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Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

712 replies

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:19

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/11/2025 13:35

Many people would be unhappy or not want to remain in a relationship with a partner working until midnight most weekdays and also working for part of the weekend. Some would be OK with it.

OP is unhappy and wouldn’t be unreasonable to decide she doesn’t want to continue. Even if she had been OK with it before marriage or the latest stretch of long hours, which doesn’t sound like the case

Her H isn’t necessarily unreasonable for working those hours and prioritising his business over his relationship, but his current working hours aren’t compatible with what OP would be OK with, or with their original plan to ttc for DC in 2026.

Subwaystop · 16/11/2025 13:15

Susiy · 16/11/2025 13:12

Most Therapists, like Freud, are con artists in my view.
They'll milk you until you face reality or run out of money.

Michael Douglas said he wasted 8 years of his life going to Marriage Therapists instead of just dealing with the reality that his marriage was over.

'It took me too long to realise that if you go to a marriage counsellor to resolve problems, it’s in his interest to keep the marriage going. Because if I end the marriage he’s got no business. I think Diandra would probably say the same thing. That’s the only clear regret that I have."

Edited

There’s too much therapy worship in our culture. Therapy touted as a panacea all the time.

BunnyLake · 16/11/2025 13:15

Both my sons are in serious relationships and I’ve stressed to both of them that the key to a happy relationship is both partners being nice to each other. If that stops because one or both forget to be likeable then it’s doomed to failure.

Is your dh being likeable, are you? If yes to both then there is hope. If one or both of you see and treat the other as the enemy then you're screwed.

Susiy · 16/11/2025 13:12

Most Therapists, like Freud, are con artists in my view.
They'll milk you until you face reality or run out of money.

Michael Douglas said he wasted 8 years of his life going to Marriage Therapists instead of just dealing with the reality that his marriage was over.

'It took me too long to realise that if you go to a marriage counsellor to resolve problems, it’s in his interest to keep the marriage going. Because if I end the marriage he’s got no business. I think Diandra would probably say the same thing. That’s the only clear regret that I have."

ilovesooty · 16/11/2025 12:41

I've asked several times if he wants to be in therapy and there hasn't been any answer. It seems very likely that the interaction is driven by the OP with the expectation of forcing him to change his behaviour and there seems little point in it. This is why I think the therapist has no business continuing to take their money.

Susiy · 16/11/2025 12:31

If I got "homework" from a therapist my other half forced me to go to, I'd ignore it too.

It sounds like you are not a match made in heaven and now may be the time to get out of it for both your sakes.

WonderingWanda · 16/11/2025 12:26

It sounds like you are very mismatched, did he ever show his love in any gestures, kindnesses, acknowledgement of you or has this always been the case in your relationship. It's unlikely to ever change if the latter and I would say you made a mistake in marrying him, he is never going to be able to give you what you need as it simply isn't important to him.

Subwaystop · 16/11/2025 11:18

I read the whole thread.

I’m of two minds.

On the one hand, just reading her demands makes me so anxious. People like op push me away. The pressure to text, knowing she will have hard feelings if I don’t, makes it into a huge deal. “Oh no I need to do it, I didn’t do it, I don’t know why I’m so blocked, I’m sorry, I feel bad, I messed up.” And being told “it’s not a big deal” actually makes me feel worse and more misunderstood. It is a big deal. Little things are a big deal to you? Than realize they are a big deal to me! It can become brutally hard to do it when done as a demand. In my own life I avoid people who make me feel like this at all costs. Otherwise I get caught in a very unhappy cycle. It definitely pushes me away. I can see that OP might have pushed him away. She definitely doesn’t know how these demands can feel.

On the other hand, she’s lonely! I feel so much empathy for shattered dreams, trying so hard, feeling so abandoned, loneliness. It’s hard to know if the marital dynamic caused the rift (ie she pushed, he pulled away) or if he checked out. If he checked out, because he is done with the wooing phase or is having an affair or just is not really interested in connection, then OP is absolutely in the right to feel so aggrieved. But if he checked out because she is pushing so hard for her vision of marriage, then I have empathy for them both. I have a friend who so aches for these little romantic flourishes and sometimes when we are out together I catch her watching couples holding hands and being affectionate and I know she feels so sad that she and her husband don’t do that. We have discussed it often and I never get it. I just don’t think this is important to me. But it’s such a deep, primal need for her. And I respect that for her to be happy, she needs little symbolic gestures. I think OP you need it too.

I think the only hope for this marriage is if you can get out of the cycle of expectations and focus your attention elsewhere and let the marriage become easy again. But that might not be possible as you might be too fundamentally mismatched or he might genuinely be emotionally done.

PenelopeSkye · 16/11/2025 11:17

I really feel for you OP. I can see it from your DH’s side too though.

I love my husband, and I know that he loves me. We are both busy, and have the same situation where he is home after I’m in bed on week nights. Some weeks we literally see each other for 10 minutes in the morning (and that’s while I’m making breakfast for our 3 children so is a busy time of day). The idea of him saying to me ‘you need to text me in the day so I feel connected to you’ is just so crazy to me, it would make me feel like I was having to reassure an insecure child. The fact he knows I love him, and is entirely secure about that, is actually in itself hugely comforting.

That said- we DO sometimes send texts- but absolutely not every day, and there’s no expectation of it having to happen. And to be honest sometimes he’ll send me a message and I’ll forget to respond/ and vice versa, it just isn’t a drama. Sometimes we send cute messages, sometimes funny things we’ve seen that the other might like- and many many times, we send nothing at all. If I felt DH was demanding I did it more often- it would put me off doing it at all.

Of course there can’t be NOTHING. If you really feel he’s pulling away and is distant at times you’re together, that is an issue. But I’m wondering if the pressure you’re putting on him to show you he cares is causing him to become irritated, and having a knock on effect causing him to be distant at other times.

Maybe take a step back, not to punish him, but just to take the pressure off. Maybe just do something different together - a new class at a weekend, or plan a trip away, or train for an event. It might then be that organically you start to reconnect.

spookymelon666 · 16/11/2025 11:00

Ok so
please let me draw upon my experience to be able to advise. I am 44 and my husband has put me in a position where I can’t afford to leave him. I have no money. He works long hours and he makes no effort. It’s all about him and he thinks I am the problem. What I’ll say is that you need to decide if you are happy to live out your life in this way or not. Because I can tell you now, it will NEVER change. He will never change. It 100% will get worse if you add children into the mix. You’ll be a single parent, like me, but married. It’s very lonely. If you’re happy to live that way then please continue. If I could turn back the clock, I would get out. My advice is to get out and find happiness OP. Otherwise you’re in for a very lonely existence.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 16/11/2025 10:33

Thundertoast · 16/11/2025 10:08

I get your point, I personally feel that if someone's job takes over the point where they cannot meaningfully engage in personal relationships then they need to think carefully about if they are in the right place to be having those personal relationships, given that the majority of the time it means the other person accepting less than what they need, however I think some people would be okay with it, takes all types!

The OP has said she acknowledges this is just a temporary thing with him working late while he sets up his own practice.

I have asked the OP what sort of practice is he setting up, because it is sort of vague. Could be a medical practice, could be a consultancy practice, could be an architecture practice, who knows. All she has said is it's a practice, so my mind is jumping to medical.

Is it a medical practice? Is he a GP? Is he working in a practice alongside trying to set up his own medical practice? Does she know GPs rules have recently changed for GPs. They can't close their e-consult forms when they're at capacity anymore, and they've got to keep them open for all working hours, and all patients must know on the same day how their request will be managed, a new target has been set by NHS england that GPs should see 90% of all urgent cases on the same day, and that these changes started on 1st October 2025.

This means there are a lot of aditional administrative changes that are needed in order to remain compliant and receive funding.

A lot of GPs are having reduced lunch times because of these extremely recent changes. Add on top, trying to set up your own practice and the additional administration this also takes.

Then you've got the appointments themselves, it could be anything from seeing patients for common coughs and colds, to telling somebody their hospital results have come back and they've got cancer, to telling someone they've hit the menopause and all their hopes and dreams for starting a family are a pipe dream now, to we've run out of medication options for treatment resistent depression, to the medication you've been taking for years is now no longer permitted even though it was the only thing reducing the pain. I know many GPs who will feel completely overwhelmed by lunchtime, and any lunchtime they get will be spent decompressing in a way that works for them, and might mean that they don't have the headspace for superficial and coerced text messages.

Then there are GPs who do out of hours services too, with a high rate of GP absence so other GPs are having to pick up the slack, especially with many GP practices closing due to lack of funding or resource.

Our GPs lead partner who established the practice has since become a more administrative role within the practice and he does have more time to make sure that he is taking restful, and meaningful breaks, but it takes time to help your staff also get into the flow of things and make sure that your service isn't completely overwhelmed. On top of that they're not allowed to close off their registration process, meaning that currently they serve around 10,000 people, and that number will just increase the more people register to that practice which is likely to happen the more other practices close. There's a national shortage of available GP appointments.

So the more practices there are in an area, the more that number is shared, and the less busy they will be.

This is with the assumption that when OP said practice she meant medical of course and I am making massive presumptions here.

Setting up a business is never easy in the early days of it. It is usually temporary, despite the work never ending.

What the OP is saying she needs is directly contradictory to what he needs. There isn't an absence of a show of affection, the OP has listed all of the things he does for her, and he sounds really considerate and caring, but instead the OP has accused him of an affair, purposefully pretended to be asleep so that she can avoid him, and you can tell when someone is pretending to be asleep, and can't see the things he does do for her in a positive light. She's expecting him to be loving, warm and affectionate when she has rejected him too so that she doesn't feel rejected first due to the temporary circumstance he is in with work.

I do think that if the OP is not happy with the arrangement she should leave the relationship because it sounds like she could be asking for an immediate resolution to something that can't be given an immediate resolution.

Thundertoast · 16/11/2025 10:08

SquareEyedSue · 15/11/2025 14:33

I am one of those people jumping in.

I think someone who works virtually 24/7 is doing something far more meaningful for the relationship (and the community) than leaving a stupid sticky note.

I get your point, I personally feel that if someone's job takes over the point where they cannot meaningfully engage in personal relationships then they need to think carefully about if they are in the right place to be having those personal relationships, given that the majority of the time it means the other person accepting less than what they need, however I think some people would be okay with it, takes all types!

SleafordSods · 16/11/2025 09:39

Bikergran · 16/11/2025 07:53

Do NOT contemplate having a dog or a baby until this has changed. And don't get a dog anyway if you're still working, it's just bloody selfish.

I don’t know how many times the OP had to say she’s not getting a DDog. RTFT.

Roselily123 · 16/11/2025 09:33

JustMe2026 · 16/11/2025 05:55

Well as you can see a fair amount of us wouldn't even have time for form a text as work zone is work..I couldn't be with someone who comes accross so needy tbh. The fact my hubby will open doors, carry bags stuff like that shows me more than enough he cares I don't need cookies and weird cups..Hubby recently looked after me all weekend when I had a bad flu bug and again that meant more than all the stuff your mentioning which is more superficial tbh

I read all op’s post
and a lot of replies
im still on the fence.
I agree with the above.
I mean if I was so busy I was having to work until midnight, then I probably wouldn’t have time to text either
I was married to a workaholic… has anyone mentioned that word.
we had a baby , it didn’t last.
looking back I could have made it work.
but I was 26 , no real mature help available, friends or family ( wish we’d have Mumsnet back then. )
my ex worked for his dad… he didn’t work until midnight, but he may as well have.
he came home at 7.30 ish , ate his tea , had a bath (alone ) and went to bed.
And he Worked weekends too ( shorter days but still)
I know what op is feeling.
I also was full of resentment….. so much so we rowed every day, and he certainly wasn’t getting any treats off me …….
back then I just hadn’t got the self confidence or maturity to make the marriage work.
the marriage failed.
all the things suggested on here are being rejected by op.
there is some brilliant advice. .. but op just isn’t listening….
My ex wouldn’t go to therapy ( his dads suggestion- it wasn’t so acceptable back then)
But after the divorce I did got to therapy, took responsibility for my part in the breakdown of the marriage- hind sight is a wonderful thing, and have been successfully married for over 25 years. .. to someone else.
it took a lot of work but I am very happy.
my ex’s second marriage lasted 20 years , so maybe he didn’t learn as much as me, but I genuinely wish him all the best…. That was years ago snd I lost track of him, so hopefully he happy now.

HelpMySocksAreTouchingMe · 16/11/2025 09:32

What is your husband actually doing for work that has him so busy? Is this likely to be a short term situation or something that will be ongoing?

Sometimes in life we just don’t have the capacity for everything so if work is extra intense right now it maybe that your relationship can’t be the priority for him as he need to focus on work.

I am studying alongside work at the moment and it’s intense so I probably am neglecting my husband a bit but it’s temporary and he knows I am doing this for our future lives. Is your husband putting himself through intense pressure to set up your lives in such a way to enable children in the future, short term pain for long term gain?

DeepRubySwan · 16/11/2025 08:46

IBelieveInUnicorns34 · 16/11/2025 07:26

This reaction is very common not only with ADHD so looking for ND is a red herring and quite possibly unhelpful for OP, as it will further put the responsibility in DH court for not doing enough.

My guess was that OP had quite set and possibly unrealistic expecrations of the relationship based on her previous experience, now triggered by mismatch between her and husband's needs. Unless they BOTH take responsibility for communicating and understanding each other, I don't see how things will change here.

Gotta love a good Mumsnet amateur diagnosis! Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria 😂😂

Bikergran · 16/11/2025 07:53

Borae · 15/11/2025 13:48

We always had the view that 2026 would be a good time to welcome a baby. But we rarely bring up pregnancy/babies these days. We used to talk about our future kids quite openly but that is never a topic of discussion either of us brings up anymore.

We had planned to welcome a dog this year but that didn’t happen either. It obviously doesn’t feel right when things aren’t 100%.

Do NOT contemplate having a dog or a baby until this has changed. And don't get a dog anyway if you're still working, it's just bloody selfish.

GarlicHound · 16/11/2025 07:45

Lougle · 15/11/2025 21:06

But you've interpreted your DH not expressing his love for you in the way you would express it for him as rejection. You've listed some absolutely lovely, caring, thoughtful qualities and dismissed them because they aren't what you want. I understand that, but you can't completely dismiss what he is doing.

No, she hasn't. His lovely, caring qualities:

Will carry suitcases, the shopping bags etc. He’ll offer me the best seat.

  • He's got good manners. Should be a basic minimum.

He is very sweet about my personal safety ie I will say I’m catching the train to go to meet friends. He used to give me lifts but now will insist on booking me a taxi.

  • That's nice, but it's not much. She can book taxis, too.

He’s interested in my take on world events. He appreciates I have opinions.

  • This matters - but is it happening now? When? Not during the week, when THEY DO NOT SPEAK. He's only half there when he is at home: are they having fascinating debates about world events? I think OP would've said so.

He's taking you for granted, @Borae. I'm sorry. I've lived through similar and it's horrible. Feeling alone in a relationship is way worse than actually being alone. I remember wailing "I'm in this marriage all by myself!" It didn't go down well - but it was honest.

I'm beginning to suspect you've accidentally married an avoidant character. If he were not avoiding an intimate connection with you - I mean that as written, not a euphemism for sex - he absolutely would be making efforts to stay in touch while apart. And as you're not connecting intimately, it's no wonder you don't feel like sex.

I've heard and read a lot of shite about how men express love through sex (well, don't we all?) and, worse, that sex generates loving feelings in men. Again, that's true for both sexes but the implication is that women should just put out so men will love them. This is all backwards - and isn't even true. Please don't let this nonsense blackmail you into forcing yourself to have disconnected sex with your own damn husband.

Your couples therapist isn't doing any good. It might be better to see someone by yourself, with the aim of figuring out why you're putting yourself through this and what to do about it FOR YOURSELF. You can't change the way somebody else is, only your own response.

Avoidant people feel hounded by partners pleading for connection. Avoidant people's behaviour makes their partners feel abandoned, so they're likely to start pleading. It's very sad

You can try setting out really strong rules of engagement - I know my ex's current wife did this with at least some success. She's an extremely secure character, with such strong family & friendship bonds that [a] she needs very little from him, and [b] she would easily walk away. I'm not exactly a wilting flower, but I never wanted a "very little" relationship and we were therefore incompatible. Being married to him really damaged my self-confidence.

IBelieveInUnicorns34 · 16/11/2025 07:26

BlissfullyBlue · 15/11/2025 21:52

@Borae possibly a bit of a wild guess but you have ADHD by any chance? It is linked to rejection sensitivity dysphoria and may explain why you are feeling such a heightened sense of rejection and struggling to get past it?

This reaction is very common not only with ADHD so looking for ND is a red herring and quite possibly unhelpful for OP, as it will further put the responsibility in DH court for not doing enough.

My guess was that OP had quite set and possibly unrealistic expecrations of the relationship based on her previous experience, now triggered by mismatch between her and husband's needs. Unless they BOTH take responsibility for communicating and understanding each other, I don't see how things will change here.

Piglet89 · 16/11/2025 07:19

99bottlesofkombucha · 16/11/2025 02:06

It’s utter bullshit to say men like this are showing their love through working hard. They work hard while they have affairs and they’d work just as hard if they were single. They do it for themselves. My dh suggested he worked hard for me once and I said that’s great because it doesn’t make me feel valued at all so now you know that you can be home by 5 and cook dinner as that’s what would make me feel loved. So he’s never tried to sell me bullshit like that again.

💯 %: they do it because they want to. My husband does it because he’s ambitious and likes the prestige, status and a nice lifestyle. Men are fundamentally MUCH more selfish than women.

Piglet89 · 16/11/2025 07:14

Borae · 15/11/2025 13:48

We always had the view that 2026 would be a good time to welcome a baby. But we rarely bring up pregnancy/babies these days. We used to talk about our future kids quite openly but that is never a topic of discussion either of us brings up anymore.

We had planned to welcome a dog this year but that didn’t happen either. It obviously doesn’t feel right when things aren’t 100%.

OP. This is complete pie in the sky, with the way things are ATM. You’re already having major problems and you don’t have any kids!!!! My husband and I were deliriously happy when we didn’t have children. His job was nowhere near as full on as your husband’s - having him come home at 1900 when the witching hour with our son was done and dusted and I was totally exhausted was bad enough! Our son’s 6 now and our relationship looks very very different. When kids come into the mix, there is a LOT more opportunity for conflict, believe me. Particularly in the early days when you’re both not getting anywhere near enough sleep! As a PP said: this is not the busiest phase of your life as a married couple, not by a long chalk.

Ignore all the cool wives on here saying you’re needy wanting a text while he’s at work. Unless he’s in charge of stopping a nuclear power plant meltdown 24/7, nobody is THAT busy.

My husband nearly always checks in by text during the day - just a wee “How are you getting on?”

this guy’s married to his job and things are unlikely to change when you have kids. Unless you want never to see him AND to be responsible for kids and any employed work you choose to have while also taking on most, if not all, of the childcare - leave now.

Also read the Gottmanns: the 7 principles of a good marriage. Best book on marriage I’ve ever read.

once1caughtafishalive · 16/11/2025 06:50

This sounds like torture OP.

Everybody has different ways they want to live in their relationships, please ignore any posters who are trying to tell you this is your problem.

You have laid out what you expect and he's just not respecting you enough or doesn't understand the issue enough to do anything about it.

I'd feel exactly the same, I couldn't be a weekend wife. At this stage its still meant to be fun.

Personally I think it sounds like its a fundamental personality difference. Even a therapist and you explaining this can't get through to him. He should want to be close to you and showing you he cares.

Have you thought about ending it to see if it shows him how serious you are about this?

JustMe2026 · 16/11/2025 05:55

Well as you can see a fair amount of us wouldn't even have time for form a text as work zone is work..I couldn't be with someone who comes accross so needy tbh. The fact my hubby will open doors, carry bags stuff like that shows me more than enough he cares I don't need cookies and weird cups..Hubby recently looked after me all weekend when I had a bad flu bug and again that meant more than all the stuff your mentioning which is more superficial tbh

RetirementIsGreat · 16/11/2025 05:00

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:44

I don’t expect these huge romantic gestures but just small ways to show he cares.

My husband and I would do notes letting each other know we love each other. When he passed of a long illness at HH, I found a note at home letting me know how much he loved me. I pray your husband's attitude changes. Life is short.

Carycach4 · 16/11/2025 04:45

You are trying to turn him into someone he isn't!
You sound very needy-maybe try yo work on yourself first? How are weekends? Do you have any fun together then?

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