To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

We don’t need your patronising advice. Most of us are single through choice as we already know what the majority men are like.

Communication is infrastructure! Eventually men stop listening!

BUT, if you want your marriage to work, you have to take hold of the reins.

Nobody said just marry your best friend and ignore everything else.

Surely just marrying for money can be just as stupid. Fancy holidays isn’t everything.

@Muffinmam So you only ever want an man who earns more than you so you can pack up work? Wow.

Before going back onto considering dating or a relationship decide what you want in a partner
Kind
Considerate
Not a drinker
Not violent, or "angry"
Intelligent
Not onto sports

There were my red lines. Perhaps I lost out when disregarding one or two but after 30 years of being single found someone who meets all.

Oh and you will never change him. Never.

My cousin that is married to a banker used to out earn him. However, she couldn’t work after having children. Her job took her around the world and you can’t do that with young children. He earns so much that she doesn’t need to work. This isn’t a situation of marrying for a meal ticket and she didn’t marry up, either. She married someone who was at the start of his career who had plans for his future and goals to achieve them.

Many women don’t consider that they will need time off after having children.

My own child has SEN. I’ve had to leave work to care for him in his early development as what I do now will impact the rest of his life. I can’t be coming home at 9pm from the office (which is something that often happened).

As I was a lot older when I settled down I was a lot more ruthless in who I would have a relationship with. Financial security was incredibly important to me as I had wasted time on men who were lazy and earned less than me.

That's a good point.

Yes, they do both participate to varying degrees, and with varying amounts of interest. I think the hardest thing I find is that having solved a problem, DH will reject my solution outright, but without offering an alternative. It's very frustrating as I invest time and energy but without any result. To that end I think that being 100% responsible might be preferable?
I had lived alone for about six years before we married and I don't remember who I made decisions with. I must have discussed things with friends or family, I suppose.

this

Don't spend so much money, time and effort on the wedding, spend it on the marriage.

Not really, love makes you overlook stuff that you might faintly disagree on because they aren't an issue at the time.

in my case my exH and i had music in common, and some films, and gaming, but after we married and he started being a bit difficult, i started to realise i didn't like his SoH, and i disagreed to the point of stark opposites with his political views which were becoming more entrenched and right wing the older he got... i was becoming more liberal the older i got... and i realised we were never actually 'friends' like i'm friends with my actual friends who i share fundamental things with.. like politics, religion, ethics & morality.

People change as they age, so there will be some natural drift, but when you look at the person you married and realise actually there is nothing you like about them/their personality, you're fucked.

Why married 'ladies' and single 'women' ?

Do your DH and DS not do anything to help, even if it's participating in tasks and decisions? I'm not saying you're wrong in your assumption, but one of the unenjoyable burdens I find about being permanently single is having to do everything and decide everything on your own whether it be "fun things" (choosing new furniture or booking a holiday) or stressful things like sorting out a leaky pipe. 100% of everything falls to you 100% of the time and I find that very wearing.

You live. You die. The only two things anyone really knows for certain.

What a bizarre question - what secret advice do you think married women have that women in any other relationship don’t have? The only difference is a contract. If you’re looking for things women should know before getting married, it’s learning what legal responsibilities they’re signing up for before they put their names down in the registry office. Everything else is the same as any romantic relationship.

Oh absolutely!
It’s that title which has always rendered the addition of ‘Ms’ to our choice of titles a problematic solution.

Suffice it to say, I reckon all adult women will need to be titled ‘Mrs’ at some point, (though personally I think lifelong ‘Miss’ is best).
Like ‘Madame’ in France
Married women for whom the title is a proud boast will always stand in the way of any universal female title which denies it to them, but we do need one all the same.
A title, useful as one is in our society, needs to be as utterly neutral as ‘Mr’ is, and until that is the case, women are in an inferior position owing to having three flipping titles to choose from.

We have to stop and declare something about ourselves on all kinds of official forms, and even the use of ‘Ms’ is not the simple and neutral choice it was intended to be. Merely choosing to use this non-committal title actually states a position, and it’s the necessity to need to do that which infuriates me so.

Until we are all titled by one universal female title, we still have a weight attached to one ankle compared to men in this matter.
It sounds petty, maybe, but it’s all part of a lingering undermining of equality, keeping us in second place in ways other than the much greater equality issues campaigned and fought about.

Oof! Rant over 🙄

Wait until you find the right person.

Don’t feel like you need to be married or that being single makes you any less of a woman.

It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship with someone you’re not truly happy with.

A lot of people getting engaged and married because they think it’s the done thing. They don’t like to be single, they think oh I’m 30 so I better be married. Then they end up marrying someone who becomes a awful husband and a hands off parent.

Be honest, kind and respectful towards each other. Physical attraction matters but everything that happens in the other 23 and 3/4 hours a day matters more!

@Millytante Agreed, but in the same vein, many women still declare they are "proud to be a Mrs Hisname".

God that’s a terrible thing to admit (but then, the whole engagement ring industry depends on it)

Don't plan a wedding

Plan a marriage.

Expect that lust will not be what underpins it long term. It will be shared values and goals, companionship, friendship.

Talk about what you want, what you think is important, talk about plans for children and how you want to raise them. Ive seen marriages fail because one partner doesn't think its important to support children with hobbies & encourage them in education and the other thinks this is a huge part of parenting.

What a lazy thread. OP written in AI, then the odd comment thrown in to keep the content flowing. Reminds me of the thread the other day urging for people to ‘reconnect’ with someone and then come back and share the results. No personal input from the OP, just draining other people.

Yep!

Patriarchy is very happy indeed when women take on the caring labour without even the imperfect protection that marriage offers. If we were going to not do any of it at all, would be different... but we do.

Not for everyone . We lived together for 20 years before we got married and it doesn't feel any different to before .

I’m a married lady. Have been for many years, I married my best friend and were a great team! ❤️

Then don't read the thread, Christ!