To have a favourite child?

Exactly. Parents want to go on as if children don’t favour others over them too haha

Hmm what when the father becomes an ex? Might not like seeing all their mannerisms in the child

You have a favourite - ok….

but do you favour him/her? That is the critical distinction.

You have to work at being impartial and even-handed. Not for a second showing that favour. Your unfavoured child will sniff it out in a second otherwise

100% yes they are. It takes time and effort but anyone is capable of changing the way they feel. There's also tools out there to help people such as CBT ect ( I'm aware OP said she can't afford counselling )

Sometimes you have to put the work in when one is more difficult. Spend time with them doing fun things, remind yourself of the things you love about them, purposefully notice the nice things. One of mine is more difficult than the other and we clash more, so there have definitely been times where it's harder with them. I also had a harder time when that DC was born, and found it harder to bond initially.

Work on it instead of beating yourself up,OP. You can improve things.

God. My ‘favourite’ is just whichever one is infinitesimally less annoying at that particular moment in time. So I can hand on heart say that I generally do not have a favourite. Because they are both a pain in the arse.

Delightful. Wouldn’t be without them. But pains in the arse.

How old are they??
I love both of mine equally I believe. They both bring different things to our relationship. Have had easier and harder stages.
One of them was much harder
work as a younger child which made it tricky and I have to say my mum had a very definite favourite when they were young. They change as they grow and it’s different now.
Fake it til you make it is really the only way. Be very aware of your bias and work hard not to let it show.

I only have one so can’t comment from the point of view of being a parent, but thinking back I have no idea which of me and my sister was my mum’s favourite (sticking with mums for the mo, though I don’t know about my dad, either!). She was a woman who rarely expressed her opinion. When we were younger I think I thought maybe my sister but as we grew up I really don’t know!

Can you break down what the differences are that are making you feel this way?

I think it’s a common dynamic in a family of four for a parent to naturally get on better with the child who is more like their partner and clash more with the one who is more like themselves.

I can't understand the idea that you can't love your children equally. Love isn't finite , it grows with each child.

Yes, but I believe it’s supposed to be one of my own…..

How old are your kids? I love both my children equally. When they were little DC2 was incredibly hard work and I much preferred spending time with DC1. Now they're older (teens), love spending time with both equally.

I have five children and can honestly say I love them all equally. Yes, one or two are funnier, yes one or two are kinder, or more academic or sporting.
They are all individual people and for me anyway, the love is not divided, it’s multiplied.

The children have a favourite parent too 🤷‍♀️

Are your kids 3 and 1 or 13 and 11 or 23 and 21!?

It makes a difference.

My second DC was objectively WAY more delightful / beautiful / easy than my oldest but my oldest was my "favorite" until youngest was about 18/20m... until then I really didnt have parity of love for my kids.

Part of it is all the post partum horror and nonsense. Separately, I am not really "into" babies.... so now we are entering full toddler mode I'm entering my happy space as its much more my thing

And people are able to change how they feel are they?

Op you are not alone i read it a few times on here that parents have a favourite child.

My mum has a favourite it is our brother she did not hide it ether, when she tried to say i love you all the same in front of people, we new it was lies.
We got the blame for everything he did wrong, even if she saw him do it.
Some think kids dont pick up on things they do and fast and they will remember it.
We all cut contact with our mother in the end.

I have 3 kids, they’re all different people and therefore I have different relationships with all of them.
At the moment they all have very different basic needs as well, as ages range from 3-10, but they also all have very clearly different personalities. They need different ways of operating and guiding in different ways.
I certainly love them all the same and I have a different favourite depending on the day 😄

Counselling will make you realise you weren't less for them, they were just horrible people

In my experience families who have favourites and black sheep's, the black sheep tend to be the less compliant and not as easy to pressure type of people.

I was and still am sometimes the black sheep in my family. I don’t love my parents any less because I know it is something with me that made me less for them than my siblings and I will hopefully one day find it. Reading this thread with interest, even though I’m an adult now I hopefully I will find a way for them to be happy and proud of me.

Postage? = parents

I love my postage exactly the same. There's no favouritism. I love my 3 children all the same too, hand on heart. They are all very different. One is much more challenging, but also more vulnerable. I love him just the same as the others. DH loves one child more, and it's been awful. He grew up in a house with favouritism, which severely damaged him, and he's now repeated it. It's been awful as the less favoured knows even though DH has never said or done anything very obvious or directly compared. It's mostly in the non verbal communication - tone of voice when asking for something, eyes lighting up with pride, more laughter with one than the other, quicker to offer a lift etc.

OP, I think you do need to sort this out, especially if your less loved child is sensitive. They will know.

Ahh OP Are you sure you love one more than the other or is one just a lot easier to like? What age are they?

How old are your DC? If they are very young and eldest is the favourite could in be PND?