Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

I think this is being skimmed. Things have changed. He hasn't just withdrawn.

No. I have been where she is. Yes he is working long hours but this is ALWAYS a choice if it's at the point where he is coming home at midnight. He clearly had time two years ago to show he loved her or she wouldn't have married him. It's not all about him and his work and his tiredness. If he wants to act this way, he should be alone not married. He is the one who needs therapy, not her. This is emotional deprivation and is no way to live your life let alone your early 30s. It isn't hard for him to make small gestures, say lovely things, grab some fucking flowers for his wife who has got to breaking point.

Our therapist has recommended finding other ways to connect ie texts, notes.

I really think you need a different therapist. Your therapist's recommendation here is about how you communicate, not about your husband's communication style. I've said it before. Your so-called relationship councillor keeps giving the impression that they are working for you, not both of you as a couple. 100% of the blame is being put on your husband, and so is all the responsibility to fix things It does not come across that the counselor is a neutral, unbiased observer.

If you want to help your marriage, and I believe you do, I would find a proper couple's counselor that will work properly with both of you.

This isn't a question for AIBU, @Borae. You'll get so many posters with no interest in your future, but a desperate need to sneer at you and your attempts to connect with your husband.

You're already begging him to show you some attempts at connection. If you stay with him your standards will have to drop even further.

Ignore the love languages stuff. If he was trying clumsily it might be relevant, but he is refusing to respond at all to you.

He seems either supremely confident that he can live his life with minimal regard to your needs and you'll eventually learn to suck it up, or he is indifferent to the relationship lasting.

You're worth so much more, as are any children you have.

It's all "me, me, me", "I feel this and I feel that"

What has he said he needs and wants and feels?

You're withdrawing from him and not even entertaining trying to spend time with him now

He does some lovely things for you but because they aren't what YOU would do then you've dismissed them

Maybe work on listening to him and recognising what he does do?

I don't think your therapist has helped either. They've concentrated on what would make you feel loved without realising that it's the sentiment it conveys that you're craving. What you're seeking is reassurance that you're loved.

If you push this, you're in danger of having a husband that sends scheduled messages so that you're off his back, but is no more engaged during his work day.

I don’t doubt it feels painful rejection always does but here’s the part you keep skipping over:
He feels rejected too.
You’re terrified of going up to him, giving him a hug, and getting hurt.
Imagine how he feels after months of:
you pretending to be asleep
you pulling away physically
you stopping the affectionate rituals
you questioning his commitment
you telling him he’s not doing enough
you saying things feel “broken”
you withholding intimacy because you feel embarrassed
date nights feeling awkward because you’re scanning for proof he cares
From his point of view, every attempt he might make risks being judged, analysed, or dismissed, and now you've got him infront of the judge and jury with the therapist too.

And I think you're expecting to do this one thing and it suddenly fix it, when he also needs time to heal, and he probably sees the things you're doing as performative and without sincerity.

You could also try to find the signs that he does love you. DH tolerates having dogs and a cat, even though he would choose to be pet free, because he knows how important it is to me. That's love. It's non-tangible. He doesn't talk about it. But every time he puts up with a dog licking him, or wanting a cuddle, I know that it's for me.

saying something corny is not what you need to do anyway since that is reminiscent of your love notes and might put the pressure on. "I love you" will generally be enough

Oh I'm so sad for you.
You sound so defeated and low.
It's a great shame that your husband seems to have checked out of the marriage.

Perhaps you should work with a therapist separately on this? I really don’t think your husband is rejecting you, or that he doesn’t care about you, or that he’s doing anything hurtful. He’s just too busy and too knackered to do what you want.

Framing it endlessly in such negative terms is making it into a much bigger issue than it needs to be. Unless you drop this (unreliable) narrative it will stand between you and a happy relationship.

But you've interpreted your DH not expressing his love for you in the way you would express it for him as rejection. You've listed some absolutely lovely, caring, thoughtful qualities and dismissed them because they aren't what you want. I understand that, but you can't completely dismiss what he is doing.

You don't have to say anything, Saying things is hard if you've not been getting on. Just a hand on his back as you pass or a peck on the cheek starts the process of rebuilding the intimacy.

I agree also. I love my DH deeply. He absolutely knows I do. I haven't got energy to do anything but the bare minimum right now because we have so much going on with our DC. He gets home from work and the evening meal is not planned. I have not done x, y, z. He picks up where I've left off. Because he knows that if I could have done it I would have done and the fact that it hasn't been done means that the day has gone badly again.

One thing we do, wherever possible, is text each other when we're on our way home, and whichever of us is home will try to make sure a cup of tea is ready.

Your DH can't be having much fun if he isn't getting in until midnight.

Perhaps you have different needs and goals to attend therapy, and what you need from a relationship for it to work. You say that you need connection and more closeness from partner. What are his priorities?

💯 agree

I would very strongly recommend completely unclenching about the performative love notes stuff while he’s at work. Just drop that altogether.

Then, genuinely, focus on having fun at the weekends. Let him recuperate on the Saturday morning - he’ll be knackered - but change the tone completely. Happy music, silly TV, lighthearted chat, fun activities. Absolutely no navel gazing about what he hasn’t done during the week. Don’t talk about the therapy.

Don’t plan for sex the first weekend or even the second. Concentrate on just having a genuinely nice time. Don’t do stuff for him in the expectation that you’ll get something back, just be spontaneous and light. I honestly think you’ll connect better that way.

A few things that actually would break the cycle:

• Stop interpreting every missed text as proof of not caring.
• Stop assuming he “checked out” and start assuming burnout, overwhelm, and stress.
• Stop waiting for him to “prove” love and start looking for the ways he already shows it (providing, working, caring for your safety, planning for your future).
• Make space for intimacy that is NOT sexual and NOT symbolic just quiet companionship.
• Repair the moments where you’ve shut down too.
• Have one conversation where you tell him you recognise he’s hurting as well.

It isn't about lying back and thinking of England OP. Its about small physical intimacies, a hug in the kitchen, touching hands as you walk past, kissing each other goodbye, sitting next to each other touching whilst watching TV rather than sitting on two separate sofas.

It is wrong of some people to blame her for asking for a daily text from him.Its a bloody text,not a daily present.OP I think the advice here is telling you that this may not get resolved in the way you want it to.He may no longer care for you as he used to .You can give it some more time to be sure but don't waste months or years being very unhappy

But less about me. Long term relationships are hard, you have to want to make them work, more importantly you have to actually like each other. Strip away your expectations of what a marriage is, the long working days and whatever your friends are doing - do you actually like him and want to spend time together?