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Original poster

Step daughters 18th meal

357 replies

Bitterfromthesweet · 15/11/2025 23:51

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

OP posts:
Monmkeymamkymonky · 16/11/2025 00:20

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:05

Yeah it just seems strange to be going out the two of them with my step daughter when they both have partners, why not the four of us go out?

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Because it's not about you or the other step parent. It's about the 18 year old having a nice meal with just both of her parents which by the sounds of it isn't somthing that happens often

Jesus's christ that poor girl

NConthe · 16/11/2025 00:20

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/11/2025 00:16

That's tough, nothing you can do, maybe as she matures she'll realise that her behaviour was unkind. 💐
Organise something for yourself on the night.

Edited
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She hasn’t been “unkind” ffs. I doubt she asked for her parents to introduce new partners at 8/9/10 years old.

Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:20

I’ve never once shouted at her or told her off, an example; I took her to the theatre but she obviously didn’t want to be there I asked her if she wanted snacks and she said no so I queued for some for me. Then we sat down and was looking at my snacks so I gave her them as she obviously wanted them.
she says no to everything I ask.

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:19

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:16

yeah I’m sure my step daughter would have a better time without me there. I’ve tried to have a relationship but she’s never wanted one.

So why do you think you should be invited then?

Honestly, I could understand a bit more if her mum's partner was invited but you weren't.

But I don't understand why you think your SD would want you there when you don't get along.

Evaka · 16/11/2025 00:18

You're being really mad OP. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Leave the kid alone to enjoy her birthday with her parents who I presume do like her.

NConthe · 16/11/2025 00:18

You don’t get on with your stepdaughter but want to go along to a meal for her birthday? To cause an atmosphere or because you feel you have “a right”? Why not let her have a celebration with her parents?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/11/2025 00:16

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:11

She’s never wanted to do anything with me. I know I’m the adult but whenever I’ve said I’ll buy her anything or take her anywhere she always says no. She wouldn’t even give me her phone number after a time I couldn’t find her at school pick up as she’d gone with a friend.

Show quote history

That's tough, nothing you can do, maybe as she matures she'll realise that her behaviour was unkind. 💐
Organise something for yourself on the night.

Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:16

yeah I’m sure my step daughter would have a better time without me there. I’ve tried to have a relationship but she’s never wanted one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:14

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:12

I'm confused now.

Who were you talking about when you said "Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway."?

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My step daughter sorry

OP posts:
HedgehogCrisps · 16/11/2025 00:14

So you don't get along with your DSD? Why on earth would expect her to celebrate her birthday with you?

You're making this about you OP when it is her birthday.

KitchenDancing · 16/11/2025 00:14

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:12

I'm confused now.

Who were you talking about when you said "Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway."?

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I think she means her SD, which makes her thinking she should be at the meal even more baffling.

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:13

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:12

I'm confused now.

Who were you talking about when you said "Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway."?

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Oh wait, you were talking about your step daughter?

Then why on earth would you expect an invitation to her 18th birthday meal? 🤦‍♀️

redfairy · 16/11/2025 00:13

Kindly, YABU. i'm sure your DSD would love a meal with mum and dad and that is what is important. Of course you have played a role in DSDs life but you are not her parent. Try not to let one comment get to you.

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:12

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:09

I do get on with her mother

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I'm confused now.

Who were you talking about when you said "Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway."?

TomatoSandwiches · 16/11/2025 00:11

This isn't really about you op so not sure why you'd expect an invitation.
Unfortunately you put a lot of effort into taking care of this young lady and have discovered how little it has been valued by your husband and his daughter, a common problem that women need learn about before becoming a step parent.

Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:11

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/11/2025 00:08

Yes, probably not, especially as it is her 18th.
It must be awkward.
How long have you not got along?

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She’s never wanted to do anything with me. I know I’m the adult but whenever I’ve said I’ll buy her anything or take her anywhere she always says no. She wouldn’t even give me her phone number after a time I couldn’t find her at school pick up as she’d gone with a friend.

OP posts:
imadeitnice · 16/11/2025 00:11

My ex husband and I took our daughter out for lunch on her 18th. Without our son, without my husband and without ex husbands wife. I don’t think it’s odd. We also did separate meals, DH, DD, DS and I, and ex husband did the same with his wife and our DD and DS.

KitchenDancing · 16/11/2025 00:09

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:07

I just think it would be nice for the four parents and my step daughter to go out. Why just the biological ones?

Because the biological ones are her parents, the others aren’t. And you don’t get on. Don’t make it about you because it’s not.

Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:09

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:08

How would it be nice if you don't get on with her mother?

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I do get on with her mother

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/11/2025 00:08

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:03

Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway.

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Yes, probably not, especially as it is her 18th.
It must be awkward.
How long have you not got along?

WonderfulUsername · 16/11/2025 00:08

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:07

I just think it would be nice for the four parents and my step daughter to go out. Why just the biological ones?

How would it be nice if you don't get on with her mother?

FenceBooksCycle · 16/11/2025 00:08

Why have you acted as a free nanny and done DH's work for him? Was she born without hands that she can't tidy her own room? Did you marry a useless pathetic excuse for a man who can't cook clean or do laundry? And shielded him from any actual practicalities of parenthood? More fool you. They've raised their child teaching her their own attitudes of using people selfishly, and you've gone along with it for 9 years and have only just noticed that you were being played. I don't mean to be uncaring but you could have chosen a path of self-respect from the get-go.

Original poster
Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:07

I just think it would be nice for the four parents and my step daughter to go out. Why just the biological ones?

OP posts:
KitchenDancing · 16/11/2025 00:07

Bitterfromthesweet · 16/11/2025 00:05

Yeah it just seems strange to be going out the two of them with my step daughter when they both have partners, why not the four of us go out?

Show quote history

Because the partners aren’t her parents and as you’ve said, you don’t get on with her. It’ll be nice for the birthday girl to have both her parents there.

Moetandchandelier · 16/11/2025 00:07

Totally agree. If not all of you, perhaps two nights out so that you can all celebrate. After all you have contributed to her upbringing as well.