Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

Have confidence in your own instincts and your own decision. When people start advising take a deep breath, smile and say ‘thank you for your advice’ and then ignore it. Don’t encourage the conversation and don’t justify your decision- you don’t need to!

Of course it’s not cruel. I suppose you think that sleep training involves leaving your baby for hours to cry themselves to sleep. It doesn’t, and hasn’t for many many years.

Suggesting or advising you to sleep train isn’t judging you, is it?

You do not.

i didn't train mine. They're brilliant sleepers now. Don't be bullied.

sleep training is cruel and unnecessary. Babies want their mothers near and if you give them that and co sleep they will sleep beautifully.

I ummed and ahhed about sleep training for the same reason as you but after 8 particularly terrible weeks I went for it. It took ONE NIGHT. One night where he cried for an hour (we went in periodically) then went to sleep. The next night he cried for 10 minutes. Almost every night since then, he just lies down and goes to sleep. And most nights that’s it for 12 hours, we don hear him again.

Also, before we sleep trained, he used to cry at bedtime. Either when we were cuddling him trying to get him to sleep, or when we tried to put him in his cot. Or multiple times overnight when he woke up. So not much difference in terms of crying really, and long term he cries far less than he did before.

Sorry. I’m doing exactly what you moaned about people doing 😂😂 I’m not telling you you have to, or you should. Just saying it may not be as bad as you expect. Also, as above, the effect of poor sleep for everyone (you, your husband, your baby) for months/years isn’t great either.

Well, if there is insufficient evidence, you can't just decide for yourself that there is, that isn't how it works. That said, you don't have to sleep train if it isn't for you. People will always wade in with their opinions or what you should or shouldn't do with your children, you just have to let it wash over you and be confident you're doing the right thing for your family. My eldest was a terrible sleeper and we didn't sleep train him. It was really tough but it wasn't for us either, and I had friends telling me to leave him to cry but I just didn't want to. He's now 3 and has slept 12 hours a night since 18 months. So it does end and they sleep eventually.

Research on sleep patterns in adults show how detrimental it is to have disturbed, irregular sleep. This could be applied to sleep patterns in children.
I really don’t understand the logic behind being against helping a child have a healthy sleep pattern where they’re able to self soothe that might take a week or so to achieve vs years of disrupted sleep for both the child and the adults. There really is nothing worse than a child who isn’t getting enough quality sleep. Babies cry for all sorts of reasons - it is their way of communicating. It doesn’t mean they’re always sad / angry / in pain. When a child learns how to self soothe, the parent has taught them an important life-long skill.

Yep

One of ours was a terrible sleeper I look back at how run down and exhausted we all were. It is no way to live.
Choose a method and stick to it, persistence and consistency is the key.

Have you read all the other research about growth and brain development and how it's better in kids who sleep properly? Spikes in cortisol are going to happen through your kids life - it's a necessary hormone, not the devil.

You don't have to cry it out but you also don't have to surrender. Mine slept through the night easily by watching wake windows and gently encouraging the cot from day one. Sleep deprivation is awful for everyone.

Sleep is so important for everyone.

It took us about 3 days of sleep training and then we had good sleepers from then. Surely that’s better than babies who constantly wake unsettled and crying? Surely overall cortisol is higher those babies??

Friends that didn’t sleep train had kids that didn’t sleep for years! How is the at healthy for anyone?

This.

I voted YABU but only because I think you're being dramatic.

You don't HAVE to sleep train your baby, as you know.

If your friends told you, you HAVE to hop on one foot, I'm sure you wouldn't do that either.

If you feel 'judged' it's because you either have very strange friends or you don't have confidence in your own parenting decisions.

If your kid wasn't toilet trained by age 5 or similar folk would probably give tips on that too if you asked.

My DC are in their late teens. They weren't sleep trained and are doing just fine. I was miserable with exhaustion for years, but I don't regret not pushing harder to trading them - I nudged their sleep as much as I was comfortable with, but anything more would have made us all miserable, and I feel that I gained a lot of confidence and mutual trust by taking the path I did.

I think sleep training is one of the best things you can do when it suits the parent and child, and a huge source of misery when it doesn't.

And do you work, either of you? You’re not getting a good night’s sleep 50% of the time at least, probably more as presumably you both wake when the baby cries. That’s not good over time.

Do some research on your long term health with long term lack of sleep.

How's the topic of how he's sleeping coming up? If you're moaning about getting no sleep, it's not surprising they're offering suggestions. If they're just making conversation, just tell them his sleeping is fine?

I’d guess they see you tired and think they can help. They’re just trying to help

Who is telling you this? No one has ever told me I should sleep train my babies!

It depends what you consider sleep training to be I suppose. I previously considered that sleep training was cry it out, Ferber etc but then was informed that it’s just the process of a baby learning to self soothe and sleep independently 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, when people encourage you to sleep train, they might not be suggesting that you stop responding to your crying baby. They might just be suggesting that you have soothing & consistent bed time routine, create sleep associations (patting/white noise etc). If you are already doing these things then arguably you are already sleep training.

I do think that some parents feel the need to justify their own decision to sleep train by convincing others to do the same. Some of the reason for this though is the rather superior and judgy attitude from those who won’t try it - as if they simply love their babies more!

I sleep trained my twins because otherwise I think I would have expired from exhaustion. With DC3 I was a lot more able to accommodate him because we could co-sleep comfortably. They have all turned out fine!

You should ignore the “helpful advice” from others if you want but try and not let feelings of superiority show. Parenting is one very long guilt trip whatever you do.

Sleep is important for everyone's health and wellbeing. There is plenty of research that states poor sleep affects quality of life.

Some kids learn to settle independently, so even don't. Like everything to do with development parents have to help.

If by 11months old they are unable to self soothe and sleep through independently then sadly as a parent you need to assist. Plenty of advice available on how to do it.