To think grief is sometimes self-centred, more about identity than loss?

That is such BS (the diagnosis, not you). When my child died you really think profound grief lasting beyond a year is abnormal (because that's the definition)? It's not. It would be abnormal to not still be very lost in grief after the one year mark. In fact, pretty much every bereaved parent I known (a lot since I had my own loss that made me meet lots) found the second year harder. If you think there's something wrong with that, you lose a child and see how you're feeling after a year.

Someone could also suffer delayed grief which means their grieving process could start years later, so that it's fresh at that time for the first time. With that kind of loss, severe effects can last forever. We just get better at hiding it from those who haven't been there (and who, if they're lucky, never will be).

I was expressing how what OP has said (which I didn't think was about people pretending they missed the Queen or posting on social media, but about people taking "normal grief" too far) struck me. But it's ok for you and I to read it differently.

Quite honestly I would just be the same as you always have with them. The beginning everyone is out wanting to support, wanting to know all the details and go to the funeral. But most of them don't check in after. People swerve you when they see you because they don't know what to say. Make a note of the firsts, all those dates that would have been celebrated and remember the anniversaries and check in. Little things like that mean a lot.

We're weird about grief in the UK I think. I prefer it if people act as normally with me as possible. But I know im safe around them, if I'm feeling wobbly.

Solidarity to all in the shitty club.

At the risk of being accused of being performative or engaging in bereavement top Trumps, I would like to share that since 2020 I have lost my Mum, my DP, several friends, and this year I've lost my Dad, my MIL, my Uncle and three friends within three months of each other.

My DP was well known in our community, so my grief was "shared" so much by others that I almost felt embarrassed to be upset myself. He "belonged" to so many people you see. Which I was told to my face by someone who had been close to him for a long time. We'd only been together 11 years, so of course I had to defer to those who'd known him longer. (Sarcasm btw).

Society gives us the identity of grief on top of the profound actual rearrangement of our being, because it's not just the actual loss, it's secondary losses, home, income etc et that all change everything, plus the labels - you're "the widow" and gere are a list of tropes and expectations that go along with that which only reflect what people think you should be doing, not how you actually are.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here tbh.

Probably a more polite version of "ODFOD" to anyone who hasn't been through it to whatever degree and doesn't get or care that every situation is unique and personal. It's almost pointless even talking about it I think.

I've come across as much performative stoicism as I have performative grief. Ultimately what we think or feel about how someone else is dealing with their lot in life won't change their inner turmoil or landscape, it might just isolate them and prevent them from seeking any kind of support, living half lives to appease others sensibilities and avoid judgement and useless advice.

Ultimately it's exhausting. But never mind eh? Chin up.

Hugs and presence and patience. That works a bit.

There is actually a name for it - prolonged grief disorder. Grief is a natural, healthy response, but its not considered typical for severe effects to persist for years.

OP, posting about grief and loss was always going to make people think you were writing about a dear loved one, not the pet hamster.

I think a good example of what you mean is Queen Victoria, who made her whole life about grief and mourning after Prince Albert died.

I don't think grief is performance. Loss and grief is shattering. It changes you, sometimes forever.

I was quite young when I lost my dad , I was also pregnant with my 2nd child .
To a degree I feel I suppressed my grief as didn't want my baby to feel that grief or a change in me ( probably unfounded , but you never know )
My mum died many years later , and as an only child , I felt that loss because you dont really have anyone who feels that loss as deeply as you .

I know what you mean OP.

I know someone who lost her husband when their son was about 12. A devastating loss for both of them. The son is now nearly 30 and she will not let him move on with his life. He now has a partner, but she sabotages any significant life event by having a sort of mini “breakdown”. Whenever things don’t go her way she begins wearing nothing but black, and uses “I’m a widow” as a way to manipulate the son into doing whatever she wants. When he first wanted to move in with his partner, she began saying her life wasn’t worth living as a widow who her son had now abandoned. Every holiday or trip he takes, she cries and says how upset she is because “Paris is a place your father always wanted to visit and I wanted to be the one to take you”. Every single time. She calls him almost daily to visit the house to do things like change a lightbulb, because she’s a widow. She’s asked him not to have children because she won’t be able to cope with being a widowed grandparent without her husband to share the experience with.

No one is denying she’s had a very traumatic loss. But being a widow truly has become her identity, and she’s very manipulative when she feels the attention slipping from her. Perhaps her behaviour is rooted in genuine grief, but she is able to function quite well when things are going her way…

I agree this sort of behaviour is rare. But I don’t think OP was downplaying grief as such, but more referring to the sort of behaviour I’ve described.

If you lose someone you love, the loss of an identity is a big part of grieving. If you’re the mum to an only child or you lose a partner and they die, suddenly you’re no longer a ‘mum’ or ‘a wife’ - that’s a massive loss in addition to the heartache of what you’re already going through.

Of course there’s always going to be some people who build their identity around the bad things that happen to them but I think they’re in the minority. For those who’ve experienced a life-altering loss, they’d happily do anything to just have a day of peace away from the unrelenting pain. You’d be hard pressed to find many who enjoy living in that pain.

Perhaps you’re seeing social media posts from grieving people and judging that as ‘performative’? If a person is choosing to share their feelings on social media posts, that’s not performative, that’s often part of their processing. And processing a tragic loss can take a very long time.

For a couple of years after my mum died suddenly, I processed my feelings on a blog and shared the links on social media. For me, writing has always been really cathartic and no one was compelled to read it. It certainly wasn’t performative or ‘for likes’, it was my way of making sense of something that had upended my life.

As my heart began to stitch itself back together, I found less need to blog. I’m glad those who know me best stuck by my side throughout that time.

I feel my grief is very private - I don't understand the performative aspect - no one can help me, no one can cure me, no one can reach the emptiness and longing. Occasionally people catch me in a moment for sadness - I wish they hadn't, there's nothing they can say - nothing fixes it, nothing makes me feel better. Maybe hug - but words are meaningless and by the same token there's no point in me trying to explain how I feel or worse still, trying to justify how I feel. Time, it helps to dull the pain it, but it's slow.

27 is quite young to lose a parent.

I had a colleague who lost her had when she was in her late 30s and he his 60s, so a bit premature. Very sad of course but when I started working with her I was under the impression it was very recent - she talked about him at least daily, most topics lead back to his death, she told me she wasn’t having a Christmas tree that year because it was too sad without him & that she would be requesting annual leave over the Xmas period to grieve him (he died Xmas eve) which she hoped wouldn’t be competed with as she needs the time off as she’s an emotional wreck. Turns out he’d died 7 years previously. I know it’s not for me to judge etc but while not ‘performative’ I felt she was almost scared of moving on.

" It rocked my world losing her and I’ll never be the same again. I can’t imagine ever not crying about her daily or thinking of her multiple times."

Do you really cry daily after 6 years? I suppose i can't imagine having enough time to dwell on these sorts of feelings to the extent I'm brought to tears. I'm so busy at work, dealing with children, doing jobs etc, by the time my head hits the pillow I crash.

I know what you mean op. I have a friend who's mum passed relatively prematurely - she was in her mid thirties and her mum was about 60, so not old.
It was 12 years ago, and she posts on social media regularly about her grief/loss. E.g. "love mini eggs, they were always mums favourite, miss her so much at Easter" or "went to x garden centre today, had to buy a bunch of lilies for mum #gonebutnotforgotten", or "they played oasis on the radio, made me cry thinking of mum"

I feel awful for her losing her mum but its every single post, it feels performative

I can only think of one person I’ve met for whom this seems true.

I had the same relationship with my mum. She was my best friend and life has never been the same.

Who are you to say what is "genuine grief" or "deep and tragic bereavement"?

I think feeling sad is addictive. I am currently (as in right this moment) extremely depressed. I’ve been working on depression for about 6 months. And things had improved until the last week or so. I know that I’m the only one that can lift myself out of it but it is so easy to sit here hating myself. There is a certain deliciousness to beating yourself up. Is that what you mean?

(it’s obviously far far more complicated than this)

I don’t think they mean that at all.

Do you think 100% of grief - for the Queen, for celebrities, or for people we know IRL - is genuine and sincere? I don’t, because there is always a small fringe of human behaviour which is narcissistic or uses things for gain.

Everyone clamours on social media to make out they knew a deceased person even when their family knows they weren’t friends or hadn’t been in touch for years. Is that genuine grief?

Thinking of all of you who have shared your grief on this post - I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say.

This does read to me a bit more like "it's annoying when people who I think should be over their loss or shouldn't have been this affected by it in the first place carry on not being over it and won't pretend otherwise"

I lost my adult son two weeks ago and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this most painful part of my life, I don’t know if I’ll ever get through it.

I’m NC with both parents (aggressive alcoholic and mum let her new partner turn my life into domestic abuse hell for years until finally it went through the criminal court system. They’re back together now), but I guess I always assumed that having a parent die at 80+ is of course very sad but an element of you would accept it much better than had they been younger. I was very close with my grandparents and very sad when they died but I also felt relief that they wouldn’t be suffering any more, plus gratitude they’d lived a long a mostly happy life.