Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Me and DH have a similar work routine - we barely see each other on working days apart from quick chats over the kids etc. I never make him breakfast if he’s sleeping etc. What matters really is how well you reconnect when you’re together - what do you do as a couple when you have a day that’s just yours together etc?

He sounds very considerate and caring to me. I think you have unrealistic expectations.

What was he like before you married him?

I have to say, I know my husband loves me precisely because he does work the long hours to support our family, selflessly arriving home extremely late at night after a long drive. Little notes, a particular mug, a special biscuit aren't ever going to be his love language. When you start looking at what he DOES do to show love - in his own terms - rather than expecting him to show love the way YOU do - you'll be a lot happier.

He works long hours, you see very little of each other.
When you do see him, are you whining on at him all the time, or do you keep it light and breezy?

Is the marriage even worth pursuing if you are in therapy when it is such early days?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want some sign of him thinking about you, given that you hardly see each other. It is similar with my husband in that work means we do not see each other all that often - he works a very busy and high stress job, and still manages to text me throughout the day either updating me on something that has happened, a funny story, or just a simple “I love you!”
He also is a note writer. I am not. These men do exist, but it’s either in their nature or it’s not. It sounds like your husband is not, and trying to make him conform to that could lead to stress and resentment on his end. I don’t know what the answer is but I do understand what you’re saying!

I disagree with you and that’s ok
men do work hard to show worth they do cheat and they are single but most men work hard for their families to pay the bills to provide and that isn’t to belittle or downgrade women who work
Men and women have different ways to show love sure you spoke to your husband and said hey work less cook me dinner instead of killing yourself working all the hours that’s important and valid shows you both communicates need and compromise
that doesn’t negate the fact that a man working is part of love multiple things can be true at once

It’s utter bullshit to say men like this are showing their love through working hard. They work hard while they have affairs and they’d work just as hard if they were single. They do it for themselves. My dh suggested he worked hard for me once and I said that’s great because it doesn’t make me feel valued at all so now you know that you can be home by 5 and cook dinner as that’s what would make me feel loved. So he’s never tried to sell me bullshit like that again.

This. The op is young and child free. He is never there and doesn’t make any attempt to make her feel connected to him in any other way. She sees him about as much as she might see one of the waiters at the local coffee shop except the waiter will be awake and might say hello. Time to work out the plan to separate.

I am going to guess that you know him working all hours is him showing he loved you and wants to provide for you that at he like you does things to show love
notes are a very female thing unfortunately
if it was me I’d text him something like oh I’ve been shopping picked up x cause I know you like it love you then see what the reply is if it’s wow thanks love you too then you have your ‘note’ if it’s nothing then you text the next day oh I wanted to get x for today then wait until he mentions it and say you didn’t text me back so I left it I can get it but let me know… sounds to me like you guys don’t communicate and you haven’t worked out the rules of engagement yet
Men don’t think like women and that’s the crux of it
you want reassurance that you are loved so. You have to work out what he does that shows that and have an honest conversation about it fixing the shelf changing your oil making sure you have the things you need are all ways to show love notes are a little bit extra oh you can always call him and say just wanted to say I love you 🥰 if he put the phone down without responding then there ya go lol 😂

I didnt even get cards on occasions but I do think my husband loved me but I let the lack of affectation get to me

Rather than seeing taking a step back (with the gifts, notes etc) as withdrawing or game playing, reframe it as giving him space to step forward. You've become hyper fixated on everything he does or doesn't do now and he's probably feeling that. If he senses the expectation and constant gestures have eased off, he might feel more free and willing to act.

Apologies if you already answered this, but all the gestures you do to show love - are they what he wants? Has he said those things have the desired effect? If not, what would have more emotional impact for him?

Yes she has

She said she wants the therapist to force DH to see things her way

What a load of absolute crap and you know it. What about lunchtimes etc? Time between patients. I don't think a 5 min text is going to mean he is missing patients. The GP at my practice takes lunch, texts people, comes and talks to the health team in between seeing up to 50 patients in a day.

No she hasn't. She is trying to get her husband to see her pain and to empathise with her. OP I have been in the boat of a husband with insane working hours, and been told by posters many moons ago on forums like these that 'he's doing it for the both of you' ...'if you leave one day he'll have mansion with a Porsche out the front and someone else will enjoy that'...I bent and bent and bent to the demands of his job. The mansion never came and he wasn't doing it for the both of us, he was doing it for his own career and ambition and didn't care that I was collateral damage because he has low empathy. Is your husband possible ASD? Regardless, I really think you need to leave. At that point, he might wake up to himself.

Absolutely. It's as simple as that.

Quite

after reading your posts I would also be the one suspecting an affair.

But physical intimacy isn't "just" sex
She pretends to be asleep rather than cuddle up to him
She won't even go and hug him

I have been with DH for 30 years, married for 24. Dh worked insane hours for the first 12 ish years of our marriage. I moved to his home country upon marriage and barely saw him in daylight Mon-Fri for the first 6 months. My mother actually asked if he was having an affair. He was'nt, just working 16+ hours a day. In those years I never felt like you describe. I was frustrated and pissed off that we did not see more of each other, and I felt that I had been brought to his country and left to sink or swim (which I would not have done to him), but I did not feel like he did not love me. Further down the road, and another move abroad, and more years of ultra long and unreasonable working hours, we had a few bumps in the road. I sometimes felt that I was taken for granted, but most of the time it really was good. Some more years down the line and another couple of country moves and still ultra long hours, but even with glitches we were still committed to one another. Having a child threw a bit of a spanner into the works, and things have been rocky at times, and 'love's young dream' is a very distant memory, but we are still committed to one another. We had a major wobble around 10 years ago for a couple of years (post baby - he went weird, not me), but it has settled down now, and while not perfect, there is still a lot of love and repect, and commitment. At the time we had marriage counselling, but it was not successful. He was not ready to accept that he was part of the problem. We had a baby, so I hung on in there, but it was a tough few years. The reason I could do it is because we had nearly two decades of loving behaviour to lean on, and I knew that this was a good man at heart - even if he was driving me nuts!

Two years in is too soon to feel like you do.

Do not get pregnant and do not get a dog. If having children is really important to you, you might be best off leaving your current relationship asap, since you will need time to heal and find a more suitable partner.

Genuinely, my DH worked like a machine for years, and while I did feel like I was not his priority, I did not feel unloved. He has also turned out to be an excellent father.

One thing men often fail to grasp when complaining their partners don't initiate intimacy is that in order to feel in the mood, women need to feel physically and emotionally safe.

And if being appreciated, thought of, considered etc etc etc is what makes you feel safe, able to relax and not worry about your relationship then that's the bare minimum you should be able to expect.

Not so that he then gets some sex - so that your relationship gets better for you both.

You've worded this so much better than I could

It's not about blaming her and absolving him, it's about recognising they've both made decisions (or had decisions made in their work life that they've gone along with without considering the impact) which have limited their time with each other, the latest of which is OP's change, and those decisions have consequences

And maybe trying to force him to accept her way or to make performative gestures isn't the right direction to be heading in

You met at 26?
What age are you now?
You are married only two years?

You have time to move on.
This marriage sounds very dead to me.

How difficult would it be to say I've made a mistake, and step away and out of the marriage?

Don't even think about kids or pets yet - they won't bring you together and will make things worse.

Forget all the love language stuff - it was invented by a bloke trying to blag more sex.

You both need honest, open conversation about what you want from your relationship and what if anything either is prepared to change to save it. At the moment it's basically a house share.

Succinctly put. The therapist definitely needs replacing and I think all the love language nonsense needs putting in the bin.

There are two adults avoiding each other while the thin membrane of their marriage is at breaking point. Unless they sit down together and talk honestly nothing will change. Preferably without a third person at the table.