To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

But who are you to determine how "small" or "big" someone's grief is? How arrogant!

Oh that’s so true. A Walnut Whip had me in tears the other day for my lovely mum.

If that's all she talked about she obviously needed more help to process things around it. I'm guessing this was before the days there were easy avenues for her to do that, like counselling or support groups?

Genuine grief is all consuming so I’m guessing OP has never experienced this.
Having lost my mam, brother, all grandparents, BIL, SIL and ex partner, I know grief. It hits you when you’re least expecting it even years on.
A Covid funeral creates trauma that lasts for far longer too. You weren’t allowed the normal rituals to help you move on.
Grief has a lasting impact. There’s far fewer presents to buy at Christmas. No one left to travel to.
I read the threads about family disagreements and none of it applies to me. But I have to stay strong for my DC’s. And support them through the grief of losing their much loved uncle and auntie. If I lost them it would utterly break me.
I’m guessing what you mean might be the performative grief on socials. And yes that’s distasteful. If they knew real grief they wouldn’t be posting.

It's the little things that set it off, and often they are so unexpected and suddenly in your face. I understand. 💜

I kind of agree. My mum died very suddenly and way before her time and obviously my nan lost her daughter, which was unbelievably awful for her. But it got to the point where that's all she talked about, to people who knew her and to strangers, and I didn't always want to be reminded of it and it made people feel uncomfortable. I think in some ways she liked the attention but I can't really blame her I guess. For me, very few people know anything about what happened. I would never just tell people unless they ask or unless we happen to be talking about that kind of thing

Your children may feel the loss of a missing sibling they never got to know more as they get older.

Public wailing - not my style but, if it helps someone else, let them. In some cultures it's part of the whole thing and there are even hired wailers at funerals. To be honest, letting it all out is probably healthier than bottling it all up.

Well it's been 9 years since my child died and it often feels like just yesterday. In some ways the passing of time makes it harder as they are more distant.

I've had 4 deaths of close family in the past 2 years and I can honestly say I've never had a performative moment.Support has been minimal from anyone and people still cross the street to avoid me.What you describe bears no resemblance to anything I've experienced.

My mum used to call people professional mourners, or say their tears were for show.

It said more about her than it said about them.

I accept there are some who wallow or use their grief for attention, but they are the minority when it comes to the number of people grieving.

I wouldn't wish grief on anyone. we lost my fil 8 years ago now and its still as hollow as it was then. it changed both me and my husbands lives forever. we didn't have performative grief but had days apon days of just struggling on and keeping face. you learn to live with it little things remind me of him which make me well up and have a little cry in private. he is not there to join us in lives special moments. Xmas is not the same. I have friends and work colleagues also lost someone no one does what you have siad. one of our neighbours lost her son in a bad accident she still goes about her day stops and chats to you but you can see it.in her eyes it's there. I wouldn't wish grief on anyone

While I don't want to minimise the loss of parents, that at least is in the natural order. It's hard to lose them and painful, and life is different with a generation now missing, but we all know it is likely to happen sometime.

I think the most difficult losses are usually a spouse or child. When I think of the loss of my child, I get a quick flash of all the hospital stays and the three year journey before we lost her. I see all her friends now getting married and having babies, like she might have been.

I've seen friends lose spouses and my DH is having some health struggles right now. I'm not that old really and have had to consider the potential that I might have a few decades of having to live life without my soulmate by my side. It's a sudden change of perspective I never say coming. Widowhood is still more in the natural order than a child though. You know one of you is going to lose the other eventually.

The thing with grief is I think it's cumulative. Each loss builds on the other. How I respond to that is part of my identity and shapes who I am now, for better or worse. Even if it's inconvenient for people like OP who would prefer it affects me differently. At least people are more understanding of the loss of parents and spouses. Children are just too hard for most people to handle. That makes it a lonely journey. Hard enough without being told you're doing it wrong.

I lost a sibling. It was life changing in the sense that it was and still seems completely unbelievable. My grief wasn't and isn't performative. No one would who didn't know my history would know. It's loss pure and simple. I would honour anyone's method of coping with loss.

You don't get to categorise what kind of bereavement is worthy of as you call it, "real life altering grief". How do you know what effect a loss has in somebody ?
How dare you call grief attention seeking.
Performative🙄.......you have clearly never experienced loss.

I think grief in England is very weird in the main. As you point out, your expected to be tight lipped and get over it. Your expected to only show upset when it touches you directly.

It's very unhealthy to not show or feel grief. My mum lost three children. She had no counciling or therapy, she just got pregnant again asap. She was expected to suck it up. But that pain defined her. And me. And all of us as a nuclear family. You would never have seen her cry. Ever. You would have seen her drink though.

I went to my cousins funeral. They was in there 20's. I put on my sunglasses and bit my lip like a true Brit.

It's not like this in Ireland where death isn't a shameful vulgar conversation. When people I know die, they seem to cease to have ever existed. Because no one ever mentions their name again.

So I'd never judge anyone's grief journey as my experiences are not healthy either.

Some people grieve very quietly without broadcasting it to everyone they meet. I have felt the pain of grief (many times) but I have never felt the need to vocalise it or demonstrate it in my behaviour. I have always had to get on, no wallowing in a dark corner for me…

I think i get what you mean OP. Genuine grief is devastating and I find it distasteful when I see certain people on Instagram etc seeming to capitalise on it and trying to make it their career.

Her brother died young and she dares to remember him? How utterly awful for you 🤦‍♀️

Regardless, grief hurts like hell, have empathy

You grieve for the person you have lost but you also grieve for the life you had when they were alive. Just leave people alone to cope how they see fit. Sorry it doesn’t fit in with your idea with how people should grieve but it’s none of your business.

I can only assume the OP has never lost anyone that’s knocked the stuffing out of them

Of course you build your identity around grief.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Your grief is the only certainty you have about who you are now. If you're going to build a new identity it's all you have to start from.

Oh look, another Mumsnet thread about being performative.

Goody.

This is a bit of a cuntish post, isnt it.

Who are you to sit in judgment of others' grief. Count yourself lucky - you seem to have no idea of the pain of loss and grief.

It’s not a fashionable coat that you can parade around in or take it off whenever you feel like it though.

It’s a bone drenched forever a wound.

What?! Do you mean Abdul??