To have a favourite child?

You sound like you're really burned out. I'm a single mum to an honestly wonderful 4yo. I had a couple of really rough months with various health, work and other issues that left me with very little energy to be patient with my DD. I found her annoying and was frequently just exasperated with her behaviour (just normal 4yo stuff too, like faffing in the bathroom and not listening to an instruction the first time). Now the bad period has blown over, I have the energy to be patient and we're back on track and I'm back to being blown away with love for her. I feel awful I was like that and I did a lot of repairing with her to tell her why I was grumpy, but yeah the mum guilt about the situation has been really bad and I did feel really detached from her, and life, for a little while.

Believe me, the children know.

I knew my sibling was the favourite. And oddly my child is also the favourite of the family.

neither position (favourite and none favourite) is comfortable.

just please accept their differences.

A PP says it could be to do with the ages and I certainly found my eldest very hard at that age and probably had too high expectations of what he could do. He is still harder work than my other DC. Also I spend a lot of time with both of mine and actually realise they need a break from each other and one to one time and it is easier to see the best in them then. I think how you feel is one thing but how much do you think it comes across to your DC? My DP struggles a lot with eldest and sometimes I think it really does come across that he prefers the youngest and that definitely needs addressing if that is the case for you

Like more. Or love more?

Sounds familiar! I lie down with mine at bedtime and chat for a while, ask something along the lines of whether anything during the day made him especially happy or especially sad and he will ramble on about Spiderman for ages and then suddenly say something really profound or revelatory out of nowhere 😅

Mine are two completely different boys! I really struggled with my first as a baby and he's hard hard work, always been very emotional and unpredictable. But he's also so loving, caring, hilarious, clever and gorgeous. My youngest was a super easy baby and I thought I favoured him for a while.

Now he's older and he's having his terrible two's that's not the case anymore! I love them both so dearly and I wouldn't change anything about them. ❤

I truly believe that in a couple of years you won’t be able to imagine that you felt like this.
You do have to try and meet your son where he is now, though. An activity like hiking might give you a way to talk more easily. I would give him a couple more years to get into the deep conversations though.

First of all sending hugs as you won't want to feel this way.

I would say its normal 5 year old older sibling behaviour. DS1 (6) is much more hyper, attention seeking, gets jealous of his younger sibling. DS2 (3) is much more cuddly and affectionate which is standard toddler.

I would offer this advice - it's a challenging age of them challenging. We have had multiple conversations about behaviour, taking things too far etc. We have to remind constantly but we found addressing behaviour and explaining it helped massively. DS1 is incredibly loving, we have found telling him he's loved every day has reduced his attention seeking. We also remind him to calm it down.

Oh don’t worry! It’s really easy to mess up a precious only child too. Some of the most messed up people I know are only children (I know, I know, correlation, not causation). It’s often a combo of putting them on a pedestal (my “perfect” little girl) and holding them to impossible standards. Good luck!

@neverputtingthelaundryaway, the age gap might make it seem like there is a difference in your love now, but that might balance in time. I could say I love both my children the same but it’s just words, and it’s meaningless. I can’t measure it, I can’t even define that love to begin to measure it. In reality both my children need different things from me (after the basics of care and nurturing are accounted for). I always tell my kids, when you have another child, you don’t cut the cake in two, you get another cake. Honestly OP, hang in there. Your relationship with your children changes and grows as they change and grow.

Edited as I got the ages mixed up.

Personally I have 2 and don’t have a favourite but they have both had times where they were more difficult or easier to parent

Completely agree with this. I’m an only child - and have always believed people must secretly have a favourite. Buy now I have two and I genuinely don’t - but totally agree with the poster above that there are times when ones easier or more difficult than the other. But that waxes and wanes with time. If your two are 5 and 2, you have plenty more phases to go through and I bet, with time, it will even out. I’d say don’t worry too much or beat yourself up about it. Just enjoy them both while they’re small - and wait and see what the next phase brings! My tricky baby was an angelic toddler and vice versa. The more challenging “tween” was the easier teen. They’re different people and they’ll be different to parent!

This sounds a lot like the way my eldest DC behaves when my DH is around and I think it's because he's competing with his younger brother for attention. He doesn't do it as much with me because I think I put more effort into dividing my attention fairly and in fact showing the older one more affection because I think he needs more reassurance that he's loved. Have you asked your DS how he feels about his sister? I have with mine and it was really moving to hear how he's battling with the complexity of loving his sibling but also sometimes wishing he was still the only one. Maybe it would help you feel closer to your DS if you invited him to talk about how he feels?

To be honest most 5 year old boys are hard work. Wait until they are teens- girls are much worse so you might find yourself writing on mn how you feel guilty for not being able to stand your teenage horror of a daughter 😉. I am generalizing- sure there are exceptions.
You sound lovely OP and I think you are overthinking this. I'm sure you're a great mum to both of them and honestly I preferred both of my children when they were 2 rather than 5 so it's completely normal.🌻

He’s just competing with his sister for your attention. Kids don’t care whether it’s bad attention or good attention, he just wants your eyes on him.

This is completely normal for kids of this age with a younger sibling.

Try not to worry, as with everything to do with kids, it’ll pass x

I'm not saying your a bad person OP, but the situation isn't okay. You can feel differently, your just going to have to work at it. It will take time.

The fact it bothers you shows you clearly care and love for your child,

I know you said you like spending one to one time, can you find a hobby for you both to enjoy together?

My mum very obviously loved my sister more than me and it has always hurt. Really hurt. It makes me question what's wrong with me even to this day and I'm early 30's with my own children. Even though logically I know the issue is hers and not mine.

I think you just have to stop comparing them. They are two different people and you will see that feelings can change and evolve over time. Don't feel guilty about it as long as you're being fair to them.
My DS1 is 15 and a pain in the ass. I love him dearly even though he exhausts me (he's autistic). His brother (12) is so easy in comparaison but I can truly say I love them both the same even though I much prefer spending time with DS2 because he's sweet and intelligent and most importantly doesn't drive me insane non-stop 😅

So true!

I think you’re giving yourself too much of a hard time OP.

Kids change all the time. And there will always be one that pushes your buttons more than the other.

I love both of my children equally. But my DD really pushes my buttons. I fly off the handle with her all the time (she’s a teen, not a toddler btw!). My DS rarely gets me even slightly cross. My DS just gets me and I just get him. We slot very easily together. He is my “person”.

But that said, I love just hanging out with my DD. I genuinely love her company. I could think of no one I’d rather spend an afternoon with. (Even though she drives me up the wall often!).

What I’m trying to say is, you will have different relationships with your different children. And that is ok. It doesn’t mean you love one more than the other.

I love all 3 of my dds but I definitely love some qualities about each of them more if that makes sense.

Why are you irritated and resentful of a 5 year old?

What triggers these feelings?

Did you have pnd with dc1?
Did you not want a boy?

You need to re frame your mindset from having a favourite to just the fact that you appreciate their different qualities and personalities in different ways.

Just because you birthed these people it doesn’t make them any different to other human beings. We all like different people for different reasons.

Even with friends, you can love them all but prefer doing a certain activity with one of them or talking about a certain subject with another.

This is sooooo potentially damaging to your poor children.
Both of them.

OP, you have to work on this. For the sake of your children.
And your future relationship with both