Step daughters 18th meal

So what on earth is all the fuss about - this is actually a waste of a post!

Ufff this is one you have to accept as part of the package. Small price to pay as it is only a dinner.

How is their relationship? Your husband and his ex are they on good terms etc? I understand the uneasy feeling of them spending time together but surely after this amount of time you can trust him.

If I were you I would make plans with some girlfriends that night to go out for dinner so you’re not sitting in watching the clock. Get yourself dolled up and feeling good about yourself. If the SD is now 18 that’s her an adult why don’t you and DH start to make each other a priority and focus on your relationship for a while.

In time your SD will see everything you done for her but don’t hold breath just get on with your own life

You got together with your DH just 6 months after he had split from his wife? No wonder you dsd had taken a dislike to you.

I agree - how awful that this man didn’t show up for his children because he felt his wife should be there.

what a clear signal that he picked his new wife over his children.

while of course it would have been polite to include his wife - what was more important, that this woman was shown manners and respect, or that children got to see their dad at special occasions.

people have awful priorities

Imo you are reading too much into that word "parenting". Like it or not, and regardless of how much "parenting" you too have done or how unfairly unappreciated you have been, they are her birth parents and have "done parenting" (however badly) for 18 years. It sounds to me like her DM used a light-hearted turn of phrase to which you are attaching far too much importance.

You seem really good natured, sorry that this has illuminated things that have made you feel unappreciated. You now know so you can either challenge or change it.

Also it’s not OP’s fault this girl has had a relationship with her more than what she wanted. It’s the parents’ fault. They think they’re doing the right thing for her with this meal and pushing the parents only thing, but they clearly didn’t see the importance of that in day to day life and probably selfishly wanted to use Op for their own benefit.

Oh, the joys of family life according to Mumsnet.

In other words the two days a week / one Friday a month her parents should have been doing it. If I was that kid’s mum I’d be grateful someone gave up a Friday a month to help me and my ex with our child for however many years when they didn’t have to.
That’s a Friday a month where a stepmum makes life easier for the child even if the child doesn’t see it that way. That’s a Friday a month where the parents’ lives are made easier by the stepmum being there.

It’s amazing how when the child is a school aged child, the stepmum’s input is massively
demanded because apparently without it the child will suffer for eternity (Manipulative behaviour from parents and their cheerleaders). Stepmums are even held to higher standards than parents eg they should pick the sick child up from school but parents always seem to be stuck at work 🤔.
Then when the child is older, the input and help over the years is just minimised. “You helped with homework and washing? So what?” Funny how it was so crucial back when she did it.

Leave it! Let them go out just the three of them.
There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be involved in a separate celebration if you wish but let them have that precious time together.

I might have missed it but what has been the living arrangements for SD these last nine years?

And when she's older she might be able to take actions that are free of her mother's judgement. I would bet money that her mother gives out little signals that she doesn't like her daughter getting too close with op. Kids are incredibly loyal to their mothers.

I think she only started feeling that since reflecting on not being invited to the dinner. It's one of those light bulb moments.

I think you're right to be annoyed OP, but seems SD is caught in-between. As she treats you the same as everyone else, I'd actually continue to show her love but without forcing it on her or expecting anything back other than respect.

As PP said, she'll realise when she's older how lucky she is to have you in her life.
The dinner is a milestone but they'll be more to come like graduations and weddings etc, don't try to be her mum but celebrate in your own way at home. Something low-key.

How sad for the children. I'd be ashamed of my husband if he abandoned his children like that.

It is though- they’re ’celebrating’ 18 years of co parenting their daughter!

Not just disputing that - just suggesting that if that’s how she’s feeling which is her right to feel that’s possibly why she’s getting bad vibes back from the SD

I think most of us would be bitter to find that we had slowly drifted into doing the hard work of parenting for a man who could then tell the world what a great dad he is. It could happen to the best of us.

Curious why did you take SD to theatre etc? Did DH ask you to do were you trying to build a relationship with her? If the latter, why is that important to you? Did you attach a value to having that relationship and you are hurt by SD lack of interest?

Its strikes me that the way you speak about SD is a little harsh as she is after all a teenager and they are not generally known for their stable moods & great social skills.

I think your approach is sensible to not tie it to the meal. I do think DH needs to hear your feelings about the amount you put in that yorj feel hasn’t been acknowledged.

Glad you have realised it's a DH issue. Don't do any more for the pair of them.

I think it's a good idea not to tie it to the birthday. Because it doesn't sound like the situation would be better if you were invited, or if there were no meal and she wanted to celebrate with her mates instead. Better to have the discussion after.

Out of interest, how fast did he introduce you to her? I assume when you said you'd been together 9 years and known her 9 years there was some rounding... but it does sound like he was ever so keen to get you involved asap.

You sound quite bitter and resentful. Perhaps SD dislikes you because she’s picking up on your negative energy?