Step daughters 18th meal

Interesting that you list your various potential gifts to the girl in that specific order but it seems to me that you're actually pissed off with your husband/ partner and the girl's mother? Particularly your husband as I don't know why you'd be running round picking her up from places and cleaning her room on his watch? I guess this is the 'free nanny' bit, but that's on your husband not his daughter. Given that she's performatively rejected every effort on your part I don't know why your nose is out of joint, I probably wouldn't go if it was me, leave em to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Who is the birthday centring?

This is about your step daughter's parents putting their differences and the bullshit of the last ten years aside for one night to centre their child.

Its not about you.

Your reaction really highlights some of the bullshit really.

This doesn't stop you having a special relationship with your step daughter. Nor does it stop you doing something with her for her birthday.

I can't see he's made a comment. What have I missed?

That’s not obvious to me from her posts at all. By the sounds of it she wanted a relationship with the child and has tried to create that over the years, no-one forced her to do that. Washing, cooking, cleaning and giving lifts is surely something the father also did, both for his wife OP and for his child - if not, why would OP stay with him?

You don't expect your partner's ex to say 'thank you for helping to raise my daughter'?

Of course she sees it that she and her husband raised their child. Just because you were there doesn't mean the mum did any less parenting.

And she didn't choose for you to be involved at all. Presumably it's partly because your husband palmed off a lot of parenting duties onto you.

Anyway you seem like you don't like her and you don't need to. Just ignore what she says and go for a separate meal with SD with just you and dad, or wider family from both you and him. If that's what she'd like. It is her birthday so she should choose.

It's ok to be resentful that his remark made you realize that your husband had you doing his parenting work for the last 9 years. You really were the free nanny.

A lot of guys marry women to have a free bangmaid nanny because they want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child support and they don't want to do their parenting work. So it gets shoved off onto the stepmom and it looks like that's what happened here. Your stepdaughter likely resents that he did that.

And your husband just goes along being all self congratulatory that you've done much of his work but you're missing from the congrats.

He's taking credit for the work you did.

What a prince.

Your anger should be directed at your husband for using you as a free nanny and at yourself for allowing it.

Nailed it.

This is all projection on your part. Get therapy.

she didn’t necessarily do more than grandparents or aunts and uncles. Even neighbours.

Or either of her parents, to be fair. Being a DNA provider doesn't equal 'raising'

You don't like her, she doesn't like you.
What would be the point of going? So she has a miserable birthday.
You say you have done a lot for her, but it sounds like it was grudgingly and the person to blame for that is your DH, not your DSD.

Washing children's clothes, cooking for them, doing school runs is absolutely part of raising a child. We think it's not because men don't want to do it and prefer talking about the child's hopes and dreams. Which wouldn't exist if they weren't fed or taken to school!
Women's unpaid work is always devalued.

I didn’t say the neighbour did more than OP- we don’t know how much OP did. We don’t even know how often the child was at her house. I was talking hypothetically- who raises a child.

is it the person who cleans their bedroom once a week and collects her from school two days a week. Does putting a wash on equate to raising a child?

where is the line drawn? I lived with my nephew for two years when he was a baby. Did loads to help - night feeds, cleaning, washing, driving for hours to get him to sleep. Did I raise him - no. he is 18 now - I don’t try and muscle in when he spends time with his parents. But I speak to him once a week and we are very close.

is the difference here that OP is married to a parent - does that elevate the lifts and washing into raising the child. Even though they have no connection and don’t like each other? If OP covered tomorrow she would have no relationship.

just to add - I added the neighbor because growing up we shared school lifts with the neighbours. In and out of each others houses. She didn’t raise me - but I saw her every day - ate dinner there maybe once a week. Possibly more contact than OP and her step daughter

What the fuck? Did you mean to he so offensive?

I’m a single parent, my kid’s dad and I split when they were very little and they see him a few weekends a month. I have still give my kids a wonderful, happy home, their dad is still involved and around. Are you saying that as a split up family, I can’t take my kids out to celebrate their birthdays and their dad can’t come along for special events? That we have failed and our kids don’t deserve any family outings and their life has been shit and miserable?

You’re awful. What a shitty comment to make that single parents have somehow failed and don’t deserve to celebrate their kids and we’ve given them a miserable life. I hope mumsnet kicks you off because this site is full of single parents.

Ha! Yes sure a neighbour or aunt did more than OP. I find this very hard to believe.
Do all the school runs cooking and cleaning, but still the neighbour gets more credit!
I will be warning DD to never be a stepmum. The most thankless job on earth, it appears.

It does take a village. But how many people help ‘raise’ a child. And does that make them parents?

OP did school runs, cleaning and cooking - it’s not clear what the custody arrangement was. Maybe 50-50, maybe less.

She didn’t seem to have much of an emotional connection with the child - did she just do the ‘work’ stuff or talk through the child’s problems and fears etc?

What OP did didn’t necessarily raise her - and she didn’t necessarily do more than grandparents or aunts and uncles. Even neighbours.

I would go on a long solo trip and leave them to it. I do that at least twice a year even though I am not a stepmum! Cannot recommend it enough.

You can be raised by people who are not biologically related to you , you do know that right ?

You're overthinking it. She has 2 parents who can apparently get on well enough to have raised their daughter and take her out for her birthday celebration. Good for them.
As for the 'we raised her' - it's true, they have. You may have helped out and your DH should be giving you credit and thanking you for that. His ex wife doesn't need to do either.

Too many people in this situation become obsessed about status and being given their place.

OP you have years ahead of you of feeling slighted - you will never be treated like a parent by this young woman. That’s not how she sees you - and that’s okay.

Instead of trying to force your way into the room, why not take a step back? Let her know you would love to get to know her as adult., but in her time and by her rules?

don’t fight to be at every birthday dinner, graduation. Don’t throw a temper tantrum over where your seat is at her wedding. Don’t tell your husband he can’t visit his new grandchild in the hospital unless you are there.

Give control back to this young woman. See if you have anything in common - see if a relationship develops that isn’t forced. This will take years - but to be fair she had been given no choice but to have your forced into her life.

Yeah, but you don’t have a great relationship with the birthday girl so obviously you wouldn’t be at the meal.

She’s 18 now. Start to claw back all the time you’ve spent on her over the last 9 years, starting with her birthday meal. Take yourself off and do something nice for you whilst they’re out celebrating.

Oh of course.

It often seems the way that dads aren't as available for their contact time as mums are!

You’ve said you don’t really get along. That’ll be why.

Well, it doesn’t matter if it is 0% or 100%. OP has to make her own choices.

To my mind, there are two issues here.

Your stepdaughter having a meal out with her bio parents is one issue.
By your own admission, you don't get on and so that would likely spoil the dinner for everyone. YABU. It's best you don't go. Let your stepdaughter enjoy her time as the focus of attention from her bio parents.It will be a lovely thing for your DSD who survived a family breakup and has maintained good relationships with both her bio parents.

The comment about them having raised her is a whole other issue, imo. YANBU. It denies your very real and sizable contribution.

First, I think your DH needs to sit down with his daughter and explain how the collapse of her bioparents' marriage is on them. Even if you were the OW, it was still her Dad's choice. Also her treatment of you is no reflection on her loyalty to her mum but it is unfair to you, especially given all that you have done for her.

Then, DH needs to plan something lovely for you, OP, because you deserve it and your DSD can come along to thank you, or not, just as she chooses, but you need celebrating too.