Step daughters 18th meal

How does your husband feel about it?

Maybe step daughter requested you & her step dad didn't attend?

of course, it sounds like you did what you could but sometimes things just don’t gel. No-one’s fault. By your timeline you and her her dad were together very soon after her parents split up so I can see why she might have felt a bit disloyal. She’s still young, in time she might feel differently. But for now, I wouldn’t take it personally, you’ve done all you can. Take yourself out with a friend that day and do something nice too.

You live and learn by these things. It's perfectly natural for the biological parents to take their child out for a special birthday meal but I do get where you are coming from @Bitterfromthesweetbecause I have been there too. So much crap on here against your husband . Of course you helped her out when she stayed with you - for the people criticising OP's husband what was OP expected to do or say " oh she is your daughter so prepare her meal while I get ours?" " oh she is your daughter so can you run the washing machine with her clothes only?" . Get real, people. That's a REALLY great way to create a lovely home. Some youngsters hold onto resentment against step parents and it is usually girls more than boys. It will continue with things like graduations etc. Honestly enjoy the peace and quiet and don't get involved in the drama. As I say live and learn for the future.

I agree! OP is being hard done by here. As usual the man is overlooking the work his wife has put in and looking at another woman (one that he couldn’t even make a relationship work with) with rose tinted glasses. It’s a weird dynamic anyway, most 18 year olds wouldn’t be that bothered about a meal out with just their Mum and Dad especially divorced ones! The fact that OP doest’t get along with the ex makes going out as a three disrespectful IMO, if the daughter had made the request I might feel differently but it’s all him and then he makes a comment like that? Men, hate them.

The mother made this comment not the father

I think you answered your own question - you don’t get along with the daughter so why would either of you want to have a celebratory dinner together?

(And I don't think you've been a free nanny - I'm sure the relationship is much deeper than that, and I don't think the lack of an invitation means anyone sees you that way).

I think you could see "raised her til 18" as meaning got her all the way from conception through to adulthood. That's just the two of them. Sounds like a special occasion where they can share some memories with their daughter.

I'm sure she loves and appreciate you too OP but I can see why they might take this one event as a threesome. I hope you'll celebrate however you want to too, but I would make it separate.

Yes you have. But that’s your husband’s fault.

And I would maybe tell your husband how you’re feeling, because regardless of how your SD feels about you, if he has let you care for his daughter, pick her up from school, do her washing etc, then HE owes you a big thank you. He should acknowledge what you have done and should have done so already over the years because you took that pressure off of him.

Her parents are the ones that have fucked her life up, you cant help that. Offer to take her out another time if you wish to, otherwise let them get on with it. None of it is your fault.

But she is their daughter and they know that you don’t really get on with her, so it wouldn’t be right to invite you. Even if you did get on well, it’s still nice for her to have just her parents there with her for this milestone.

Honestly, this will eat you up if you take it personally. If you’ve always shown her kindness, then put it down to her being a child, immature and just struggling with having step parents in general because it won’t be against you in particular.

But you say your stepdaughter would prefer you not to be there. And it's her birthday. So better for her to go out with her mum and dad. If stepdad also being excluded you have no reason to complain.

i just feel like I’ve been a free nanny for 9 years.

That's down to your husband though

And you for doing it, obviously.

Remember though, doing those things were your choice and shouldn’t come with any expectation, other than her being civil of course, because as you say, she didn’t have a choice. If you feel you were taken for granted, your issue was and is with your husband.

Continue to be civil, but she’s 18 now, live your life!

The only thing I can add to this post, as a wife of 30 years , a step mum of 35 years, you won't ever ace a father/daughter bond

And if that's what's planned , then that's what it is

I do get the free childcare aspect - been there, got the tee shirt as well as being the guarantor for rent/loans etc and child care when the grandkids came along

Ive been living with a cancer scare the past 3 months , Not one word has she spoke or text me,

As I say, 30+ years, I know how it goes and I can myself be very manipulative to swing things my way.

Decide if hes worth it, Decide on how much you are prepared to be second place and decide what you can put up with

No, but she didn't have to be rude or take her frustration out on OP, she has two parents who are responsible for her life.

I think it can be hard for children who live with step parents. As she gets older, she may realise it was hard for you too, but just remember that for a child dealing with their parents breakup, sharing their parent with someone new etc can feel shit, especially when he met you so soon after breaking up with her mum.

I didn’t want anything to do with my step parents. They didn’t really do anything wrong, they just weren’t my parents and I’d rather they hadn’t been around. I can see how that would have been hard for them now that I’m an adult, but as a child, I didn’t really get it and it wasn’t really something I thought about.