TW: Child abuse - Not sure whether I should look into this more or not.

From a clinical perspective I would have your own DNA tested first. This will give you a good enough indication as to whether your biological
parents were related. I would do this in order to understand any genetic risk to my own children.

then you can deal with the facts once you have them. Your test could come back confirming your dad is your dad…. And this is just a rumour from long ago.

You need to avoid spiralling without all the information you need to understand what happened.

I'm so sorry OP. It isn't something I have personal experience of, though I have worked with many people in similar situations (social work) and sadly it is a lot more common than people think. As others have mentioned there are a number of different 'survivors' organisations that you might find helpful if you want support from people in similar situations, or someone more neutral. I hope you can find peace with things eventually, it is a shit situation and you don't deserve any of it.

@Newnameforthissubject I come from a family with incest too, you are not alone and unfortunately it is way more common than people like to think.

There will be posters who respond here who shouldn’t because they do not have a good understanding of the issues and if those posters lack sensitivity it is actually cruel of them to respond so try your best to ignore them.

This is an enormous shock for you and one which you will need to process ideally with specialist help from people who do get. Survivor groups would be of huge benefit to speak to. You are bound to feel like your whole world is turning upside down and right side up at the same time as all of those feelings you had in childhood make sense but equally the enormity of the reality you have to face sinks in. You will process this situation. You will be ok in time but for the moment it is time to pull up the drawbridge and take really good care of yourself. I remember I learned of the scale of the incest and dysfunction in my own family and even though I too had been a victim it was completely harrowing for me. I did process it I did move forward and I have been able to have an amazing life that I have huge gratitude for, you will get through this stage. You are worthy and like I had to learn it doesn’t matter that your parents can’t accept that in time you can.

i Hope you get the right support from people who specialise in this area. They’ll tell you what the common responses are and support you making the decision for dna etc. you don’t need to rush.

My view if you deserve the truth if that’s what you want and other people aka family just need to get into line.

Not the same but when sexual abuse was uncovered in my family from a generation ago people did have varying responses. Some disbelieved my relative. Some half believed her. Or believed her for a while and then didn’t believe her. It was a bit nuts. Mostly I think she deserved the truth to be spoken and the support. The treatment she endured as a child was crazy making nevermind the abuse.

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising- how amazingly you’ve done.

Op are there likely to be any genetic implications for your own health or your children?

I think genetic counseling would be smart.

How awful for you. I think it would be a good idea to have a DNA test with your siblings.

You do not have to tell them, whatever the result.

You are their big sister. That doesn't change.

How old are your brothers?

OP, a friend of mine went through a similar discovery. When the penny dropped, in her early 20s, she went through a really difficult period. In a way, you're in a somewhat better position than her, because she didn't have a support team at the time. She flailed around for 15 years, unable to process what she had learned, until one day she told a therapist. Then she got the MH care she needed.

She's now doing really well. She's one of those women people gravitate towards, especially girls and young women, because she has such dignity and strength. It's power forged in fire, of course.

I hope you will also find solace and eventually peace.

This is massive and I’m really sorry for you to have learned this information. I also went through (different but also terrible) childhood experiences that nobody can relate to and it’s actually very isolating. I’m glad you have mental health support and CBT - can you talk to your therapist about this new information? People saying that the now is what matters - yes, of course, but that is not validating your experience, this is a huge thing you’re having to face now. I think I would try and find out if your dad who brought you up isn’t your father but only if you feel strong enough to face the fact he is likely not. So you know, what then? This is where specialist counselling really would be vital and yes the health stuff is important but not, in my opinion, biggest part of this.

Ah it looks like poor OP has been targeted by a time waster. Anyway OP hopefully it’s a comfort that we all support you.

Honestly I think you’re totally right about that, but your initial comments seemed to be suggesting she try to ignore this topic until she’s improved her mental health. That just doesn’t seem reasonable because a) her mental health may be a very long term situation which isn’t about to improve any time soon (obviously we all hope it does), and b) presumably her family background and abuse is at the root of her MH troubles and how can she try to improve her MH while the whole foundation of her life is in question.

She’s asking herself whether she was abused by her grandfather or her father for goodness sake, and whether her “dad” was a shit father or an unwilling stepfather. Huge huge traumatic questions. Yes get support yes don’t feel rushed into discovering anything. I agree. But the idea of putting this to one side until “better” just doesn’t seem feasible in this case.

Obviously the MH and this news are connected. You can't deal with one without dealing with the other. 🙄but sure OP shouldn't be 'distracted' by this.

OP, I have no idea what to say, how awful to find out 💐

Of course OP is going to tell her MH team about this! Duh

AND she wants to talk to us about what she's learned.

Who are you to shut her down here with soothing pats on the head? Jeez