Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

it's up to you what you want to do but don't complain either
brother in law and his wife stayed last weekend their youngest is 11 ( will be in secondary school next year - Ireland) he can't go to sleep with out his mammy lieing beside him every night. she has turned down nights out can't do sleepovers and often gets into her bed with her for the night. she hasn't had a proper night's sleep for years and it's had a huge affect on everything. sleep is so important to function every day

At 4 months a baby that is correctly sleep-trained will sleep through the night. So people may wonder why choose to disrupt sleep unnecessarily for another 7 months and many more to come.

It takes three nights to sleep train at four months old.

There is a middle ground.

We did do some sleep training recently (15 months) as my son turned into a boob monster wanting to breastfeed every 2 hours. So for a few nights, when he cried, i sent my DH in to comfort him and give him water. He cried quite hard but by night no.3 he must have decided waking for DH and some water wasn't worth it so he sleeps much better now. Still needs a cuddle around 5am.

Some routine and training does become important, in my experience. Better for them to sleep through as well.

I also don't go in straight away. Sometimes he cries for 10 seconds as he rolls over. If I ran in, I'd actually wake him.

Although I would never just close the door and leave him actually crying in the night. That's awful.

If you don't want to sleep train then don't.

If you moan about lack of sleep, baby waking etc then of course people are going to offer suggestions and try to help.

I voted YABU but only because you sound insufferable and smug. Obviously no one needs to sleep train if they don’t want to and I doubt anyone is saying that you must.

Minutes. It’s not “leave them to cry themselves to sleep”. Perhaps that’s what the OP thinks.

OP - I think you are spot on -
cortisol matters
I did the same as you -
and would not do it any different now
ignore evangelical sleep trainers -
you do you 👍

Instead of what's now known as sleep training, see it as helping your baby to sleep well, and you too. Decide where the night time sleeping place will be, make it appealing, safe and cosy ( cot, your bed , wherever). Low lights and voices an hour before you decide bedtime will be. No play just bath, books, cuddles. Put baby in his bed, giving confident and positive vibes and soothing words. Stay, stroking hair, gentle massage and being quiet until baby falls asleep. May take 2 hours but will reduce over time. When baby wakes, comfort immediately but quietly, no lights on, minimal sounds, Rinse and repeat. Is that sleep training in the modern sense? 30 years ago it's what everyone I knew did. You taught baby how to sleep. Leaving baby to cry is just cruel.

How long do you leave them to cry for nowadays then?

No you don’t have to sleep train and I absolutely didnt and wouldnt have. I don’t believe in training a baby. My first was an awful sleeper but sleeps like a champ now.

People want an easy life and solution don’t listen to them and do what is best for you.

You don't. I didn't with my 3. Leaving them to cry is cruel no matter how folk try to dress it up. It all works out eventually

Sorry if I'm missing something but why do you wake them for a wee?! At 5?!

This!

First post nailed it!

But if course you dont have to. I thought i might do it for my kids, but never quite got round to it - is kept waiting for a quiet moment where they weren't ill/teething/i had a quiet time at work...... time just slipped by and I never bothered! Eldest slept very happily through the night in her own room age 2.5 (with often a middle of the night wee until 3). One of my boys was a bit more prone to waking until 3.5, but always resettled quickly, and the other is toooo deep a sleeper (he's 5, and will merrily sleep through everything, so i have to set an alarm to take him for a wee at around 1am).

They all sleep independently eventually. I have no doubt you could probably train them to do it a bit earlier if you want/need. But youre not going to be getting up in the night with an older child no matter what you do, bar the odd illness/nightmare. I merrily fed to sleep and coslept.

(Having said that I had an AWFUL night with the toddler last night as she has a cold. But that's not typical!!!)

When people ask you about Baby’s sleep, they are just making conversation, they are not deeply interested.

If your answer is “sleeping fine thanks” the conversation ends

If your answer is “not sleeping through, and wakes every couple of hours” people will give you tips

Quality sleep is important, at all ages, whatever time it comes at. Routine will be more important at Work / Nursery / School times.

I think whether you decide to sleep train or not, decide to co sleep or not, decide to breastfeed or not etc etc you will always have unsolicited advice on how you could do it better.

You just have to nod and smile and say yes, thanks, I’ll try that.

It doesn’t change. There will always be something that people think you should be doing better with your kids. Soon it’ll be extra-curricular clubs, tutoring, sport, curfews, screentime. The unwanted, unsolicited advice and judgement never ends!

Do what's right for you and just smile and nod at everyone else

That’s quite an unpleasant post. What the hell does “align with my values” mean? And feeling smug about your struggling SIL is just nasty.

I didn’t sleep train my children in the sense of letting them cry it out, but I did have a routine from their first day home. Gina Ford was all the range at the time and while I didn’t follow her strict daytime routines she did have a lot of sensible advice and I was pretty strict at night. Eventually the babies ‘got it’ and by three months (my son by a few weeks) they went down well and I would wake them for a sleepy feed before I went to bed then they would wake one more time before morning. By four/five months after the late night feed they slept through and not long after slept through from 7.30om til morning. It required consistency. I NEVER let my children cry. I waited a minute or two to see if they would resettle and if not I’d go in and calmly settle them, without turning on the light or lifting them if possible. I can count on one hand the times I had repeated wakings, and it was usually due to an earache or feeling poorly.
I saw a few of my friends who followed baby led schedules and they were by and large frazzled and couldn’t commit to an evening out. And their babies weren’t any happier either! I knew my babies were getting a proper nights sleep, as did me and my husband. Was I lucky? Hmm. Most of my friends who did the same as me had similar experiences.
But do what you want! If you were my friend I’d respect how you want to raise your children. But if you came to me exhausted I’d say: routine routine routine.

I didn’t, contact napped and co slept BUT you can’t then moan to others that you can’t put them down, have no time etc. I was happy with my decision, only little for a short time but as my mum reminded me, my rod, my back!

Of course you don’t have to sleep train him. If you are happy as you are then carry on.
What always annoys me is people who moan endlessly about their child’s poor sleep and how exhausted they are but who are not prepared to try anything to change it.
Some children will never sleep well or be able to manage sleep training. But if you don’t even try it then no complaints allowed. You make your choices and live with them.
Those parents who have genuinely tried it all and are perhaps dealing with a medical issue or Sen have my full sympathy.

If you don't want opinions on sleep, don't complain about sleep.
I didn't sleep train for the reasons you mentioned, but I coslept and breastfed on demand for 18m so I wasn't exhausted.
Being up half the night isn't good for any of you.

I experienced the same with my 1st child. We co-slept, nursed to sleep and contact napped. I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of sleep training, it just didn't align with my values. Of course the wake ups were a struggle and everyone with a voice would tell me I just need to sleep train. However, we never did. Aged 18 months he just started sleeping through the night randomly and has ever since. My SIL was always very smug about her sleep trained daughter who was the same age as my son. Now we are both on our 2nd children, my daughter again co-sleeps, nurses and contact naps. It's tough but second time round I'm confident it won't be forever. Her 2nd won't be sleep trained so SIL is struggling and her 1st now wakes in the night, whilst my 1st still sleeps soundly for 11 hours. We've spoken about sleep and it's funny because she now knows it wasn't her fantastic parenting but she just had an easier child who was receptive to sleep training. I do sit there feeling quite smug

Yes all this. I do think good sleep is really important to young children. And everyone else 😂

You do you.

I sleep trained one of mine years ago to save my own sanity. All sorted within a few nights and no ill effects.

I know people who didn’t, and ended up with their child sharing their bed for years because they never got used to sleeping alone - that in itself had knock on effects on their social life/marriage.