To have a favourite child?

I love and adore mine equally. More than anything.

bs

I have a DS and a DD and hand on heart I love them both so much, but over the years I've preferred being with one more than the other depending on circumstances. It's normal.

5 yr olds are/can be intensely annoying. I suspect you find 2 easier than 5 and are thinking it's the specific child. When mine were 4 and 1 I felt a bit like that and now they are 7and 4 and it turns out 4 yr olds are just a nightmare

Have you always felt this way about your elder child? Did you have a strong bond with him from the time he was a newborn? Or did your feelings toward him change when your daughter was born?

Love them both exactly the same. Like them both exactly the same. Can't imagine otherwis

Noone believes it until they have a second and love them just as much. How odd to speak so confidently on something you've no way of knowing

Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. You can still love them both equally.

You have recognised a serious problem which is an excellent first step. But please don't let it be your last step. You absolutely must address the issue immediately. Your son knows exactly how you feel about him. He may not be able to articulate it (because he's a 5-year-old) but he absolutely knows. And it is damaging him every day. I expect part of the reason he behaves as he does when your DD is present is precisely because he knows that you favour her.

You've said you don't have money for counselling. Are you certain that there is nothing in the household budget that you could cut in order to afford therapy? I would say it should be a priority.

I dont have a favourite child but I do have a favourite grandchild. As far as I'm concerned I can't do anything about it, we just connect but I try to spend equal time with them all, very careful about spending equal amounts on presents, try do special things with each of them. Can't do things every week as I have eight of them but might buy tickets for a trip to the theatre or to visit a special place and they all get a turn. It does change with age e.g. when they are babies they don't need trips and when they are at uni they tend to prefer£20 in a card.

I don't think mine would all pick the right one if someone asked them who my favourite was.

I have 2 daughters and love them both the same amount, I’d do anything for either of them. I am glad of this, because I definitely feel like my mum has favourite children and I’m the least!

Maybe we put too much emphasis on love. Maybe if parents saw their role as bringing out the best in each child, their duty would be much plainer.

My DSis was the favoured child. It has had a profound effect on me. As a child I knew I was considered less and I still feel the same. I can’t begin to imagine how any parent can do that to a child and yes I am a parent.

I was a very easy and well behaved child, my mother admits this even now. The damage she did still hurts.

My childhood was miserable. I didn’t invite friends over as I knew she would be dismissive of me (as she was at family events).

I have developed a manageable relationship with her, but I haven’t and won’t forgive her.

My three are much older - 23, 18, 16 so not kids anymore! But I'm certain that over the years I would have quietly considered each of them was the favourite at one time or another

I’m with you here. I also have 3 dc who are very different. I love them all. One is harder to parent than the other 2, very emotional and doesn’t listen so she’s frustrating. I still love her. In fact, I find all three need different parenting styles - like managing people at work, you adapt to bring out the best in people. I do tease that my favourite is the one who made me a coffee in bed Saturday morning but that can change throughout the day so there’s no ridged favourite (mine are teens).

Maybe you need to carve so time alone for you and DS? Get DH to do something with DD for a couple of hours so you and DS can talk about pizza and Leo.

Kids are hard and tiring, its OK to have bad days with it. But if you're at the stage of liking him less and being annoyed by him I think you need to get some self care for you and positive time together if you can

I also think the age is the issue here. My children are now late teens and we have the same age gap, older boy and younger girl. Without a shadow of a doubt, my DS was the hardest. He was incredibly challenging and pushed me to the edge more times than I dare to remember. I still find now I probably have to spend more time 'mothering' him. So sadly I do think my dd thinks I have a preference for him but it's 100% untrue. I love them both completely equally. My dd is like a best friend as well as a daughter and we have a brilliant relationship - but she's always been independent, sure minded and reliable. Probably in that very female way, I always knew she was ok. Whereas my son has been a constant worry. But as an adult relationship we get on fantastically - they are both hilarious, hugely resilient and have a brilliant relationship between the two of them. Don't confuse more challenging with loving less. It's just exactly that, more challenging. I've had many times where I haven't liked him as much as my dd, but that's due to his behaviour. I always loved him the same. Relationships are complicated! And now, I like him just as much too. Be kind to yourself on this x

I absolutely love this haha 😂

My Mum says she’s always loved us the same but who she likes better has varied at different points in our lives 😆. As long as you aren’t treating them differently I wouldn’t worry.

Threads like this make me thankful that I only have one. We planned to have another, but nature had other ideas.

DD is pretty much everything that I could ever have wanted in a child, and we remain incredibly close even now she is an adult. We are just completely on the same wavelength, we get each other 100% and we share a lot of the same interests etc. I really can't imagine that I would have been lucky enough to have that level of alignment with a second child as well.

So I don't think you can help how you feel, OP. There is definitely no point in beating yourself up about it. All you can do is try your utmost not to let your feelings ever show, and not to over-compensate either.

Are you sure you don’t just prefer the age of the other child? I mean I don’t have a favourite but I definitely prefer my 3 year old to my nearly 8 year old but just the age. I find under 5 they are so cute and innocent and then my eldest has all the emotions and attitude doesn’t mean I favour either more

Can I just commend you for your honesty. I don't even think it really sounds like you have a fave per se. You're just finding the eldest difficult at the moment. I think once both are older things will quite likely shift again. You'll appreciate new emerging things about the eldest and the youngest may start winding you up! It is clear your heart is in the right place. All of us, children included, are just messy complex beings with endearing sides and more irritating sides and things constantly shift. You might have said but do build in dedicated 1:1 time with oldest, I find it helps, but take the expectation of deep meaningful convos away from it. Engineer it so it's somewhere where you don't constantly have to tell him to stop, and listen to his rambles whatever they may be. You got this!!

Potentially, when theyre together he knows he has less attention. (Because 2 year olds need a closer eye than 5 year olds) and negative attention is still attention.

Maybe you need to think about spending some time with them together where hes the focus - an activity he enjoys where you praise him and tell him how proud little sister is etc etc... if he was getting encouragement when youre all together it might improve