Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

How about you try ignoring him for a few days,He might appreciate you more,taste of his own medicine

Could he be having an affair?

Exactly!

But if he feels like you're forcing yourself, he's not going to feel particularly great about himself - so he'll withdraw even more and be even less likely to comply with your requests.

“I feel rejected”

What if that’s in your mind OP?

I thought "eh he could just schedule a message for 12 every day that says "Love you xx""

But what about the possibility that the OP is contributing to the deterioration of the relationship by making such a big thing about the lack of contact when her DH is working until midnight?

Imagine if they got to the weekend, thought, phew that was a hell of a week, and then had a nice time? Instead OP is pissed off. Yes there will be a lack of connection, and sex will be off the menu, because she’s picking a fight.

But she's not doing what he wants either.

I wonder if the OP is actually listening to anyone in this thread? There seems to be a lack of connection here too.

I don't really think asking a husband to do something you want as his wife is wrong, What's the actual point of being together if neither of you ever do anything that each other wants.

Yep...eek. That is not what therapy is for.

Oh this thread made me uncomfortable anyway

But you've just said outright you're using the therapist to try and force your husband to do what you want

Oof

You are two passing ships in the night. He works utterly ridiculous hours. What's he doing that there's a necessity to come home at midnight every night?!! Even if he's self-employed, most, unless the business is relatively new, don't come home at that time. Your schedules aren't in any way compatible to married life, let alone for one that can accommodate children. You're asleep when he comes home, he's asleep when you go to work in the morning. What time do you spend together at weekends? Or does he work those too?! To me, there's your problem - a husband who is not physically there to spend any time with!! Sending texts, leaving notes, in my mind is just papering over the real issue, that you don't see each other to have a connection. Until this changes, then nothing else will.

People aren't getting it. It's the chicken and egg situation. They think you started this as punishment. It's obvious to me that you didn't. Instead it's been the end result of him withholding emotional intimacy and connection.

He's checked out, you felt that. Having sex or initiating any kind of physical affection now feels like going through the motions because you can sense there's no connection there, it's making you feel worse because you're not a performing monkey and physical affection needs to be a two way thing. It's obvious to me that he withdrew first and this is your totally natural reaction to someone who is showing you day after day in 100 little ways that he just GDAF about you.

Piece of piss though to be fair! If that’s all it takes to make your partner happy then that’s an easy one!

Why haven't you said how long in total you've been with your husband? I think it's important to know for people to give you advice.

I have children your age, married, and tbh if they were only 2 years into a childless marriage and were this unhappy I'd honestly tell them to part ways. It shouldn't be this hard. I think needing to have couples therapy 2 years in is a very bad sign and even if your marriage limps on I doubt it's going to last much longer.

Sorry but you are being ridiculous and so is your couple's therapist. Find a better therapist.

Especially when I was meant to be ringing someone who had faked sleep the night before so they didn't have to speak to me!

If you do decide on divorce you can now do it under a no fault clause, still taking 26weeks and a day.Jointly or soley.
Your husband is showing classic signs of withdrawing from you,into himself, for whatever reason .
You do not have children,so think of yourself and only stay if he shows you he still loves you,how ever he can.
It is absolutely normal to not want sex with your partner if you don't feel loved .
You are young, you have years in front of you to start again.Do not stay if you are miserable every day.

This, knowing that I was expected to be making love language calls inbetween patients or be seen as abandonment would be awful.

That's why a lot of people go to marriage therapy, but that's not what it's for. The therapist isn't a judge and jury who's going to decide which of you is most right or most wrong and issue the other with a "sentence".

They're there to facilitate the two of you talking and hashing it out yourselves, with their guidance. That's all. It's not even about who is right or wrong, it's about can you two come to an agreement, either to work on the marriage and fix the issues or to separate. I'd suggest you go alone from now on TBH, or get another therapist purely for yourself, even if you keep going with him too in these original separate sessions. You need someone to talk to who isn't putting your relationship at the centre of things, but who is instead helping you to decide what you want from life and marriage and whether your husband is the right one for you.

Your husband is showing up physically but that's it. He's likely doing it to pacify you but isn't actually emotionally engaging with the process of therapy, because he has no desire to or intention of changing anything. He's just lying to two people now, you and the therapist. Attending therapy is the crumb he's throwing your way and it's clear it's all you're getting. He's not going to do anything except wait and see if you stay or go. He might not want you to go but he's equally unwilling to do anything to make you want to stay.

Exactly. If I came to bed at midnight after a long day at work and saw my partner lying in the dark faking sleep, I'd not exactly feel inclined to ring them the next day for a chat 🤔