Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

They might not do formal sleep training as we would understand it but I doubt they jump out of bed every time their toddler makes a noise for fear they will develop lifelong depression either.

You are probably unconsciously telling people too much info. People only give you advice when you ask for it or are complaining about something. My mil wrecks my head about weaning, now I dont mention it at all and there's nothing she can bring up. If she tries, I shut down the conversation by saying. Oh yeah baby is doing great......and change the subject

You must be telling people he doesn’t sleep, otherwise they wouldn’t say anything. Perhaps they think you are asking. Perhaps they just feel they should say something more helpful than “poor you”. Perhaps the three of you are coming across as crankier than you realise. Perhaps what you see as “sensitive” is perceived by other people as “knackered”.

Our experience only, recognising it doesn't apply for everyone -no sleep training, breast feeding to sleep (though we did night wean later where I would hold the baby when crying at night instead of my wife), lying down in the bed next to our daughter when she was trying to sleep or holding her to sleep, no limiting of daytime naps so night bedtime was as late as 10pm sometimes, all the things they say don't do but also all the things babies like. She went to nursery regularly so did have to get up at regular times in the morning. By age 3.5 when she dropped her nap,she was going to bed at 7.30 and sleeping 11 or 12 hours through the night and still does now at age 6.

I think people have a tendency to assume what worked for them works for others. And the idea that if you never sleep train, you are doomed to poor sleep habits well into teenage years is peddled by people who have a system to sell.

Op come back when they are 3/4 and have already bad sleeping habits and then see how you will regret it. Contact napping at 11m really is a bad habit. Do you not work or go out?

Haha. Ohh nooo. We had this. A friend spend THOUSANDS on a sleep school. I have to say, I'm probably the only one I know who hasn't sleep trained... it's NOT a one time fix!! They ended up having to do it many, many times!!

My 1st woke up a helluva lot.. and the first night he chose to sleep a FULL 12 hours was at 2.5, the exact night we brought baby number 2 back from the hospital - WTAF, couldn't belive we didn't even get 1 full night!!

Well, our second one is the same. I really hope he sleeps a 12 hour sooner!

Just ignore them, it's like everything kid- related, if it works for them, people sometimes think it would work for everyone and everyone else is crazy for not doing it!

I admired anyone that could be bothered to sleep train. We never did. We co-slept for the first year and I breastfed lying down. I just completely went with the flow and had no routines.

But by the age of one, they were in their own rooms and sleeping through from 7pm. Worked for us, wouldn’t be ideal for some. No one ever commented.

Unfortunately not everyone has the IQ to understand the concept of cortisol levels. They just think “ooh, baby’s stopped crying, great, sleep training has worked!”

I never left my babies to cry. They all learnt to sleep through when they were ready.

No, you were nasty. You are smug that your SIL is struggling. That is not the same as her being smug when her older child slept through as it doesn’t sound like you were struggling (values, yes?) and two wrongs don’t make a right anyway.

Similar reasons I comment on everything I see about it to beg them not to. They believe their way is correct and the other way is harmful.

Is there an element on both sides of a need to validate our own choice?
I know it's correct to respond to my baby and not leave them to cry. It's not right to leave anyone to cry.

I feel anger at the thought of it and I think people who do sleep train feel anger at the thought of sleeping with your baby. Maybe they truly believe it causes the baby harm. Maybe they feel guilty and frustrated knowing their baby cries for them and they can't go to them.

It wasn't meant to be unpleasant but whatever floats your boat.

It means exactly what is says on the tin, sleep training doesn't align with my values. My values being I believe in being responsive to my child even in the night time when I'd rather not be. And not only responsive, but responsive in what they want/need, if that's boob for comfort then so be it. I know that doesn't work for others and that's okay.

I absolutely feel smug when my SIL is talking about night wake ups. Although I love her dearly, she was rather smug when her child was sleeping through the night and mine was not. I have friends and family whose children do not sleep through the night and I don't feel the same sense of smugness. However, I always reassure my SIL things will get better and don't bang on about wake windows, white noise and blackout blinds being the holy grail to sleep, because funny enough I tried those and still do.

It feels like you want an argument. I did sleep training for one night, worked a treat. Would never force my opinion on anyone else. Even tho I have some good arguments for it. If your friends are doing that then you’ve got shit friends , but you seem to want to take it out on strangers on the internet

I have had similar with my two kids, neither of whom have been a good sleeper, along with other pushed opinions like to start formula/combi feeding and to start my kids in nursery from a young age. My opinion of it has always been that people do this to make themselves feel better about having made those choices themselves, even if that is subconsciously. When they see someone making sacrifices and putting their child’s best interests first I think it can be triggering that they didn’t make the same choice so they try to push you into doing what they did, even when you have made it clear that’s not what you want to do.

I don't know your child, I don't know you, I don't know your life therefore you don't owe me (or frankly anyone) an explanation. That applies to all the replies you’ll get on here. Obviously however the people you are frustrated with are people who do know your DC, you and your life but the same principle applies.

Yes every member of the household getting a good solid sleep is beneficial, nobody can argue the science against that, but how you all get that good solid sleep in your household is whatever works for you. If your DC is thriving and you and DH are getting enough sleep each by working as a team then crack on. I've never read any research so I can't and won't comment on that but what I will say is EVERY single DC burns their manual in the womb before they exit and even if you managed to find the holy grail of a manual it doesn't mean it relates to your DC so its useless! Your DC no matter how tiny or grown up is an individual and that starts from conception/birth (I'm not getting into a when life begins debate) so as the person/people (DH included) who know DC best all you can do is what works for you and DC.

That's a lot of waffle to basically say you do you, get yourself a stock phrase "we're doing what works for us but thank you" for example and just keep repeating as a way to shut down the conversation, not just about sleep but any "advice" you are given that you just fundamentally don't agree with.

People do this all the time. Mainly on MN.

I’ve not sleep trained mine. Always got plenty of sleep!

Well it's one of those trends, just like how you "have" to send your child to nursery when they're weeks old due to feminism or something, or "have" to do gentle parenting lest your child is traumatised. Just listen to your gut. It's very personal. And you do what you feel is right for your family.

Just as I wouldn’t judge someone for sleep training, I wouldn’t expect people to judge me for co sleeping.

The only thing that gets me down is when people say things like: ‘make the most of it’, ‘they’re only small for a short amount of time’ or ‘it all goes by so quickly’ shortly followed by: ‘when are you weaning/sleep training/putting in their own room/putting them in nursery/childminders?!’

Just feels hypocritical and a bit like they actually don’t really give a hoot about young children and new parents.

This. I'm also a bit fed up of people who don't want to sleep train (absolutely their choice!) characterising all sleep training as not responding to a crying baby. I sleep trained both of mine with gradual retreat and they never cried alone.

I'm also kind of sick of this "its a modern western invention" line. I cant imagine subsistence farmers were always on hand to soothe crying babies instantly.

Do what feels right for you, I’ve got 6 children and regret not always doing this with my older ones, no feeling guilty about carrying my baby all the time as a newborn or not sleep training with my youngest

I feel like with not sleeping training, extended breastfeeding etc a lot of women have exhausted themselves and so want a ‘moment in the sun’ to reassure themselves it was all worth it and get the credit they feel they’re rightly owed but that doesn’t manifest IRL. So they start a thread saying they’re being criticised, in the hope everyone will tell them how wonderful they are.

I did extended bfing before anyone starts

Are you saying this to them?? I sleep trained and if someone suggested I’d harmed my children in the process I’d be very irritated. The choice is absolutely yours to make but don’t project that choice on to others - if people say it to you just say no. Or just stop talking about sleep. Easy to move the conversation on!

FWIW my kids are very happy little geniuses too

You don't have to sleep train. But if you don't you may end up sharing a bed with an 8 year old...and deciding that they will be an only child because you can't ever feel that sleep deprived again. Speaking from experience...

I seriously doubt anyone has told OP she MUST sleep train. I suspect this is a thinly veiled brag thread about ‘look how well I tend to my baby’s needs even though I’m just so exhausted, I’m supermum’. And to whip up a bit of outrage about sleep training to reassure herself she’s a fantastic mum who would NEVER do that.