To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago when I was only 27 and 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. She was everything to me my absolute best friend and favourite company. It rocked my world losing her and I’ll never be the same again. I can’t imagine ever not crying about her daily or thinking of her multiple times.
I’ve never met someone who I think has ‘performative grief’

Along with grief there is also trauma. I lost my mum. I have changed forever. It’s left a hole in my life and I’m not fortunate to have any support or family around nor an emotionally available partner. I did everything myself with her affairs and I watched her in pain and suffering and when she died it was sudden in the end . Her actual death was traumatic, the months leading to it and clearing her house etc everything was traumatic. Until you experienced or see your loved one gone like that, you’ll never understand grief.

Yabu, death hurts so much. I lost a friend overnight to a brain tumour three years ago. The same age as me. It knocked me for sixth and I still miss her. The fact she was the same age and the person we both turned to to discuss the good and bad on life was probably why it took me over a year to accept her death. Maybe selfish as I missed her opinion on life so much. It's another Christmas coming up and her kind family gifted me her wood advert calendar which has helped as I think of her when I put the pieces out each year. I think what you saying is rubbish op and upsetting to anyone who sadly has lost someone.

I actually don’t think you’re entirely wrong OP. Mainly about people grieving those they didn’t know, like when the queen died. Omg. My social media was awash with the most attention seeking grief vampires. “Sobbing” “broken” “she was my queen!” Etc. my entire household were taking the piss

As for those who grieve for people they actually know, I can only think of one example. At a family funeral of my ex’s side an aunt and some cousins of his, “collapsing, screaming (not crying, actual screaming) tearing at their clothes and refusing to get up at the end of the service. They held up other funerals for about 30 minutes and only stopped when someone suggested calling an ambulance out of pure desperation to make them fuck off. They got up and were fine after they’d done their piece. Eyes were dry, went and partied at the wake. Was never mentioned again. They’d done it at least a couple of times before at other funerals.

Am so sorry for your loss 💐

My son’s friend died earlier this year- he was an only child and the pain of the parents is so all consuming. It’s hard to know how to support them.

I think op is talking about prolonged grief disorder, which is definitely a thing, when twenty years down the line people’s entire identity is a grief response that began thirty years ago when a husband or parent dies. Grief is awful but it’s also healthy to process it over time.

I think most responses so far are unfair to you, OP. You didn't diminish real grief or its impact, but every response I've read so far has accused you of that. I don't know why but people enjoy having someone to be angry at.

For what it is worth, I know what you mean.

I too am a bereaved Mum, and agree with everything you’ve said. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I think what you’re saying is some people build a whole identify as the grieving (relative? Friend etc) and seem to enjoy the attention it brings, so almost don’t want that to stop. I think this will be a particular kind of person though, and these people will behave in this way over anything that brings attention. For example, i’m in some health groups and there’s a small number who build their entire identity around being sick, and i’m not sure what they’d do if they got better. It’s this kind of person that i’m sure you are referring to.

Just because it’s intertwined with identity as well as loss it doesn’t make it a performance.

OP you should read this book.

I think that I understand what you mean. I have an extremely emotionally immature relative that seems quite in love with her most traumatic life experiences, some of those include deep loss. I have witnessed her almost revelling in the losses of other people. I think it’s a deep seated incapability of dealing with her own feelings and it comes across as something she enjoys. I suspect the reality of it is very different.

Exactly. There will never be a time I'm over it. But what I was saying is that delayed grief is a thing. I worry I will experience that, having put a lot on hold to support my children with the loss of a sibling.

Has anyone you love ever died?
Grief is real! And tales a very long time to get over. Actually I don't think you ever get over it, it changes you permanently.
It's not enjoyable in any way

Mine was a lot older than a baby and the loss has had profound effects on the siblings unfortunately. And I don't stand around wailing either. Not my style. Your children will eventually feel the loss in some way though, even though they never knew them. That might be precisely what they feel - the loss of ever knowing them.

I'm not going to judge anyone's grief. While in hospital with my child I befriended a mother going through the same journey with her same aged child. Our children died a couple of months apart. I was able to get on with life in my way, she ended up on the psychiatric ward. We all handle things differently.

There is never ever a time when you will be “over it”.

I think of grief like a physical wound. At first it’s raw and agonisingly painful and you don’t think you’ll get through it and that it might genuinely kill you.

Slowly, a scab forms and then a song comes on the radio or you see something which reminds you of them and the scab gets ripped off and it’s a fresh wound all over again.

With time, the skin forms a scar. It’s not as raw as it used to be but you are changed and you will never be the same person again because you can see and feel the scar and it’s a constant reminder. You have to then learn to live with the scar.

My baby died almost 13 years ago and I don't stand around wailing about him and encouraging children who have never met him to wail about him either 🤷‍♀️

Where did it say he was young 🤔

I think generally not when people were geniunely close to the deceased - it does a feel a bit off when you see people, especially online, making a huge show of grief about someone they don't seem to have any reason to have been that close to. Certainly seen some stories on MN of some people encountering others using second-hand grief for someone they have no apparent reason to be mourning so hard in an attention seeking way.

Yes. I agree and i know grief well.

That's true. My point is though that if there is a loving god who has the power to prevent unjust suffering and doesn't, do they care? I don't think so. I've seen too much.

@sunkissedandwarm sorry to read your post

maybe it’s the old adage that if only good things happened to those who had faith and bad things happened to those who didn’t, EVERYONE would believe in God

I was 22 when my son died, and 52 when my Dad died. Both times absolutely floored me - the sort of pain where you can't eat, can't sleep, can't function but somehow life has to go on. And slowly but surely you find a way to live around it.

I'd love to know how that was self centred

I joined a support group for bereaved parents. In real life, not online. I only lasted three meetings. I know some people find it hugely helpful. I didn't find the painfest helpful to me. That's just a reflection on anyone else but how I prefer to handle things though.

One of my concerns is that I've been so busy making sure my other children are okay, that my own grief may not have been fully processed. So if it suddenly hits me in five years when a considerable amount of time has passed - it's because I finally have space to process what has been on hold. I don't think that's all that uncommon and it's a known thing. If anyone says, "She should be over it by now," it could be that I'm only just beginning to process what I couldn't before.