Step daughters 18th meal

I am going to assume that being a stepdad is much easier. Bet they are never turned into skivvies.

I agree with you op. Being a step parent is a thankless task. I completely gave up and left my dh to it as I wasn’t getting any thanks or respect. Of course you should be there.

I now have a mutually respectful relationship with one of them who’s now an adult and who has apologised to me for her previous behaviour.

I agree with this .

Well he couldn’t get on with his ex long enough not to fuck up his 1st family could he? 😂 now he wants to play happy families at the expense of his wife’s feelings. I’m entitled to my opinion,

I think you will find they have free will to do it , therefore that is a choice. OPS position in this has been made clear . By them and all their choices

They aren't just choosing to go to dinner together. Their daughter is turning 18 and she's asked them to dinner. That's her choice.

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like you were free childcare/skivvy all these years.
Men that split often find someone quickly so they don't caught for it themselves.
Utterly thankless job, as you have found out.

I think you’re annoyed with your husband for leaving you out and not with your SD so wondering why the SD is the focus here. You acknowledge that it would be weird for you to attend. Do you feel threatened that he is sharing this event with his ex-wife?

Part of the first wives club ?

But I guess tbh that's what you are. A nanny. It's nice for them still to be able to get together for these mile stone events. It will ensure a well rounded teen developing into a well rounded adult having not to experienced a tug of war through her life.

Step parents aren’t generally valued . I also don’t get having a meal with someone when you have split with them , civil or not . Smacks of not moving on / pretending things have been all okay .

However , as you don’t like her/ she doesn’t like you etc , I wouldn’t expect an invite. Also it’s a DH problem .

That's not really raising her though, it's doing your husband's job for him.

What nonsense!

OP: I don't want an apology, I did this for us, for you and our family

DH: Er, What did you do?

OP: I didn't throw a mega tantrum over you going for a meal with your daughter on her 18th birthday. I think a medal is in order.

Oh god no me neither. If I ended up single again I’d never have a relationship with someone with kids. I barely like my own sometimes let alone someone else’s 😂

Any idea how she treats/gets on with the step father?

It would annoy me how the ex has framed it, they “have raised her to 18” rather than to just celebrate her 18th. I mean, erm, well done? That’s literally the bare minimum you’re expected to do when you have a child. Silly cow.

I don’t think you are B that U but MN always thinks stepmothers are arseholes whilst the sun shines out of the mother’s and the kid’s arse but would you want to go anyway. Surely you and your husband can take her out anyway.

That’s why I would never and could never understand why people take on someone else’s kids and put them on the same level as their own kids. Being a SP is the shittiest, skivviest and thankless role ever. You could provide the earth for the child and they could turn around and tell you that you are no one to them- and they would be right! It’s not the child’s fault either, they didn’t ask for a new person in their life.

Were you cleaning your step daughter's house? She's very young to have her own place.

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, just your updates and the first page or two. In your words, I read all the challenge, effort and heartache of blended families. For your DH and DSD you have tried and tried for 9 long years, picking yourself up every time you were rebuffed. You didn't do anything to cause the breakdown of her parents marriage, but you were tacitly blamed time and again, because she was a child and because it's emotionally safer for a child to blame the other woman than her own parents. This isn't about the meal, OP. It's about you wanting your efforts and sacrifices to be seen and appreciated by your DH. Let the meal go ahead. Don't tie these feelings to your DSD's birthday. When the dust has settled, have a conversation with DH. "I don't want an apology, I did this for us, for you and our family. I would do it again [if you would] because it is what was needed for our marriage and family to last. But I need to be sure you understand how hard this was for me."

Also full of men who marry again to get a nanny because they are too lazy to parent.

Mumsnet is full of women annoyed at set family members for not behaving as they think they should.

Grandparents not treating step grandchild the same as their other grandchildren.

husbands not behaving like fathers to their step children.

Step children not accepting their new step mother as their parent.

Step siblings not bonding.

Blended families aren’t easy and you can’t just tell people to love each other as if they have always been family.

Of course your DSD is entitled to have a meal with her parents for her 18th. Just because you’ve been in her life doesn’t mean you get to attend every event. She can have one day, one meal, where her mum and dad sit down together without their partners.

It isn’t about you. Stop making it about you. You don’t even get on with her.

This isn’t about a birthday meal. You understand why you weren’t invited and know it’ll be better for your SD if it’s just her parents. As you say it might be a bit weird and awkward.

You feel under appreciated for all the years of effort you’ve put in. Your DH is the issue here. You’ve carried the load, and not only has SD not accepted your offer of a relationship (understandable as she has been a child), but your DH hasn’t acknowledged your effort at all. Inviting you to the meal would have signified that he saw you, that he appreciated that you’d tried with her all these years.

Sounds like this is about years of being unseen and under appreciated, not the birthday meal itself.

I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

If it would be weird for you to go, surely it would be weird for you to be invited?

Were you the other woman or did her father meet you after he’d split from his ex?

She’ll only have one 18th birthday. Why would you try to insert yourself into if you already know you don’t get on and it’s likely she wouldn’t want you there? She may have initiated the parents only plan for exactly this reason.