Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

😁😁 That’s so funny! I don’t want to disrupt OP’s thread anymore but if you wanted to, you could share in the litter tray/pet forum!?

Apologies again Borae.

And have you ever thought about why he's spread so thin at work? Who is he doing this for? He's doing this for both of you. For him, and for you. He's trying to set up his own practice for a stable life, for you.

Maybe he feels like you can't appreciate that too.

As someone with an extremely intense job I can understand why he doesn't have the mental space to think about texting you during the day. However my love language is the same of yours and I find a lack of thought devastating. As you say, there are lots of ways to skin a cat. He could surprise you on a Saturday with a trip and a romantic dinner and tell you how much he loves you and is sorry he can't do it all the time. He could even just say the sorry bit and make you your favourite breakfast. Or text you when he gets into bed and say - sorry you're asleep, love you, miss you.

How long is his work going to be like this? It is clearly not at all sustainable both for your relationship and for his mental health. Do you think he's ok? It could be he's suffering with burn out and therefore can't bring himself to respond to your needs even though he would ordinarily want to. That level of work and stress can change you. I think ultimately if there is no obvious end to this work pattern (I'd be wary of - I've just set up my new practice, it won't be like this forever, I've got to make it successful and then I can step back, that is highly unlikely to happen) you will need to give him an ultimatum. As it seems work is more important to him than your marriage, and you can't live like that.

If he’s spread thin at work and knackered then why on earth are you demanding more of him? You say you love this man, but all I’m hearing is “me me me”

@breezyyy Ha ha Ian the cat is an international cat of mystery, master of the road and all he surveys.

We even give him a little gruff voice.

Mr Monkey rushed back frommParkrun today to tell me Ian had meowed at him for the first time.ever. He just in to the living room declaring "Ian can speak, he spoke to me!".

It is really horrible isn't it. Mumsnet never likes being confronted with the idea that the OP may actually be doing something harmful.

She's gone into therapy with the wrong intentions, and I don't think the therapist is really very good or helpful either.

She doesn't want connection, she wants compliance. In her mind his silence = cruelty, but her silence = justified
His withdrawal = lack of love, but her withdrawal = natural reaction
His exhaustion = excuses, but her exhaustion = emotional suffering. His unmet needs = unimportant, but her unmet needs = crisis.

It's not fair at all, and because the OP isn't willing to see that because the therapist has squarely put all of this on his shoulders, she's happy to be done and say she feels rejected by him, but I bet that doesn't hit quite as hard as realising your partner is choosing to pretend to be asleep so they don't have to talk to you, or look at your face, or hug you, but yet still wants more from you and for you to pretend you don't feel rejected too.

I think the time for therapy has long since passed with this relationship.

That's the point

It doesn't mean anything but it's what OP wants apparently

You can't have kids because your mates are and you can't have them with someone who doesn't adore, love, hear and support you.

That’s a bit mean.

I sense that the OP knows her husband’s attitude towards her has changed, is trying hard to re-establish their connection, simply asking him to find a way to express his love for her, and does not want to give up on their marriage.

OP, I showed your thread to my husband and his immediate thought was an affair. I think that his failure to simply show you, or tell you, that he loves you speaks volumes. You sound so very sad and your pain really comes across in your posts. I’m not surprised you don’t want to imitate sex; not knowing if you’ll be rejected or if he’ll feel he’s just going through the motions.

Would you now start to look into getting a divorce? Or at least start to come to terms with having to do so?

Apologies OP but just taking a side road here. I really want to hear about Ian because that kind of stuff makes me howl. Love it.

OP yoi both seem to think there is some way to "do" marriage. There really isn't. As others have you both seem to be performing a relationship- heart shaped mugs and cookies, performative gentlemanly acts- this is real life not a TikTok video.

My partner has been working lates this week, we have been like ships that pass in the night, so I get it. What you need to do is build a close friendship and lean in to that.

What does he like? What makes him laugh? What do you share?Mr Monkey and I currently have an obsession with this sad looking raggedy old cat that is always sitting on a wall on our road. We have devised a whole fantasy world for him. We often send each other pictures of him with little stories. Yes it's silly but it makes us laugh and we know we are thinking each other when one of us sends the other the latest edition of the adventures of Ian the cat.

But you have withdrawn sex. You mentioned it earlier.
That's the death knell to a marriage.

It pretty much cemented the feeling I was getting from the OP anyway that she doesn't care what he wants, she wants him to do what she wants and she thinks the therapist is a weapon in her arsenal

It’s not a simple chicken-and-egg.
It’s two people withdrawing in different ways for different reasons. He’s burnt out and overwhelmed with work; she’s lonely and anxious about the distance. Both of those are real, but neither makes the other person “checked out.”
Saying he “GDAF” is a huge leap from “he’s exhausted and not communicating in the way she wants right now.”
This is exactly why binary thinking (“he’s checked out” vs “she’s punishing him”) is so damaging. It ignores the fact that OP’s actions would hurt him too, and it keeps the blame stuck on one partner instead of addressing the cycle they’re both in.

I think you're really minimising the damage that somebody actively taking steps to ignore their partner does, compared to general life ups and downs, long work hours, the tiredness and exhaustion and the lack of bandwidth for a temporary duration of time.

It's the final nail in the coffin.

OP it's clear you are hurting but it's like you're expecting marriage to be a mixture of a Disney romance and instagram - "welcoming" babies and focussing on heart shapes

What does he actually want? Did he say what he wants during the therapy sessions?

I don't think OP is unreasonable to want more from him but if he is unwilling to give it then where can they go from here?
Either stay in this marriage, where they seem to be currently incompatible,or they separate and divorce.

This has been pointed out loads of times but OP hasn't addressed it.

OP seems to be ignoring that so many are telling her that forcing him to change will get the opposite reaction.

I’m sorry @Borae , I can hear the pain in your posts. The reality is you couldn’t have made it clearer how sad, disconnected and rejected you feel and he isn’t doing anything about it, which means it (I.e. you) no longer matter enough to do so. I have a very busy job and frequently work til midnight and if someone I loved came to me and communicate these sorts of feelings I would do something- I might not be able to/ want to do exactly what they are asking for (if I considered it unreasonable or not in line with my feelings) but I would explain it and do something. If this is not the relationship you want then go now whilst you are still young.

Oh OP. It's already over. You're miserable, it screams from every single post you write. The rights and wrongs of it all are irrelevant.

Well no you haven't tried.

What you've done is things that you would like.

You've left him post it notes declaring your love because thats what you would like.

You've made him coffee and bought a heart shaped mug because that's what you would like.

You've bought him posh jam and cookies because that's what you would like

None of these things are actually what most men are looking for to make them feel loved. Particularly if you've withdrawn affection and physical contact.

Ok,of course,I understand

Would people genuinely find generic, scheduled texts like this meaningful?