Step daughters 18th meal

Why would you be invited? You aren't wanted by your SD who you clearly have no relationship with. Baffling.

It’s not about the SD’s thanklessness. She’s young and may mature to appreciate you more. The hurt has 100% come from his thoughtless comment. Making you feel like a mug. Talk to him.

It is baffling isn't it, an adult speaking about a child like that. And now the whole poor me martyring act. Why do some adults expect children to be more regulated/have more emotional maturity than they themselves are capable of.

Op , can you not see that wanting nothing from you was a way to try and take control of this woman who possibly in her mind had taken her dad from her mum, or away from her? And to say - I never shouted at her - why would you shout at her? That's a low bar.

You may have done these things but you are not her mother. You can take her for another meal, can’t you? How lucky is she to have the support of all these people in her life.

The fact you describe it as ‘the two of them with my step-daughter’ instead of ‘the two of them with their daughter’ is quite telling, IMO.

Because they are the two who love her.

It's her day. She wants to spend it with the people who love her.

Well there’s your answer.
You’re not invited to her birthday because she doesn’t like you.

I think you know the reason is because you don't get along with your stepdaughter.

But you could offer to arrange another event which includes the step parents too. It's not unusual to have more than one birthday celebration.

This is on dh who has allowed this for the past 8 years.

I would imagine your sd has said she doesn't want you there but has asked mum and dad not to say

Even if you got on really well with your step daughter, I don’t thing there’s anything strange about her wanting a birthday meal with just her actual parents. The fact that you don’t get on well with her makes it even less strange.

If you feel unappreciated, then have words with your husband. But they are not being unreasonable in going out for the meal just the three of them.

When did society change so much ..that people think it is ok for a child to be rude , dismissive,and ungrateful towards an adult...what happened to manners ,do we not teach that any more at home ???

Because maybe she wants to go out with her parents and not just their partners as well? That changes the dynamic.

I'm actually surprised at some of the replies
I had a step mum and a step dad ..in the 1980s ...god help me if I'd been anything but polite and gracious for anything they did for me .
So ..op ..what did your husband do ,each time she was rude and ungrateful to you ..why did you marry him when he didn't tackle her behaviour..did you think by being kind and nice she would come round and like you ..
I totally hated my step mum and she hated me ..but living with her the possibility of me being rude or sulking or stroppy,would of had me knocked in to the middle of next week
I'm sorry you husband allowed his daughter to be rude to you and ungrateful to you ..and I'm sorry he's still doing that now with the meal suggestions

It may not go ahead ..I'm sure the new partner of mum is probably feeling the same as you ..
It does feel a bit odd as a suggestion.. Id be surprised if it actually happens.
If your DH pays for it ,that's coming out of your money too .
I'd suggest he rethinks and invites all 4 parents

They’re her parents and I think it’ll be lovely for her as they can eg talk about when she was born etc but really not nice to say the 18 years thing as yes you were there for her x

So why on earth do you expect to be at her 18th meal with her mum and her dad?!? Doesn’t sound like you have helped to raise her, and she’s resented having to share her dad with you.

It’s her 18th - stop making it about you. If you’ve always been this way inclined I’m not surprised she dislikes you TBH.

This is something for your DSD to celebrate her milestone birthday with her parents. Her stepmother who she doesn't care for does not belong there. I'm sure it's not your fault OP, she just didn't bond with you because of her own issues. But even if you were close I don't think it would be out of order for you to be excluded from this.

Because those are the only ones your step daughter is interested in, and it’s her birthday.

I can understand how you feel OP - it must have seemed a thankless role for a long time, but these things sometimes turn out that way.

But looking on the bright side, it's now basically over. You know where you stand with her and now that she's an adult, you no longer have to "try to be nice" in the face of her coldness, and can essentially ignore her. Get on with enjoying your own life and be thankful you no longer need to be part of hers.

Because they're her parents? I'm sure she's appreciative of you but with all due respect you're not her mum. It's kind of nice they still all want to do something together. Do another meal together just you three as well without her mum involved.

Because bottom line, it’s just not about you

She doesn’t like you OP. So she doesn’t want you there for her birthday.

Why do you think step parents should be there? I think it's perfectly natural for her actual parents to go out for her 18th birthday meal, she's their child.

If she doesn't like you why would you want to make it awkward for her by being there anyway. It's her birthday, not a thank you dinner for you having done her washing etc( more fool you).

She may change her attitude to you as she grows up, or maybe she won't. But she probably views you as dispensable, if you and her father split she'd never see you again whereas her parents will always be in her life. You can't make someone love you, even if you try very hard. She was a child when you came into her life soon after her parents split, she already had a mother and didn't need another woman to take on that role when she was with her father.

I think it’s a lovely idea for the mum and dad to take her out for a meal together.

how can you say you’ve raised her if you don’t even have a relationship with her.