Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

I can’t comment on what it would be like to have multiple children as I only have the one — I imagine it’s more complicated putting multiple children to bed either way. But the point is she sleeps great overall, it works for us as a family, she’s not sleep deprived, and I have no regrets.

I guess you only have one child and are there every night. Bit of a rod for your own back.

I don’t think lying with children until they go to sleep is the best idea. Imagine if you had 3 kids….and worked late or needed to go away.
Each to their own though.

Adults: I need window open, white noise, no screens after 6, no caffeine after 2, eye mask, podcast, husband cuddling me to sleep well.

society: fine I guess

children: I need the person I love most in the world to lie beside me for 15 minutes while I fall asleep

society: RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. ROD FOR YOUR OWN BACK. YOU NEED TO TRAIN THAT OUT OF THEM

If you don't want to sleep train then don't. It's your life.

Personally, I managed to get both my kids sleeping through the night from ~6 months. Sleeping training was amazing for my and my children's wellbeing.

I know people with 3+ year olds dealing with night wakes. If they're happy and can handle it, then more power to them. Not for me though.

Of course I have no problem with it. If you would, why? I’m in there reading her a book anyway, it literally takes a few minutes and she’s very sweet and cute as she falls asleep.

That's fine if only one child. Doesn't work so well if you have 3 of them. Or takes ages and your evening ruined constantly

If you don’t have a problem with it then that’s fine. But I’m guessing she can’t fall asleep without someone actually lying with her. Lots of parents wouldn’t really want to go down that route.

This, I think a lot of people think sleep training is just let them cry it out.

Our DC was a terrible sleeper, never all the way through and was an early riser at 5am most mornings (still is), so we just helped him settle, pat him, stay with him until he was quiet, the leave, he would maybe shout for us about 5 mins later, repeat repeat repeat. He was never left to cry, but it worked and we were able to then put him down and if he woke in the night he would either soothe himself or go back with a little pat. It took about a solid week of consistency.

I would assume some of your friends may think of a more gentle approach. It depends on your family, we were both working full time and could not function anymore on such little sleep, it wasn’t good for anyone.

Whoever else is looking after her lies next to her? Why do you imagine this to be such a problem?

We read one book, then she falls asleep. Altogether it normally takes less than 15 minutes. It’s actually one of my favourite times of the day.

Right. You have to lie next to your 4 year old so she can go to sleep? Not really something to aspire to.

What happens if you can’t lie next to her?

But the rules change all the bloody time. In 20 years people will be saying " oh you shouldn't be letting a baby sleep in a cot because so and so"

When my brother was born parents were told to put them to sleep on their front, when I had DD1 a decade later it was on the side, By time I had DS it's on the back.

I'm sure it will change agin

@DarkPassenger1 “But it's a hell of a gamble to take. If you end up with a 5yr old, 8yr old that is waking throughout the night unable to fall asleep by themselves, or a teenager that struggles to get to sleep, you will look back and wish you'd done it when they were a baby.”

If you are happy with what you did that’s great but this is just not true.

There’s absolutely no good evidence that sleep training as a baby has a positive impact on sleep in later childhood or the teenage years. The characteristics of the child and the home environment/bed time routine in those later years are what impact a child or teenager’s sleep. Children and teens who are neurodiverse are more likely to have sleep difficulties. Children and teens in homes that lack structure (eg when parents allow them to stay up all night on a screen) are more likely to have sleep problems. It’s nothing to do with whether they were sleep trained as babies.

My daughter is 4. I lie next to her every night at bedtime and she falls asleep within 10 minutes. She sleeps through the night in her own bed. We never sleep trained. I’m glad I had access to factual information and studies about biologically normal infant sleep when she was a baby as there is so much false information spewed on the internet.

It’s not sleep deprivation if they are getting the amount of sleep that they need overall. If for some reason they are not able to sleep in the night they will make it up by sleeping more the next night or during their naps in the days. Obviously this can leave to sleep deprivation for the parent, which is a genuine concern. For us personally co-sleeping solved this problem.

... I'm not sure what your point is. Babies die the world over from bedsharing. And the practice being common doesn't undo the evidence that even when people bedshare as safely as possible, it's still more dangerous than following safe sleep practices.

Sorry but this is as silly as saying 'half the world don't use seatbelts' as a way of trying to suggest it's okay not to use them here too. We know better. We can do better. Babies deserve that.

It's not smugness, I literally said I'm sure mine were naturally good sleepers. You got a rubbish one - not your fault. My point simply was that following the routines works for lots of people because they're based on what works for the average baby and doing nothing and hoping for the best is unlikely to result in an excellent sleeper. I put a huge amount of effort into making sure mine slept because I couldn't be a good mother without sleep. The people who function for years on end with broken nights of sleep are a wonder to me - I would be broken by it, so gentle sleep training was top of my newborn to do list.

Most of the world co sleep

tbf bringing baby into bed can literally kill them, so as a parent I'd much rather regret not having bedshared than regret having done it. You did great.

I also did all of that. Other than brief stints here and there, he continued to wake every 2-3 hours until 14 months. I persevered with routine, and his cot, all my days were always centered around his naps being in his cot etc. I never gave in and brought him to my bed at 3am either. I did everything the books say to do. Routine was key.

I regret listening to smug people like you who think their babies sleeping through the night is their own personal achievement.

I should have brought the baby into bed with me like my own mum told me to, it will be my one of my life's biggest regret.

YABU. You don't HAVE to, of course you don't, but it isn't just about you and what you want tbh. If your 11m old is such a terrible sleeper it's unfair to them to keep things like this, when there is the possibility that they will continue to be a terrible sleeper as they get older. They might start sleeping better, sure. But if there's an option to support them to get better sleep now, while they're so little and their brains are constantly learning new things and forming pathways, why wouldn't you?

I find a lot of the reluctance to sleep train comes from a place of selfishness from the parent as it takes work and it's easier in some ways to just kick the can down the road and hope things magically improve as time goes on. But it's a hell of a gamble to take. If you end up with a 5yr old, 8yr old that is waking throughout the night unable to fall asleep by themselves, or a teenager that struggles to get to sleep, you will look back and wish you'd done it when they were a baby.

Do what you think is best for your child by all means but just be aware it comes with risks that will impact not just you. Sleep is incredibly important for babies, toddlers and children, it impacts their ability to learn, manage and regulate their emotions, and their behaviour and mood. Supporting your child to learn how to fall asleep at bedtime and when they wake in the night is one of the most loving and kind things you can do for them and will pay dividends throughout their lifetime.

As parents people will give you all sorts of advice all the time you can choose to consider or ignore, best to get used to it!

You can see clearly in my post that I said ‘a baby that wakes up and cries’ not a ‘baby that wakes up a few times and goes back to sleep’.

If the baby is waking and going back to sleep quickly with no crying then no that’s not sleep deprivation. I never said it was. We all wake in the night many times, we have learnt to go back to sleep and we barely register it.

The issues happen if babies are waking multiple times and crying and then not going back to sleep for some time. That is sleep deprivation however you want to dress it up.

If the OP’s baby was waking and going straight back to sleep with no fuss then I don’t think she would have posted on here.

Co-sleeping instead of sleep training is a valid choice if that works for you.

Sleep deprivation is not the same thing as a child waking naturally in the night. With the exception of some babies with medical issues that impact their sleep (eg sleep apnoea), they will naturally sleep for as long as they need. It is normal for babies to wake in the night. This does not mean they aren’t getting enough sleep overall.

I never sleep trained and my child experienced no elevated levels of cortisol or crying because she slept in my bed!

My child is now 4 and she sleeps great. She’s definitely not tired during the day and at 4AM we’re all sleeping soundly. If your friends have wakeful children it’s not because they didn’t sleep train. All children are different.

If you are happy with what you did that’s great but there’s no need to spread misinformation.

I didn't any of mine to walk with yet DD2 never crawled and was walking before hitting 8 months

If you have such conviction that sleep training is tantamount to abuse, I can’t see why you feel incredibly judged for not doing it. Pick a side.

OP- You say you’ve done a lot of research- have you done that research in the impact of sleep deprivation in both babies/children and adults?

Like I said, it took us 3 nights. We did not do CIO I popped back and reassured. So a very short time of crying. Then a baby that slept through from then and was a very good sleeper. So total crying time and cortisol a lot less than a baby you don’t sleep train and wakes up and cries multiple times a night every night for years.

Then you have a 4 year old that doesn’t know how to sleep alone, or settle. They’re tired at school. You’re up at 4 am every day. It’s exhausting- I’ve seen it happen with friends. Versus a few nights of sleep training…by all means don’t do the training but don’t underestimate or downplay how important good, deep, long sleep is for everyone. Not broken sleep…..