Why do I have to sleep train my baby?!

After my wife left me for OW, DD (then 4 - had previously slept in own bed happily) developed an absolute refusal to sleep in her bed. She slept in mine and I let her, initially because I thought amidst all the disruption I could at least give her that. Two years later she was still in my bed. We moved house and I used that as the tipping point for “you’re going to sleep in your own room now”. A couple of nights of protest and then all was back to normal. It’s easier to be firm when they’re a bit older, if you want to do it then.

I enjoyed snuggling up with her at night. I miss it. But it made it impossible for me if I needed or wanted to go out at night, and if I had a partner/needed to cook dinner it would have been very inconvenient. I do think it’s better for kids to learn to go to sleep on their own, but it’s up to the parents as to when they encourage that to happen.

Well, I do agree with you that they do learn to link them, however I also think it's perfectly acceptable to sleep train if a child's sleep is that bad, and it's not just developmental. (Perhaps the best middle ground is to say that can develop it themselves, and also because developmentally ready to accept the training?)

My friend's daughter was a 30-45m baby and after a few nights of ST became a solid sleeper unless she had particular needs.

"Developmental" isn't a term that means we do things in total isolation of any parental input anyway, because even the most rigorous of scientists tend to frown on experimenting with babies and toddlers. No child will be able to tell you they're ready to learn or do xyz.

I didn't wake him last night as toddler has another cold and I was up with her. I checked on him at 3 and he was sodden (and fast asleep). I popped him on the loo while I changed his pajamas and waterproof pad. Wet again this morning when I went into his room at 6.45. His legs are rashy and itchy this morning (prone to eczema, not good to be left wet).

If I take him for a late night wee then he's dry in the morning. If i dont its always like this. I wouldnt get him up for a wee if I didn't need to, his identical twin brother I leave to sleep as he's dry at night.

The point is that it’s individual characteristics of the child and the later family/home environment that matters, not whether or not a child was sleep trained as a baby.

When my daughter was an infant she woke every 30-45 minutes and a “sleep consultant” told me she needed sleep training or she’d never learn to “link her sleep cycles” independently. This was clearly nonsense I didn’t and she now sleeps through the whole night without waking. Child don’t need to be taught to sleep, it’s developmental. It’s all scare mongering and taking advantage of vulnerable new mums.

It may be because you are telling them you are tired and they want to solve it for you. Can you come up with a phrase such as 'thanks for your advice but I don't need advice right now just a listening ear. How shall we talk about something else?'

How do you know unless he’s had an assessment?

My dd wasn’t diagnosed until the sleep problems had years passed. Some kids mask for years

you can if you want
no neurodivergent in this case at all just a nearly teen that can't go to bed on his own. a sil who has been upset as she feels she has lost friends as she can't go out in eve as he can not go to sleep with out her. its had a huge impact on her life and I am sure her marriage. we just don't bother inviting them to any evening things anymore as we know it will be declined or bro in law just comes by himself

@Wexone

I know someone who apparently sleep trained their son as a baby but he couldn’t fall asleep on his own at 14. Unfortunately by then he could climb out of his bed and come find them, so their original technique of gradually leaving him in his own space for longer and longer no longer worked.

Should I go round telling anyone I know who is sleep training this story as a warning? No ofc not because it probably has nothing to do with it. It turned out he was neurodivergent and once he was diagnosed and properly supported for this (and his anxiety), it improved.

No law says you have to, it seems to be one of those things that the people who need a manual for everything do

Maybe it’s nothing to do with that?

Our dd slept on a bed in our room as she had such bad anxiety until she was 13. Later diagnosed with AuDHD. Sleeps on her own at 19 now though.

Well my SIL did exactly what you do - he now 11 and cant sleep without her lying beside him, she cant go on nights out nor participate in the evening conversations when she is visting us after driving to see us for the weekend. He cant go on sleepovers ect 🙄
So cute at 4 not so cute at 11 and you have done it for all that time

Id have being lying there all evening with my eldest who was,( and still is) nocturnal.

Okay, so maybe it wouldn’t have worked for you. The point is it works fine for me, I feel confident that even with one other child I could manage it. No idea what I’d do with three but to be honest I couldn’t even fit that many children in my car or home so would have to rethink much more than sleep if my family was ever that big.

Despite lack of ST as a baby and my child “needing” me for 10 minute or so in the evening before she falls asleep, she sleeps all night, is developing beautifully, and is not sleep deprived or tired during the day. That was the point really.

Lol professional babysitters aent random. I stated you obviously didn't use them as no babysitter or childminder would lie down with a 4 year old to get them to sleep

And as for your husband would take a toddler, does that mean nothing parents would be in the house every bedtime without fail?, Hmm. I've brought up 3 kids and it doesn't really work like that.

@RubySquid I mean, no, no one who looks after my child is a random adult so there is never a situation where someone feels they are being asked to lie in bed with a “random child.” I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my child with anyone “random” even if went to sleep on her own.

If I had another baby or toddler I imagine I’d take the baby in with me and feed them whilst she feel asleep, or my husband would take the toddler etc. I’d have to work it out I guess. Same as if we were out and one child needs the toilet, or a nappy change etc. Multiple children often need different things at different times and this is 10 minutes of my day so I don’t see it as being any different.

So how are you functioning during the day? How’s DH doing? How long can you carry on with insufficient sleep? Do either of you have to function at work the next day?

Nailed it. Lack of sleep is awful and I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t want a baby to sleep more conventional hours so you can rest.

I’m happy to move on as I’m not sure there’s much more to be said. The only derail is the bizarre focus on my child “needing” to lie next to me to fall asleep, which was not even the point of my first reply.

Anecdotally I have friends who sleep trained with 4 year olds (or older) that struggle much more with sleep than my child. But the point is, it doesn’t matter because sleep training (a baby) has little to do with how they sleep later.

Id imagine that laying in bed with a random child would go against most safeguarding rules

I’m sorry what?! 😂 I actually laughed out loud at this…of course they do!!

What in the world seems so difficult about reading a story in bed and then staying for another 10 minutes until a child falls asleep? It’s much easier than looking after a child that is awake and playing.

Ok so this is relevant to the OP if she doesn’t want any more children and is happy to lie next to her child whilst they go to sleep for the next 4 years.

Great input. Thanks. Can we move on - such a massive derail. Your situation is pretty unique and you have a 4 year old (that can’t get to sleep alone)..

Cognitive dissonance. Accepting that you're doing what's best for your baby means questioning whether leaving their own baby alone to cry was really what was best for them, which is going to bring up all kinds of negative feelings.

Of course it’s easier with one child, everything is easier with one child. I’m assuming that doesn’t mean life stops and you don’t do anything because you have too many children and it’s difficult!

You’re right, my 4 year old can’t fall asleep without someone lying next to her for 10 mins or less. I’m certain as she gets older she will fall asleep just fine herself, and that this will happen naturally as she grows. The bottom line is that there is absolutely no problem with the way she falls asleep. If you genuinely can’t understand this, then I give up!

Obviously you don't pay babysitters then as they wouldn't put up with it.

Random question though. If you did have another baby, what happens if the baby needs feeding 5 mins into you laying with your child and you are alone in the house for example? Or you are laying with older one while toddler running riot? Don't really how you can say you'd be able to do it with 2 of them

If you can’t genuinely see why lying in bed with more than one child every time they go to sleep may be tricky then I give up.

If course it’s easy with one child…

Sleep train or don’t sleep train but the bottom line is your 4 year old can’t sleep without someone lying next to them. Might work for you but I don’t think it’s something that most parents aim for.