Step daughters 18th meal

I wonder how much free housework & childminding her mum's partner has done?

Good for you.
Edited to say I sound like I am being sarcastic, but I am not!

But this is surely about what the daughter wants, no? Why do you want to go if you don’t get on with her?

This is how my relationship has been. I've never done any of the school run / washing / cooking / taxiing etc for my step kids. Not in 13 years. Never met their mother either, nor will I be contributing to their uni/wedding fees.

It's a most harmonious set up.

Don't be so deliberately stupid. You know damn well what the OP meant. Just because she's a stepmum doesn't mean she is simply a fucking skivvy who has to take on responsibility for all the domestic shit. The one to blame here is the sperm donor who should have taken responsibility for HIS daughter rather than dumping the child related grunt work on the new woman. Sadly some men do this, cheered on, aided and abetted by the squealing handmaidens of misogyny some of whom have popped up like bindweed on this thread. The OP simply should have been welcoming, kind and courteous to her stepdaughter but left daddy dearest to tidy up after his child, to do the school run etc. Instead the OP does the work while the bearer of the flaccid dick wafts around pretending to be father of the year. No the OP doesn't need to be invited not does she need a medal for not "throwing a mega tantrum" as you spouted in your other hyperbolic post. The OP has misplaced her frustrations in this case. There's nothing wrong with just the two parents and their daughter having celebratory meal. But the OP does have a problem. With her husband who has dismissed her efforts with the DSD. She didn't need to do that stuff. Not her child after all. Daddy dearest should have expressed appreciation either by acknowledging her unseen work instead of ignoring the fact he's been able to slack off. If parents are so keen to tell stepmums how unimportant they are then they should be delighted to do all the work such as clearing up mess made by the child, taking care of their child, ferrying their child. Or pay someone a professional wage to do it. But don't expect someone else to do that work for free for you and your offspring without basic appreciation. They don't have to fucking do it.

But you said you don't really get on with her.

You're being unreasonable here. It's not really about you. It's a lovely idea and one I would do with my ex when our children reach 18.

In this setup, it sounds more like it'd be OPs DH doing the asking. The desire for any relationship at all between OP and DSD is coming from him.

As step mum you should give up your time / mum to the step child . But expect to be vilified and hated no matter what .

The OP is being shown her place, hopefully she, and other step parents, leave her parents to it, if she asks for something 'Ask your mother' should be the response.

You’re making it about you, I can see why she wouldn’t want you there.

But she doesn’t like you…. Maybe her mum and dad know this so didn’t invite you in case you said yes which would have ruined her meal??

I think putting the step daughter in the centre of all this is important. It is her 18th and for her to have dinner with both her parents will probably be a special evening for her. I think you're confusing this - it's not about you or a dig at you. It's something nice for her. There's nothing to stop you organising a lovely day/evening with your DH and her, as pps have already said. If she wants it that is.

The meal is for your step daughter so it should be with who she wants. Maybe you treat yourself on the evening when they’re out-a spa evening or something!

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your daughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents. Celebrate her with your husband another way on another day. Maybe a birthday cake after her favourite meal at home or a day out by yourselves - a stepmother daughter spa day, a shopping spree - whatever appeals to you both.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution to bringing her up. I think the solution is the same though. Have your own celebration with your stepdaughter which acknowledges your pride in her and a deserved recognition of your supporting role.

Let them have their dinner. It will be a lovely thing for your stepdaughter who endured a family breakup as a child and has still come out on top.

Plan something lovely just for yourselves, OP. You deserve it x

Yes. The person at fault is your husband. He should have done that work.

Skivvy , how dare you say that . The kids of first wives / birth parents are precious . It’s a privilege to look after them and meet their every need / whim . Forget step mums , they are dispicable and their feelings do not matter .

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your daughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents. Celebrate her with your husband another way on another day. Maybe a birthday cake after her favourite meal at home for a day out by yourselves. A stepmother daughter spa day, shopping spree. Whatever appeals to you both.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution to bringing her up. I think the solution is the same though. Have your own celebration with your stepdaughter which acknowledges your pride in her and a deserved recognition of your supporting role.

You don’t like her yet you want to go to her 18th dinner. It’s not about you it is about what your SD wants. You are taking your frustrations about being a skivvy out on the wrong person.

It’s the step daughter she doesn’t get along with.

Nice for you maybe, but this is about your SD, and it would be nice for her to go out just with her parents this one time.

.

Mmm, an invite to the special meal might have been nice but would it really have made up for the 'free nanny' feeling, or the feeling that you offered love and friendship to this child that was consistently refused for years?
I'm guessing that it would have been very awkward for everyone to have you there, unless you are on much friendlier terms with the girl's mum than you've suggested.
Step families are hard for everyone, but worse for the kids because they had no choice in how things were arranged, and no option to walk away.

OP I assume if you were doing the school run you must have other children too?

You have listed all the things you did for this girl - I assume with her washing, school runs, cleaning her dad had 50-5P custody.

there are big questions here - did you just facilitate him having 50-50 custody?

why did you do all this? Was it to help your husband or was it in exchange for a relationship with the child?

Like others have said, I wouldnt sacrifice 9 years to parent a child who wasn’t mine and who didn’t want me in their life.

did you give up work to do school runs? Sacrifice time with your family and friends to parent her? Go to parents evenings alone, doctors, dentist, school parties, concerts? Where was her mother, where was her father?

it all sounds very unfair if you truly were parenting her - unfair to you and unfair to her.

she doesn’t owe you a relationship. But if you truly did most of the parenting then you
should have stood up for yourself. Pushed back. Said her mum and dad do school pickup, take her to the doctor, sort her uniforms etc.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, let her have this one occasion with just her mum and dad there rather than having to appease their new partners. You say you don't even get on so why would you want to spoil her 18th?!