Step daughters 18th meal

But you don’t get on with your step daughter? Why do you think it would be nice then?

You’re not her mum unfortunately, you’re just the husband’s new wife.

Let them have this one last night as a family.

There is no need for op to spoil her. She has 2 parents, and she doesn’t like op irrespective of the reasons. Op can give her a birthday card and a present and maintain her self esteem by not forcing herself on someone who does not feel comfortable with them after 9 years of attempts at making relationship. There is no joy in op for this. Perhaps you have a different relationship.

Also, which 18 year old would want an awkward dinner on their milestone birthday with just parents who are not together? In a more happier atmosphere, there will be a family get together to celebrate the child. But father thinks celebrating child’s milestone birthday is not about child but an exclusive party where only parents are allowed because they raised that child. So she is raised in such way that she has problems with a step mother who is not only nice but also cares for her.

I think this is odd tbh. Me and my Ex-H have raised our boys well together over the years but I would find it really really odd to go out with just me, him and the boys.

We both have new partners and new families and if I want to take any of my children or step-children out for a celebration I want to do it with my current husband! My ex can do it with his new wife if he wants.

I think the issue here is your partner - I'd expect mine to (politely) say no to this daft idea and he will do his own thing with you and her instead. His daughter gets 2 celebrations that way too!

I think it was insensitive of your partner to say as they have “raised her to 18” when you have been actively involved in taking care of her in past 9 years.

There are plenty of kids whose milestones are attended by more than 2 family members. But it’s clear you are not a family to her as shown by both your partner and your step dd. She doesn’t even seem to like you. Her reasons maybe justified but you are not the Mother Theresa and there is no noble prize for you, so you allowed to prioritise your emotional well being. Keep the relationship respectful and help where you can but you don’t have to tidy her room, nor you need to wash her clothes. She has two parents to care for her.

You can give her a card and a token gift for her birthday but don’t go overboard with the gift or taking her out, she is not comfortable with you and you know your relationship is not valued.

YABU …have a separate night for you and your husband to spoil her.
Don’t ruin it for her or leave a bad feeling for her to pick up. I’m sure she appreciates you but they are her mum and dad . I’m a step parent to two boys who live with me and my husband but l know l’ll never be their mother . It’s a joy to raise a child that’s not yours as it’s a chance to help them heal from the separation of their original parents. Be happy for everyone ..it’s a healthier approach.

Probably a feeble attempt to assuage their guilt. This is their insecurity, not meant as a slight on you.

If you get on, been an active part of her life, etc etc then yes I think it's reasonable for all 4 'parent's' to celebrate. But if you don't get on with your step daughter then you ought to be waving your DH off and not giving it another thought.

I think it’s a nice gesture for their daughter. You can do a special meal for step parents maybe?

I think you need to let this, albeit slightly annoying, comment go.

Your stepdaughter's 18th is about her and a celebration, for her, with her parents. Be careful you don't spoil it.

Why do you keep doing things for her then? I'd step right back, no more cooking for her or doing her washing.

Why is her father allowing this attitude from her and why isn't he doing the grunt work?

I went with my ex to celebrate my DD’s graduation, my now dh didn’t question it, he’s not her dad (ironically I did go to dsds but only because her mum couldn’t/didn’t want to go and dsd was upset, she was pleased I would go instead)

To be fair, I wouldn’t think to invite someone the birthday girl doesn’t like or get along with.

Dysfunctional? What a judgemental and outdated view. Not far off 50% of marriages end in divorce, are you suggesting that not far off 50% of parents are dysfunctional?

None of us know the dynamics of your relationship with stepdaughter so I don't think any comment can be made about that.

On the face of it, it does seem rather odd that you would have wanted an invitation to your step daughter's 18th celebration dinner with her parents when you say yourself that you don't get on. But I understand why you are feeling hurt. You have tried to be on friendly terms with her but, for whatever reason, your step daughter is unwilling to reciprocate. It must have been upsetting to be rebuffed all the time, especially as she has been in your life for 9 years. It must feel a bit like they are all rubbing salt in the wound by, as you see it, playing happy families.

As you yourself have acknowledged, it wouldn't have been a good idea to be present, so it seems that your hurt is not specifically about this particular occasion but possibly about all the other occasions when you have been treated as an unwelcome outsider. It is likely that, had you attended the dinner, neither you nor your husband and his ex, nor their daughter would have enjoyed the occasion.

Hopefully now that you have let your feelings out on here, you will feel a bit less unhappy, and, you never know, maybe in the future your step daughter will become more friendly towards you as she matures and gets to understand that family life is often complicated and disappointing - and that you have tried your best.

,

Stop overthinking it. This isn't about you.

OP has said she wasn't, but by the timelines given she was either introduced to DD incredibly quickly, the relationship began very soon after the split or a bit of both (break up 10 years ago, been with DH 9 years and been in DDs life 9 years).

None of which was wise, on the part of either adult. It's quick enough to risk a child internalising the idea that the new partner and the break up were connected.

I don’t blame them for wanting to spend time alone with their daughter on her birthday.

BUT, they also shouldn’t have been expecting you to help them with their kid for 9 years.

This x 100

Sorry if this has been asked but you weren’t the OW were you OP? That would massively change the dynamic of things. If not I would just try to accept that she does not currently see you as an extended parent but also accept that her feelings may change as she grows and gets older and has her own independence.

It's her birthday so it's about her not you. You've said you don't get along, so therefore it would be nicer for her for you not to be there?

They are the bio parents, this is a normal request

Exactly.

I can’t think of anything worse or more awkward

My stepson recently turned 18. We had a family meal with him, my husband, our daughter and my daughter, and obviously stepson. Then arranged a nightout with grandparents too. I would have been hurt after 12 years of caring for him (not doing my husbands job, we are a team and care for the three children as such) not to be invited so i can understand why you feel that way.
I suppose its different if you dont get on, have you spoken to your husband?

You are not a nanny but and mostly…you aren’t her mother. Let your step daughter have a meal with both her parents…
and…
next time something come’s up that your husband needs to do. Let him do it…
and…
nothing prevents you from having a special 18th birthday thingy with her too!