Step daughters 18th meal

You need to brace yourself now for what is to come. One day she will graduate/ marry/ have children. You won't be given a ticket for the graduation ( she'll have to make a huge effort to get extra tickets and she's absolutely not going to do that). She won't want you anywhere near anything to do with her wedding but your husband will be paying for half of it and you'll just be whatever your name is rather than granny ( although I dare say you'll be handy for childcare). If not being at her 18 birthday meal is upsetting you then imagine what all this will feel like.

I wouldn’t have wanted a meal with my dad and his partner and mum and stepdad for my 18th. How awkward and all about everyone slinging their dicks around for a slot at the table. I’m not sure I would have wanted a meal with both of my parents either. 😂 But too much tension by the sounds of it.

Let your stepdaughter celebrate her birthday with her parents. Then her dad can organise a separate celebration just with your family. Unless he’s going to delegate sorting that out to you too.

You’ve made it all about you. No one’s denying your role. I think it’s a bit odd the 3 of them going out and it isn’t
something I would have suggested but hey ho. I suppose it depends how amicable you are.

I suspect the XW will want to reminisce, perhaps a bit of guilt or weepiness at what couldve been particularly if she hasn’t remarried or got a partner?

You and your DH can do your own meal if you feel it’s necessary.

agree @Icybird56 thought in a parrallel mn-verse!
making someone’s birthday about them and what they want, rather than what others want and expect?!
v refreshing!!

WTF?

But surely it’s about what the birthday girl wants? She doesn’t like like OP, doesn’t want a relationship with her.

that might change when she grows up - but why force herself on into a dinner when she isn’t one of the parents?

You can’t define this girls family for her - say I married your dad, gave you lifts places and cooked some meals therefore I am your parent and you have to treat me as equal to your mum.

Get over it.
You don't sound you want her company, anyway.

Maybe someone should ask your stepdaughter what she wants, given it’s her 18th?

Worth stressing this isn't specific to DSDs feelings about OP either, since her stepdad is also not invited.

For God's sake let the girl have a meal with her parents.

She was a child when they broke up. Not her choice. She wanted her parents together.

I realise you're hurt after all your efforts but you're not her mother. She felt loyalty to her mother so she wouldn't have been happy about any woman getting together with her father. Have some empathy and let the parents and their daughter get on with it.

I think it’s quite nice tbh. I’ve got a friend who has literally not seen her dad without his new wife since she was a kid in primary school. I say “new wife” but he’s been with her decades longer than he was with #1. Sometimes it’s just nice to be with what was your original nuclear family and sometimes it’s nice to be a bigger party. It’s more than a bit rude to expect someone to fetch an carry for your kid from 9 to adulthood and not even acknowledge it or thank them

It is a nice gesture for her 2 parents to take her out for her 18th. For her to have the full attention of them both. Nothing wrong with that at all.

They're not biological parents, they are parents.

Why don't you suggest also doing something for her birthday @Bitterfromthesweet ?

But you don’t want to go so why create an issue?

Read it all. So you dont have a great relationship. That’s more the reason op. Bur do talk to dh about how you feel.

It’s not the shock of the century that your step daughter’s mother doesn’t want to sing your praises for your part in her daughter’s life. The important factor is that your husband recognises what you’ve done and vocalises that.

I think it’s the comment that’s annoying. What do you think your sd would like?

Can you have a think about why you reacted this way?

This girl doesn’t like you - doesn’t enjoy spending time with you. Is having a birthday dinner with her mum and dad and you want to go.

Why?

Seemingly because you think you deserve it. Not because if would make the birthday girl happy.

that is a very transactional thing at to look at a relationship. What would you want to go to a birthday dinner if you know your presence would make the birthday girl unhappy?

Would it be beyond you to actually all attend her birthday meal? In years to come you’ve got possible weddings and grandchildren to deal with. Now’s the time to be civil.

What has the daughter said about it? Personally I couldn't imagine anything more awkward at 18 but my fam is and always has been completely dysfunctional! 🤣🤣🤣

I have to say I'm genuinely shocked at these replies
I don't usually go on step parents threads ,as it brings back to many bad memories.
But shocked in good way ..
As an adult once I had my freedom..I voted with my feet and cut my step parents out of my life and allowed my relationship with my parents to fizzle out .
It's actually good to see so many responses in support of the daughter.
I didn't connect her behaviour with being unhappy..
I'm glad things have changed for the better

If you read the post she was answering, all will become clear.

doing your husband's job for him.

Absolutely this.

they have “raised her to 18” - what exactly has he done to raise her if you’ve fed her, picked her up from school, tidied her room
etc? Have you asked him?

The reason a lot of men with kids seek out other women after a break up isn’t just for sex - it’s to avoid the ballache of the jobs you described which they’d have to do if they wanted to pay less CM by having them over to stay. It’s that or they plan their visits at their parents house so their mums do it. Utter arseholes.

Who asked you to do the housework & childminding? DH? So maybe the appropriate thing would be for him to take you out to say thank you for helping him raise his child.

Hi OP. I think this is a case of a husband problem, not a step daughter problem? As he’s framed the meal in a way that’s dismissive of your contribution, and he’s not really recognising the full effect of the unpaid labour you’ve done to support him in raising his daughter.

Step families are so complex - I think it sounds like you’ve been a lovely stepmum and I’m sorry for you that this is how things have played out.

So you want to spoil her special birthday celebration by going even though it seems highly likely she would prefer you didn’t?

It's not her fault her mother made a silly remark. I think it’s wrong to try to make this about you when it’s an occasion where the focus is rightly on your DSD. It’s great that you have done all that for her but she spent her crucial early childhood with her natural parents and I think it's rather nice that the three of them should get together to celebrate her eighteenth.