Step daughters 18th meal

@Bitterfromthesweet Being a step mum can be an utterly thankless task. It is down to your husband though to educate step kids to respect you. On this forum you are going to get lots of responses from birthmums who won't understand your experience necessarily as they haven't lived it, they are seeing things from being in their shoes and not yours (and I don't mean that unkindly). I'm not sure you will gain much understanding on here, have you tried posting on the step parents talk section? You may get a bit more empathy on there.

Personally I would not insist on being present to kids' birthdays if they don't specifically request your presence, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband attending a meal with his ex and his kid without me, unless you are on very good terms with her - if you are, then it may be ok with you, but it sounds like you aren't 100% happy with it and are feeling snubbed and excluded. Have you tried explaining how the situation is making you feel to your husband? In my situation my husband has had birthday celebrations for his kids with the wider family which I haven't attended as the kids haven't specifically asked me to come. However, the ex wife has not attended these (they are not on good terms, so if people are good terms it can be different). If people are on good terms, I would not expect you to be excluded and understand why that may feel unfair and unacceptable to you,

So you don’t want to go and don’t get along with her, what’s the big deal then?

I can’t emphasise enough how much this isn’t about you yet you seem to think it is.

Are you forgetting whose birthday it is OP? It’s not about you. If you don’t get along with your SD (which I know all about, I was once a step parent as well!!) then she’ll hardly want you at her special birthday dinner.

I am sure others have suggested this, but my guess is that you don't get along as well with the mother as you think you do. Or rather, she doesn't really get along with or like you as much as you think. I would hazard a guess that your SD has picked up on this, which is why she has always kept a bit of distance from you. The mother may even have said something to SD behind your back.

Why would she want to spend her landmark birthday with her parents and step mother she doesn't like or get on with?!

It's not a crime to want to spend time alone with your parents without a third wheel and it sounds like you're just being petty about it tbh.

At the risk of being flamed I do not want my daughters ‘stepmother’ at her 18th. Having said that, neither does she.

She’s never wanted to do anything with you but you want to go to her 18th birthday dinner when her mother hasn’t invited you.

If she was behaving like that why didn’t you leave it to DH?

It’s her 18th birthday.
Let her celebrate it with her parents, who she cares about and gets along with.
Why would you WANT to be included?! Just to stir things up? Make everyone uncomfortable? Come on…..🤷🏼‍♀️

Seek help, this is deranged

It’s also the constant “step parents can’t win”, I get it to a point but it’s not about you “winning.”
If you don’t want to deal with the downsides of being a step-parent which includes him dealing with his ex marry someone without children. It’s that simple.
But don’t marry someone with children & insist you must sit at the top table, create an issue over two parents taking their child out for her 18th etc.
If you feel resentful that you did a lot for this child without acknowledgment take it up with DH separately.

But they are this girl’s family. They are her mum and dad. What has this ‘playing happy families’ nonsense got to do with it?

Why can’t a child have dinner with her two parents? Lots of people are mature enough to do this for their child.

What has struck me is how so many people can’t see this from the child’s perspective.

This post kind of reads more like youre upsetvatbthe idea of your dh and his ex playing happy families without you, which, for the record I totally get. Dont take it personally.

Why use the term 'biological parents'? They are her parents.

You cannot “move on” from being a parent or a child. It’s not a romantic meal out it’s about the child . And lots of teenagers are sulky or appear not to care. It doesn’t mean the parents never do anything with them.

Because you don't get on with her.

I'm guessing the parents like their child

You don’t like her. You think she treats everyone with contempt and doesn’t have a bond with anyone.

why do you even care? You haven’t said one kind thing about her.

It wouldn’t be a big deal , we didn’t have a top table at all! But parents would all sit together, I’ve been to many weddings the same. I wouldn’t care or make a fuss either way tbh. Im just not that bothered. I think in this instance , it’s not being driven by the child so the OP has a valid viewpoint.

I completely agree but , this is not being driven by the child! It’s empty and nonsense as she doesn’t care!

They are not playing happy families OP.

They are striving to do their best by their daughter and celebrate important moments in her life together, as the people who brought her into the world & share responsibility for her, because one thing they do still have in common is their love for and interest in her.

If you had an amazing warm relationship with DSD I would say her parents should include you and stepdad. But you know that’s not the case, so however jarring it seems, it’s best to let it go.

And yes, perhaps reassess your feelings about recognition for your efforts from DH - he is the one who should be voicing appreciation and encouraging his DD to say thank you.

Exactly. She will get one 18th birthday. She deserves to celebrate it with her parents. It’s one meal.

All her life she will have to deal with this. Every important milestone will involve discussions around her parents new spouses. Where are they seated at the wedding, what about the first dance, etc. Nothing will be about her and it will be all about them. Just cut the shit and give the girl a break.

Because the children of divorced parents sometimes just want to celebrate their important milestones with their actual parents, especially if their actual parents are civil enough to do it. Not everything is about the partners. You and your husband take her out separately and let her enjoy her time with her mum and dad.

So you have to be at the top table?

my friend had a small top table - only wanted the four parents with step parents at the two family tables with uncles and aunts. One step mother kicked off majorly: tears, tantrums. She wasn’t being treated with respect (even though she was sat beside the bride’s grandparents).

ruined the wedding - other two step parents were perfectly happy. She didn’t attend the wedding. Huge fuss becuase she felt she should be given the same status as the brides mother. No one else understood what the hell she was on about and she was the but of many a joke at the reception🤣.

It’s not the daughter insisting here, it’s the ex wife! Thats why it’s different.

we will all sit on the top table if there ever is one in the future!

it’s not that anyone can’t go to dinner, everyone has just moved on and don’t feel the need to pretend any different!

Really - if your husband’s daughter wanted to have dinner with her two parents he would refuse and would insist on a dinner with you instead?

I assume there is a high conflict relationship there. Most adults could get through one dinner with someone they don’t particularly like for the sake of their child.

i am sorry your husband feels this way - it’s a shame he can’t get passed his own emotions.

will he refuse to sit at the top table at a wedding because he can’t stand his ex? Will he refuse to visit his new grandchild in the hospital unless you are there and his ex has left the building?