AIBU? Partner out drinking and ignoring my messages and calls, I've had enough

He sounds like a catch! It’s not normal to harass a partner on a night out tho

as the previous posts say, you’re both reasonable and unreasonable as you’ve basically presented two different issues.

first one, is it reasonable to harass him when he’s out. No. It is not.

second one, is it reasonable to want to end a relationship where you’ve been cheated on, yes yes it is.

however you can’t decide to stay in a relationship with a cheater, go on to have a child in that relationship and still behave like you don’t trust them, and you don’t trust them,. You calling and texting him won’t make him not cheat. A quick message back won’t mean he isn’t cheating. And he can cheat in any bar in the world. It doesn’t need to be that one.

so you either accept he cheated, and want to stay with him, or you end it, accepting you simply can’t get over the cheating, but tried.

You trust him or you don't. I wouldn't respond either to my partner messaging me when I was out asking I if I was having a good time. Chances are that yes I am having a good time and I don't want to be on my phone and rather talking to my friends. If you messaged a concern however then I would respond e.g. if the message was worry over a poorly child then I would likely leave and go home.

I think you haven't got over him cheating and if you can't move past that then the relationship isn't going to work out. Did you try counselling to help?

But there is no emergency.

YANBU not to trust him and to separate due to his past behaviour, but what you are doing now is not healthy or reasonable.

Bin him. Life doesn’t need to be like this.

Completely agree with this

Yanbu to come to the conclusion that you should dump his arse. YABU to continuously contact him on nights out. What’s even the point? He doesn’t respect you as it is, he’s not going to suddenly have an epiphany while down the pub with his mates just because you keep calling and messaging him.

Hmm I wouldn’t pester mine on a night out BUT he goes out honestly once / twice a year on a boozy one so that’s his time

Well yes it is unreasonable, you knew he was going out, why couldn’t you have dealt with whatever you’re asking him about before he went? Or can’t it wait until morning? I’m struggling to see what could possibly be so urgent he needs to respond immediately on his night out.

You’re not unreasonable to think he’s a cheating idiot that you’d do better to leave.

I said YABU because there's no need to be constantly texting/ringing on a night out, unless there's an emergency. The fact that you feel you can no longer trust him is an issue though, why are you still in the relationship? It won't work without trust.

The thing is though that you can’t separate these two things. The reason why you are (justifiably) irritated and concerned is because he has form for cheating.

When my partner goes out I don’t bother him seeking reassurance because I trust him and because what reassurance could he give me anyway? Its a completely pointless thing to do. The fact you feel the need to do it underlines how anxious and insecure you are about the relationship.

You won’t ever get the reassurance you need. The only way to get this peace of mind is to get control of it by leaving. He doesn’t respect you, so you don’t trust him. A few phone calls and text messages on a night out won’t change that.

I can totally see why you're so anxious about him going out given what he's put you through.
How long ago did he cheat with the girl at the bar?
It's so easy to say leave but bloody hard to do.
You can't live on your nerves every time he goes out though. Well, you can but it will ultimately wear you down completely. You deserve far better.
It's admirable you've been so forgiving and tried to make it work, I don't know if I could. But I think you're living through longer torment now than when he didn't come home or cheated.
You're worried about upsetting HIM. If he's seen your messages he should give a quick reply to one. Especially given his past. He should want to reassure you, albeit briefly.
I'm sure he loves you, but he sounds so selfish.
You deserve some peace of mind that he'll be faithful and come home.

It sounds like you are angry at yourself. You should be! You stayed with him after he he treated you like dog shit. You’re starting to put yourself first. Just dump him. Everything will work out

After all he’s done op a little reassuring text isn’t too much to ask for x

I would be annoyed if Dh bothered me for no reason if I was out. It bothers you because you don’t trust him.

Time for your disappearing act. Get your ducks in a row and GTF out. Take your kid and move away, get CMS organised and forget he exists.

Boundaries are for you, not other people. And you constantly texting and calling his really weird (even with his past form).

YABU for being in a relationship with and having a child with this man.

YANBU for wanting to leave him.

Since when? Yes all hen nights are virtuous pure little snowflakes let alone other other scenarios

@Acb1 OP, you are getting your knickers in a twist over trivialities while ignoring that stinking great elephant in front of you. Him being out of contact on a night out is utterly irrelevant to your situation.

Just end it already.

He sounds awful and, as horrible as it sounds, you sound like a door matt op.

OP stop wasting your time with him and seeking approval from others to do what makes you happy and gives you peace of mind and self-respect.

clearly if you live together, there will be practicalities you need to sort out, it may not be an instant fix, but start the process. Why not use 2026 as your year to get rid of people who drag you down.

This.

I’d not be messaging anyone if they were out drinking. What’s the point.

He is who he is. You’re not going to change that by trying to keep him on a short leash.
That just comes off as desperate.

Why on earth are you wasting your life clinging onto a scumbag like this? Just find a decent man who you don’t feel the need to check up on. The trust has long gone, get him in the bin and move on.

I predict him turning it back on her too.

Has he still not contacted you/come home yet OP?

I have not read the full thread yet but I just feel really annoyed that he has even gone back to that bar. If he cared enough, he would never frequent that place or wherever she may move on to work. He'd be too ashamed to darken its doors.

He seems to be relishing that you were trying to reach him, and this is a mind game I know from an ex-partner who was also a cheat. He wants you to be driven to anger, so that when he comes home, he can make you out to be the one who caused the argument.

By his non-response, he is deliberately pushing your buttons.

He's going to turn it all around on you, I see it coming.