Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Perhaps the "homework" is a bit of a mood killer. I wouldn't want to be told what I have to do to show love, it should come naturally and sporadically. He might have taken on some of these suggestions but wants to do it in his time, when he feels it in the moment.. not under a deadline where I'm sure this will get reviewed in your next session. Sounds like his job can be high pressured and now his home life too.

No, I think PP is trying to dislodge the notion that it is all his fault and the OP is an entirely innocent victim.

The truth is that it is much more balanced and that the constant one-way blame and finger pointing is toxic to OP’s marriage.

The “neutral” facts are:

• The OP and her husband both work unsociable hours which leave little time for themselves during the week. This could lead to a conversation about whether the jobs are right for them and whether one or both of them needs to take a different approach to work. It may come down to an irreconcilable difference in priorities: she may want him to stop building his practice and go for a 9-5 role in order to centre her. He may not be prepared to do that. But that is a different conversation from the one they are having at the moment.

• OP wants children /dogs but her and her DH’s working life absolutely cannot sustain that as things stand. Apart from getting back onto an even platform emotionally, there need to be some very clear conversations about who will do maternity/paternity leave; who will go part time; who does the drop offs and pick ups.

• The OP’s husband must be absolutely knackered if he is regularly working until midnight and having to work weekends.

• The OP values performative gestures throughout the working week. Her DH does not or is too tired/busy. Their approaches may again be incompatible but again this does not need to be framed as him “hurting” or “rejecting” her.

• The OP has withdrawn physical affection and pretends to be asleep when her husband comes home. This is a sign of massive dysfunction in their relationship and OP is right that they need to be in a better place emotionally before jumping back into bed. However part of this must involve dispensing with the notion that he is the villain of the piece, constantly rejecting and hurting OP.

It should be possible to have sensible and less emotionally fraught conversations about all of these issues. But it is not possible to do that fairly and honestly when the DH is unfairly getting the brunt of the blame.

I think OP has a shit therapist and has been sold a narrative which is flattering to her and what she wants to hear but which is ultimately damaging.

But it was her actions which meant they don't see each other at all during the day now and she's the one who is now making the big deal...

And though his decisions, it's also vanished. They used to have time together in the evenings, but he's choosing to spend that time at work instead.

I get where you're coming from... Everything is the her fault and he can't do any wrong. Same old, same old.

has he changed in demeanour or behaviour? Less demonstrative?
has he always had a demanding job?have the demands increased?
how long between dating & marrying?

No

I'm saying that they used to have a small period of time together which, through her decisions, has now vanished

Why should he have to change work hours which had been set and were known because she made a decision which makes her less around when he is? It might not even be a "simple" thing at all...

In his eyes she has gone "oh I know that hour we have is all the time we get in a day because of your established schedule but I've changed my hours so now I'll leave before you get up. Shame." She's pulled away from him first

And now, she's complaining that he's withdrawing when she made the first move towards that

she was less available in the times he was at home

she made herself less available

So you're suggesting he threw his toys out of the pram because her work pattern changed and she was no longer conveniently available for him?

And that instead of simply shifting his schedule and hours to match her new hours, so they could still spend time together, he emotionally withdrew and checked out of the marriage?

He doesn't sound like a team player. And marriage is supposed to be a team effort, with mutual support and encouragement.

Is it possible he thinks you can no longer be bothered to stay up and see him if you always used to?

Also, are you ‘settling’ because you want a family and don’t want to risk not meeting someone else, or are worried about the timeframe for meeting someone else and falling behind your friends? Would you stay with him if you were in your early 20s?

To go 5 days out of 7 every week not having any contact with your spouse is weird

So is pretending to be asleep so you don't have to talk to or hug your partner, but lets conveniently forget that is a horrible thing to endure and focus solely on how he must be an absolute villain.

A bloody text in the day to show he’s thinking of her when they don’t see each other Monday-Friday is nothing!

It's nothing for you and some others.

For others, they can't text while on the job. It's a rule in some jobs. Some can't have their personal phones on them.

You want your doc or health care provider looking at his phone texting or listening to you, the patient? Or texting his wife and forgets to send med orders? Or 🤔 ng oh no, gotta text the wife and misses what the kid in front of him is saying. You want your lawyer texting his wife on time you're paying for?

She's at work from 7 something to 6. She obviously can take time out of her workday but he's got a different job and responsibilities and can't.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can almost feel how much you're hurting and desperate for a solution through your words.

I'll give you the advice I'd give my best friend - men only notice what you do when you stop. Stop doing these things. It feels like you're being horrible (whhch clearly isn't in your nature) and also counterintuitive but it's not. It's the only way he will properly understand. Men learn by consequence, there are structural and hormonal differences in male/female brains so you do need to help him understand in a way he will understand if you really want this to work.

It's also interesting to note this changed happened after OP changed her job/hours so she was less available in the times he was at home

There's a good chance he felt she was abandoning him and pulling away from him because she made herself less available

So she went to a therapist to get her own way...

Rather than a conversation about why they were both struggling

She wanted him to be forced to comply to her way

OP, you said that it was better when you spent time together in the morning. Could you start doing that again? Could your DH shunt his schedule earlier so that you wake up together and have breakfast together?

He could still work the same number of hours, but he'd start earlier and so could finish earlier. Eg. if you currently wake up at 6.30am, and he wakes at 7.30am when you leave, could he start getting up at 6.30am with you, and instead of getting home at midnight, he could get home at 11pm.

That way you could actually see something of each other during the week, and have the opportunity to talk to one another, have a cuddle, and connect.

@Borae possibly a bit of a wild guess but you have ADHD by any chance? It is linked to rejection sensitivity dysphoria and may explain why you are feeling such a heightened sense of rejection and struggling to get past it?

The OP said

‘I was hoping the relationship therapist would convey how miserable I am. And force husband to acknowledge and respond to my feelings. But still nothing. I just want a hint that I’m loved and appreciated. But all I get is rejection.’

So she wanted the therapist to see how miserable she was, and hoped having another person explain it to her husband would make him realise this and acknowledge it. The therapist clearly did and asked him to come up with 5 ways to show the OP he cares. Not do them, just come up with them, and he can’t even do that? Just have 5 ideas of how he could show her he cares. He’s showing her he doesn’t care right there. To go 5 days out of 7 every week not having any contact with your spouse is weird (unless in military maybe, although even then my BiL manages to contact SiL more often than that when stationed abroad).

I bake for my husband and do a hundred other little things to show i love him, what does he do for me ? He built me a shed and jumps the second i say something needs fixing or moving. I have never once had flowers in all the years we have been together, he has never come home with a gift "just because" he only once has brought me a cuppa without being asked and that was only because i had a really serious medical episode. I know he loves me , i dont need gestures from him but i understand that some people need the little touches. If he isn't listening then maybe it is time to call it quits..

But he does make certain efforts and does affectionate things... OP provided an extensive list

They just aren't what SHE thinks they should be

She has openly said she went to therapy to try and "force" her husband into certain actions...

This! Personally I don’t do love notes, heart shaped mugs etc as I find it cringey but I get where the OP is coming from. She wants him to just at least show he likes her and cares about her. A bloody text in the day to show he’s thinking of her when they don’t see each other Monday-Friday is nothing! If he was working away all week and not contacting people would be straight away accusing him of cheating.

I can’t believe there are actually posters on here suggesting the OP is at fault for expecting some contact from her husband in the week other than just having sex when he finally decides to go home. People really think he couldn’t take one evening a week to leave early and have dinner with his wife, that would show he cared about her, all he seems to care about is his job. People claiming he’s working hard to provide for the both of them (when she has a job!) but that won’t even matter if he pushes her away first. He can’t just expect sex from her when he doesn’t put any effort in.

If the OP hadn’t have mentioned love notes etc and just said ‘aibu to expect some contact from my husband in the week’ then people wouldn’t have been so sneery.

I haven’t mischaracterised you but I have asked a couple of times what your husband was like romantically whilst you were dating (you haven’t said how long you dated I don’t think) and you haven’t responded to that. It would give people an idea of the difference from then to how it is now.

No she went in with the intentions of having the therapist force her husband to acknowledge and respond to her feelings.

She has said so herself.

You are projecting your old wounds onto the OPs situation.

What sort of practice is he trying to set up OP?

The comments on here are horrible. Gone into therapy with the wrong intentions? Her only intention has been to try and save her marriage and connect with her husband and he doesn't seem to really care. Doing damage? How so? OP please ignore this crap. You clearly try all the time to do lovely thoughtful things for your husband and he's lucky.

But don't you see, you are already playing games ?

You are not trying to understand him, you are just doing what you think is emotionally connecting and beating him up for not reciprocating.