To have a favourite child?

You not only like them differently, you love one less?!

You can't help how you feel. It's not your fault, once you treat them the same. It will probably change anyway.

I have two. And I feel the same. They are different people, different ages. But my heart just increased to have love for my second when he arrived.

Hand on heart, I love both my DC the same. I genuinely can't imagine loving one of them more than the other.

Same! My favourite changes every 15 minutes truth be told. Usually the one who seems to prefer me to their dad.

A friend was in a very similar mindset to you, but what made her realise that she does actually love her child to pieces was when he ended up in hospital and it was a very touch and go moment for him.

She says that she felt immense guilt for not realising that she was just having a hard time adjusting, and all the one on one time in the world made no difference because the changes in life happened when she had her second born, so naturally it just felt like she just didn't really have the same bond with her second, but when the crunch came she felt as fierce of a love as ever before.

Weirdly I sometimes feel like in favour the one who is more challenging. Because they need me more.

It’s not logical and I have an amazing time when it’s just me and easy DC.

Toddlers are cute and squishy and given lots of leeway for being assholes. 5 year olds aren’t cute any more and have a lot more expected of them behaviour wise, especially if they are the eldest. Some 5 year olds are mature and compliant and some are still completely feral and defiant. If you have one who is more of the latter category alongside a toddler you are probably feeling totally burnout and it’s coming out as exasperation towards your eldest. I may be totally off the mark here but I think this is probably really common with a toddler and a child 2-3 years older

My 2 boys are different. One drives me crazy. However i love the bones of each of the equally and would give them the earth. I think if you do feel you love one more you should never say it. Dont ever confine in anyone.

I think it’s fairly common, as they get older and go through different stages things might change. Personally I have 2 and don’t have a favourite but they have both had times where they were more difficult or easier to parent. It’s probably a case of needing to make extra effort with your DS at the moment.

It will change over time. I have phases where I fear I love one more than the other but I don’t. It’s just one is easier or I have more in common with one over the other. Mine are 21 and 23 and at various times I’ve favoured each (sometimes for hours, days or months).

I’ve always thought I want to have two kids. And that having an only child wasn’t good for the child socially (I’ve only met one only child who had great social skills and that’s because her mum was a childminder). But being reminded of parents having a favourite really does make me reconsider.

My mom says she loves us all but likes us differently. I am one of many.

@neverputtingthelaundryaway it’s not uncommon to have a favourite, I think a lot of people do they just aren't honest about it. The whole thing of treat equally and love equally is harder/easier for some than others and is dependent on all sorts of internal and external factors.

Sorry but the truth is it’s already started and this is how it’ll go on. You and your children know and it will affect their relationship too. Many people here will attest to that. And it is what it is, unfortunately. I do not think it will change.

This is often true as well. I know DS prefers DH and is closer to him than he is to me. I don't begrudge that, they have more in common and DH is genuinely a nicer person than I am, calmer and more even tempered, more predictable. I'd prefer DH to me as well if I was DS.

We really can't help our feelings . They just are, we can do our absolute best not to act on them or let them show too much though. It is a sad fact that many parents feel love for one or more of their children more than the others. I'm not sure therapy will help change that, though it can help to make you aware of it and to do your best not to let it show

Children usually know if a sibling is a favourite of a parent but if the parent does love each of them ( albeit one more so) and is fair and outwardly treats the children the same, a lot of children are often quite forgiving of this in the long term.

It is when the parent openly shows the favouritism and treats one child completely differently and is obvious in their favouritism that children find this hard to forgive .

personally I can’t conceptualise how it’s possible to love one child more than the other (mother of more than one) so it is absolutely possible. Why would I bother making that up? I think your reasoning is something people use to rationalise not wanting another child - which is a totally valid choice but wasn’t what we wanted for ourselves or our children. it’s odd to think that others will have exactly the same feelings as you and that no one can feel differently. Surely you appreciate the love you have for your child is vastly different to other family members?!

🤷‍♀️ I personally believe it is wrong to love one child more than the other. It shows somthing has gone wrong somewhere. And even if she doesn't treat them differently, the less loved child will be able to sense their not as loved as the other

I don't think disliking a cousin is remotely comparable to saying you love one child more than the other?

It's hard to say without knowing their ages OP. I think going from one to two can be really hard and I think certain ages can be tricky.

For example a lot of people feel like they like one child more than the other when what's really happening is that they have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and trying to manage a 2 year old alongside a sibling is so much harder than managing an only child 2 year old.

I'd be more concerned if this is a persistent feeling that stays constant through different ages and stages.

Nope. When the parents are very much together… hence why the comment quoted said “family of four.”

I have three children and I love them equally (albeit for different reasons; they all have very different personalities and I love different things about each of them).

Anyhow. Back to the thread...

OP, I think it takes courage and great self awareness to admit having a favourite. I think you need to own this and ensure that you mitigate any potential consequences... be really mindful about your actions, behaviours and decision making going forward.

My DM has talked about that before: my DB is a lot like my DF and I think she had to work on seeing the lovely things of him a bit when they split up. You can make a conscious choice to accept and work on those kinds of feelings.

But there's nothing wrong with her feelings unless she treats them differently.

If you have a cousin for example you don't like much how do you change that?