Would you expect/would your family join in with the Tom foolery?

Handy quiz for @Pissingitdownquelsurprise to dish out to prospective visitors next time she’s planning a get together:

A six year old relative approaches you and asks you to play trains with her. Are you a) absolutely outraged, why isn’t this child in her room?! b) absolutely charmed, what a great chance to get to know this child and get out of a boring chat about Aunt Enid’s leg c) absolutely unbothered, you say “I’m just talking to your mum but why don’t we have a bit of a play with them after lunch?”

You were having an adult "meeting" and your child should perhaps have been encouraged to play somewhere else. You can't expect adults to entertain children.

You and your DH "running around" and playing hide and seek with the child while you have guests is just bad manners. Were you brought up like that?

You're going to put people off your child if you keep behaving like this.

If you decide to have people over for 5-6 hours then you need to be the ones that make sure she’s entertained….

Eh? The event was at the op’s house.

If you decide to bring your child along for 5-6 hours was it? Then you need to be the ones that make sure she’s entertained.

It’s nobody else’s job.

Whether she’s neurodivergent or not that's a long time to be in the presence of others, of course she’d expect others to play with her/talk to her.

You definitely should be talking to her about how to be socially (unless she is neurodivergent in such a way that she can’t handle social situations - which she should not be made to go to)… to not bug people, that everybody is different and may not want to play at all, that if she needs someone to play with then it should be you or your husband.
You should also make sure she has enough things to play with that you’ve brought that will give her time for to play independently by herself when you’re both not able to be with her.

Personally I preferred the company of children over adults at that age and would have happily spent all the time with her, but it completely depends on who you are as a person, how you feel mentally, how you were raised… many things, and you can’t expect or rely on anyone else to entertain your child.

I feel the way you’ve written this post and the way you’ve been responding is very close minded, and no matter what anyone says you won’t take on any opinions or advice so I don’t really see the point of you asking on here.

À great many people, including me, have no experience of young children, don't really like them or know how to engage with them. This nightmare situation would have made me incredibly embarassed. I feel totally sympathetic towards your young relatives.

You need to teach your child appropriate boundaries and social behaviour so she learns to sit quietly and read or something rather than pestering guests.

I wouldn't allow a puppy to bother guests like this. It would be swiftly removed to another room and given a chew toy. I certainly would not désert my guests and take it into the garden to play fétch.

If the child were nagging all day for people to play, then that would be exasperating and no wonder the older kids retreated to their phones. At that age life is one long embarrassment and if they’re not used to small children it can be terribly awkward.

As others have said, a board or card game - Guess Who, Kerplunk, Frustration, Snap - all good to play for a bit at any age.

“Active play” is many people’s idea of torture - let alone at someone else’s house.

What a strange comment that I am entitled. Bizarre extrapolation there.

Wanting to interact with others is not an indulgence. It is a normal human engagement.

Whether the adults played hide and seek or read r a book or played snap, it’s really really a big deal.

Perhaps stop insulting other posters too.

I wouldn’t speak with a six year old who was bouncing around all over me either - I am not a climbing frame.

If OP wants people to interact with her DD then she needs to teach her how to behave in company, not expect her guests to tolerate being jumped on and interrupted.

OP later clarified that the game was running around the back yard playing hide and seek, which they did with their daughter while their visitors waited. Chatting fine. Playing, fine depending what it is. Physical games don't suit everyone, every day, and I don't think that's a reasonable expectation. Usually what is played is negotiated, not told.

What's not clear is if the phones came out when the family went out to play in the yard or when they were trying to escape the bouncing child.

I would’ve expected your parents to try and play, or maybe your sibling but I think teenagers can be a bit awkward around kids & probably just can’t relate to them.

I personally don’t make any effort with other people’s kids (despite having my own). I have a few friends who make zero effort with mine, but I totally understand. Kids are annoying to be fair :/.

But no, I wouldn’t expect anyone to want to overly engage or play with my kids.

You did say bouncing all over the place in your OP. When I’m with adults, I don’t like kids bouncing all over the place. Some boys seem to do this a lot more than girls. It’s irritating when you’re trying to have a conversation. I struggle to engage with any child, other than my own DC, for more than 5 minutes as I find them boring.

'I totally get that they all probably don’t want to and it’s not much fun, but wouldn’t you give attention..,or at least talk to your little cousin/niece?'

They didn't even speak to her. No interaction. And later on ended up scrolling on their phones.

It's not healthy or polite to ignore people and sit on your phone at a family gathering. How can anyone think it's acceptable to do that?

I would engage with a polite child but not one that was (in OP’s own words) bouncing around everywhere.

'DD asking them if they wanted to play or trying to make conversation.'

From the OP. Her family couldn't even manage that!

Is that really asking too much? It should be normal to engage with any family member including a young one. Instead, they sat scrolling on their phones!

so glad my family and friends are nice, normal people and not like the child/people haters on here!

It’s not being a “child hater” not to want a six year old bouncing around all over you 🙄

I have no issue chatting to a small child who is being polite and well-behaved, but if one was bouncing all over me and constantly wanting attention, I would expect the parents to intervene and take them out somewhere for a bit, or set them up with a film or some colouring.

In OP’s scenario she could have spent time with her family while her DH took the 6yo the park to burn off some energy.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes

She never said hours. Where did the op say hours?
Who said the kid is over indulged?
Over indulged because, shock horror, the kid wants to play? Chat? Interact in the only way a kid really knows how? OMG!

You sound as entitled as the OP! 🙄
Of course the kid is overindulged if it’s the expectation that the world revolves around her. At 6 years old a child should have the level of understanding that they should not expect adults and older teenagers to entertain them. The OP said the family were visiting for a few hours, I did not see her state that she expected people to play for only a few minutes. It came across that the 6 year old dictated the events which most of us replying on here disagree with. This is not fair on the family members or the child to grow up thinking that they can get their own way. This sort of attitude is the reason why behaviour is so awful in schools and in society in general at the moment.
As for your ‘interact the only way a kid really knows how’ comment, that should not be the case at 6. My DC were perfectly capable of sitting and having a conversation and would not have expected adults and teenagers to play games with them, my youngest also has ADHD but I have never allowed her to use this as an excuse to behave badly.
Small children can be tedious and not as adorable to others as they are to their own parents. There’s nothing wrong with thinking this and it doesn’t mean we are all child haters. It’s perfectly fine for people to have different views on the subject. It’s interesting that you are sending unpleasant responses to posters disagreeing with the OP but I haven’t seen you mention anything about it being wrong for the OP to accuse anyone who disagrees with her to be child hating drunks!

I do wonder if some on this thread are used to mansions where children can simply be confined to the attics/the east wing when not required.

I also wonder how many of those outraged that a 6 year old would want to speak to their own family members have had their kids glued to the TV or a tablet since they could support their own heads. I’m sure it’s not all but maybe this is why some parents do it? Fear of the child impinging on others?

Conversation is fine and would be expected as polite. Having to run around the backyard playing hide and seek isn't such a reasonable expectation.

Exactly this. ⬆️

They’re not “OP’s visitors”, they’re her daughter’s family! totally different if they were eg the OP’s colleagues or friends from her book club. The relatives weren’t being asked to be responsible for the child, just to have a proper conversation with her!

gosh some awful people on this thread. I thought we were past the days of kids being “seen and not heard” but apparently not!

op YADNBU. Even my very old-school FIL will interact with the young kids in the family. As the older person it’s very easy to direct kids to do something you’d enjoy. So if DS asked FIL to play hide and seek he’d say “I’m too old for that but bring me your favourite book and let’s read it together” or “bring me your toy knights and tell me about them”.

once they’ve had that positive interaction it’s fine to then say, “it’s been lovely playing with you but I’m going to catch up with auntie X now. Let’s play Snap after lunch”. THAT’s having social skills around kids, not ignoring them or telling them to go away. Especially when they’re your niece/cousin!

so glad my family and friends are nice, normal people and not like the child/people haters on here!

She never said hours. Where did the op say hours?

Who said the kid is over indulged?

Over indulged because, shock horror, the kid wants to play? Chat? Interact in the only way a kid really knows how? OMG!

OP please let me know what country you are referring to.
If it’s the norm for adults to be expected to spend hours playing with an overindulged 6 year old who doesn’t have any boundaries and for kids to be running riot in pubs then I’ll avoid visiting there! Just for the record I’ve had 3 cups of tea today and don’t hate children. I have two of my own who were not forced on guests when they visited because I had enough self awareness to realise that this is a selfish attitude.

Speak to and engage don't have to mean running around the yard playing hide and seek. They should be acknowledged and included, but not be the centre of attention all the time.