Step daughters 18th meal

Because the partners are not parents. They are celebrating the child they created together and the milestone they have achieved. Having partners there changes the dynamic and focus.

I would just stand back from this and plan your own day out, for your partner and their daughter to celebrate along with you.

If you don’t get along why would you want / expect an invite?

Well yeah, if you let yourself get into a position where you've done all her cooking, cleaning and laundry and let your husband off the hook, that's exactly what happened.

Do you at least get to enjoy a SAHM lifestyle in exchange for doing all the labour for him?

Because this is how step-mothers are brainwashed into becoming free nannies, both by their partners and places like MN.

It’s too late now but this is why most parenting should be left to the parent.

Stop running around after her.

I think that's unfair. Not all separated parents are a "shit dysfunctional family". My daughter's dad and I will always be a good family even though we are not together romantically and don't cohabit, and we are not remotely dysfunctional. We do stuff like spend Xmas together as a three (not every year, but when she asks us to we do) and so I very much imagine we'll be together for dd's 18th. And if either of us has a partner then, they wouldn't be invited to a specific meal for the three of us unless DD particularly wanted them there. (Though it there was a larger celebration for extended family members we might well invite them).

OP, I do understand why you might feel a little left out, if you are close to your stepdaughter. My ex and his ex wife took my grown up step son out for his 25th and didn't invite me, even though he and I were particularly close at that point as I was supporting him through some MH stuff, and in fact at certain points in the meal he texted me and sent me pictures of his food (we share an interest in vegetarian cooking)

However, when I sat back and thought about it, I realised that, though I did have a special role in his life, I was NOT his parent (or parent equivalent - not saying it's all about biology). He already had two of those. And it was totally appropriate for the three of them to have a special celebration just for them. If others had been invited and I hadn't, that would have been different!

Its not about you . You are trying to make it in to something its not.
Its about her 18th birthday .
And it sounds like she would like it just her mum and dad .

She’s hardly going to tell you “it’ll be nice if you aren’t there” is she.

My ex’s parents split when he was a young teen. They both took him (and me) out for a meal to celebrate a special occasion and he really appreciated them both being there without their partners and without tension and drama.

This is about your step daughter and the fact it’ll be something nice and special for her. It’s not about you.

You and your step daughter havent got a good relationship so why would she want you there and why would you want to be there
So weird

It will soon be over, it's only a meal.

The girl is eighteen and will no longer need you to offer to do things for her. Who knows, she may actually get to like you as an individual as she matures, it's always difficult with a parent's new partner.

You'll move on from this, it will soon be forgotten.

Unfortunately you put a lot of effort into taking care of this young lady and have discovered how little it has been valued by your husband and his daughter, a common problem that women need learn about before becoming a step parent.

I’m afraid that I agree with @TomatoSandwiches, you’ve been taken for granted and now it’s becoming obvious. Tbh, it’s a DH problem, because he hasn’t modeled being appreciative of what your parents and step-parents do for you.

Although that might change when your DSD leaves home. My DD (20) says that going to uni made her appreciate us more.

She doesn't like you
But you want your husband to realise your sacrifice and contribution?
Or are you annoyed that they are playing happy families when they are divorced?
Are you jealous and worried that they are alone together?
I wouldn't worry, ur step daughter is now an adult
Just make sure you don't do stuff for her anymore just to win her dad's love, she's told you time and time again to go away.
You really should've listened, it was never your job to do anything for her and yes as a step parent you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Because you don’t get on?

And if you feel like "a free Nanny" for 9 years that surely has to do with your DH?

When I first got with my partner, I was reading up some stuff generally on being a good step parent figure and just getting some perspectives before I entered this (incredible) kids life. And I read "that step parenting is often a thankless task" not in a negative sense, but in a supporting role sense and it really stuck with me. My job as this caring adult in her life is to give her dad space and support do his job as her parent without adding friction to the best of his ability. I won't get all the recognition and the weekend lay ins, but I get to love her and that's enough for me.

Because you said you don't get along with her

.

I agree with you; everyone could ideally go out together, with partners involved. She is a grown young woman now and sees that Mum and Dad both have partners. She will also find it weird if he and her mum go together, leaving partners at home.

As both parties are now with new partners, there should not be any animosity and it should be workable to all celebrate together.

But in the absence of that (as this clearly won't happen, since most exes just won't consider this) then in your position, I'd make plans to also take her out, just you and your husband together. And it is an opportunity to tell her that you have been happy and proud to help her for nine years.

Because it’s not their invitation to give, it’s your SD birthday a special one in fact and if she just wants it to be her parents then that’s her prerogative

Both my parents have partners and have done for decades but there have still been times over the years when it’s just been me, my parents and my sister going out to mark a life milestone and that’s because it’s what me and/or my sister wanted

OP you sound completely fed up. I think this is more to do with your husband expecting you to do the parenting for him over the years and the lack of appreciation for that combined with the disappointment and sadness that you don’t have the close relationship with your dsd that you hoped for.
How is your relationship with your husband? How do you envision your life now dsd is an adult?

It was a clumsy way of him saying "we want a biological family meal" - which is fine for them to have

Then you and DH take DSD out yourselves. Not that it sounds like she'll want that because she doesn't like you apparently

Don't let your man hating get in the way of facts

OP and DSD don't get on, she's fine with the ex

So you and she don’t really have the kind of relationship where you would be invited to her birthday meal, and you’re used to that, you’ve tried but have accepted your place in her life. You accept you going would be awkward too and yet you’re still pissed off?

I don’t reckon this is about the stepdaughter. I reckon you don’t want your husband going to dinner with his ex.

Yes but you haven't been so choose the route which is the least drama for yourself. It's one evening. I'm sure your husband won't be that keen to spend much time in the company of his ex but this is about his daughter. He will know how you feel I'm sure.

You said you don my get along with her so I it would make sense you weren’t invited?