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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

183 replies

MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:29

Some people seem to fall in love with their sadness. AIBU to think grief sometimes becomes performance when healing threatens attention?

OP posts:
dudsville · 15/11/2025 19:46

Sure, some people do, but what's that matter to you? If everyone's doing the best they can in life, some will be doing some things better than others, and on it goes.

gamerchick · 15/11/2025 19:45

Grief changes a person forever. Everyone's timeline is different.

It's been nearly 2 years since I lost one of my kids. I'm still grieving, I rarely talk about it IRL but it's obvious and I'm glad the people around me understand and treat me with kindness for as long as I need.

I spent time with a mother recently who lost her son 8 years ago. She's in and out of mental health facilities, the pain of her loss oozes out of her. Shes struggling to come to terms with it. You would call it performative. Should she just get over it already?

You do not get to dictate how people grieve. One day you'll be in that place and need people. So I'd probably keep these feelings to yourself IRL.

RocketPanda · 15/11/2025 19:43

Grief is an awful experience and not one I would wish on anyone. It rips everything about you asunder and sometimes the pieces don't come back together. Theres no time frame for grief and you can't help but be changed by it.

Original poster
MourningMirrorOtter · 15/11/2025 19:38

Pottersciderbar82 · 15/11/2025 19:32

Oh.

That’s an interesting take.

Why do you say that OP?

Because I’ve noticed (in real life and online) that some people almost build their identity around grief. Not everyone, of course, genuine grief is real and painful. But sometimes when the intensity eases or healing begins, it seems to unsettle them because the attention, sympathy or sense of purpose attached to the grief fades too. It just made me wonder whether, for a minority of people, the grief becomes about who they are now, not just what they’ve lost.

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 15/11/2025 19:35

Maybe, but equally, sometimes people get impatient with other people’s grief because they don’t have the empathy to understand it’s real and not something you can choose.

Nineandahalf · 15/11/2025 19:34

I think it partly is about identity - how you find out who you are once the part of the life with your loved one has ended.
Most things we feel ARE self centred.
However , I don't think people fall in love with grief at all. It's not enjoyable to grieve so heavily.

Pottersciderbar82 · 15/11/2025 19:32

Oh.

That’s an interesting take.

Why do you say that OP?

Mayflower282 · 15/11/2025 19:31

Sheesh. You’ve obviously never experience significant loss. It’s absolute agony.