now?

AwkwardPaws27 · 16/11/2025 22:07

Can your mum get him on the tenancy? If so, he could then exchange (either through the council directly or through a social housing house swap arrangement) for a smaller property with a cheaper rate in future.

NameChange14192089 · 16/11/2025 22:07

I'm pretty sure the Housing element of UC would cover most of it but he would have to cover the bedroom tax short fall. He can apply to the local council for a discretionary housing payment that if awarded would cover the shortfall. Whether they award it will depend on his circumstances at the time

Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:01

Silverbirchleaf · 16/11/2025 21:54

start letting it’s known now that he won’t be moving in.

He won’t even be thinking about this now, will just be expecting

OP posts:
Original poster
Brothernotmyproblem · 16/11/2025 22:00

But what if the tenant can’t afford the property on their own?

i mentioned the will, that was more that i get ownership of any pets, the rest is just a couple of grand. There’s no way his benefits will cover the cost of him living in a 3 bedroom house

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 16/11/2025 21:57

The family can think what they like.

Id act oblivious.

And if someone in The Family had the brass neck to ask what I was doing about a homeless adult man, 10 years older than me.. well id answer honestly. Im doing nothing, dont let me get in the way of your rush to help him.

I am not my brothers keeper and all that.

You genuinely dont have to explain why you arent helping someone who doesnt help himself and isnt your responsibility

NameChange14192089 · 16/11/2025 21:56

Not sure if all housing associations are the same but I've know ones where you can name other adults living in the house on the lease. When the lead dies the tenancy can be transfered to someone named on the lease if they can prove they have lived there for over a year.

Swipe left for the next trending thread