Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

@Borae If you do have kids then it sounds like you will be parenting mostly on your own.

Swan past looking pampered and busy

Swan past where?? She doesn't see him all week!

You do realise OP has her own career and social life? She's not wilting (or pottering) aimlessly around an echoing house all day.

I've been married nearly 10 years
This sounds like man behaviour when they are extremely stressed at work and tired(lots of mental workload) he loves you and appreciates you being "near" pottering about the house genrally being "around" etc and that's enough as his mental capacity will allow. Some men and women are just like that. He may find the note thing abit OTT if it needs to be a daily thing (I definitely would)
Unless there is trust issues you should grace him this time to "figure things out"
You are being too needy. You should fill your spare time with hobbies and interests and connecting with friends. Your notes to him should consist of a one line of what you are doing, have a good day love you bye. Swan past looking pampered and busy (which you actually would be) look in the diary when he is likely to be free and and text "film tonight? X" keep it short brief and mysterious. Make your own plans if he says he can't.

I get the house mate feeling which happens when you are like passing ships due to work, but I do think less additional pressure from you will allow him to be more open to showing affection in a more authentic way

Have you considered getting a hobby? You sound a bit clingy There seems to be a bit of an imbalance here this can drive people away do you have any issues with your self esteem?

Hi OP, just wanted you to know you are not alone. (You as a couple I mean) I married the man of my dreams. Got married etc and at 2 years (we have been married for 10) we struggled too. We actually saw a very expensive relationship coach in in Harley street. (We are based in south London). And what he asked us separately was whether we still wanted to be together and he individually took us back in time.. when we had our joints sessions - this cost about £10k back then - he got us to identify each others ‘love language’
there wasn’t anything in particular that was driving us part just intolerance and impatience with each other and once we took the trip down memory lane and understood each other again - this really did get better!

we get on really really well! I know MN willl scorn at this but we forgot our anniversary - I think over shadowed by our baby’s first birthday…husband drew a card on an A4 paper which made me laugh…and I did the same (we obviously remembered at the same the same time)
no one was upset. No drama - I called and made a last minute reservation for dinner -early Ofcourse as we had to take the baby. We then spent the evening chatting about stuff really - just light hearted. It took us 6 sessions of therapy /a different perspective to get here. So don’t be hard on yourself. I hope you two figure it out

I see where you're going here, but your reasoning is flawed. What @RamALamADingDong2 calls "bids for connection" aren't either self-stroking expressions requiring no response or invitations to reciprocate. They're both.

When you tell your partner you love them, you say it because you feel it.
If your partner replies dismissively or just walks off, you're going to feel disrespected. If it happens often, you'll feel unloved.
You don't get a warm, safe feeling purely by expressing your love.
It only works when it works both ways.

Hi op I would do this if I was you. Big hug tell him you love him see how he responds what a lot of men don’t like is being told what to do. If he finds the time for therapy why can’t he find the time for you. I would be encouraging him to come home at suitable times a couple of times a week so you can connect and at the weekend leave work at work. does he find time for other people? Does he see family or friends? I’m not really one for post it notes or texts but you are and that’s fine but you cannot force this. you can tell him if this connection disappears it can only end one way and you don’t want that but you live mostly as a single person and children cannot come into this life you have now. Make him realise you will walk away if necessary and that’s what will happen to find someone else but I would also think long and hard because if he’s not cheating on you and is genuinely busy working and you decide that you cannot carry on he might meet someone else could you deal with this? Also you might meet a new guy but a guy who is no better sometimes the grass isn’t always greener.

You're making so much effort, I feel a lot of sympathy for you, OP.

It's not much to ask for one text or phone call - it must be heartbreaking that he hasn't once made the effort.

You deserve better.

You have a husband, but you don't like him, so you are currently coaching him to behave like someone else. He already has an intensive workload, he doesn't have the time or inclination to train as an actor to perform your idealised-husband role too. You're only 2 years in. Choose someone more compatible next time.

Or, start individual therapy instead, and work on loving yourself, and building your self-confidence, so you don't need to live in a romantic movie to feel loved.

You might also explore if your sweet gestures towards him are spontaneous and unconditional expressions of genuine love - in which case your expressiveness is the entire goal, there is no need for him to respond in any way. Or, are you subconsciously trying to manipulate him into giving/doing/saying things toward you that you desperately need. Are you effectively saying 'I love you' as a generous gift of your feelings, or are you saying it to elicit a response because you want/need to hear him say 'I love you too'. They are fundamentally different things.

edit: typos

I feel for you with this. There's an idea called "bids for connection" - you are obviously making clear bids, and he's turning away instead of toward them. I think you trying counselling is really important, but if he's not engaging, then that's not a great sign. I'm sorry OP - no advice, but I hope you manage to resolve it - it's no way to live x

You’re flogging a dead horse.

Your original post made it sound like he’s away a lot and you just need him to check in. It’s so, so far past that. You had a basically silent car ride. You’re not on the same page even when you’re together.

On paper it sounds like a classic case of; you’ve felt the distance grow and tried to bridge it with more romantic gestures, he’s not responded, and now you feel torn between not wanting things to fracture and feeling stupid for trying.

It does sound like you’re expecting him to mirror your love language - you want an act of service, he doesn’t want to give one, whatever it is. It doesn’t matter that he’s for the freedom to choose what or that a third party has told him to do it, he doesn’t want to. Perhaps you were always incompatible on that front, or perhaps you both had more leeway before…

Now, though, you’re at loggerheads. Having sex with him or him sending a text isn’t going to fix it at this stage. It’s beyond crisis chat time, really, but that’s where I’d start.

I'm so sorry, I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time. It's obvious that most women's urge for intimacy starts with the relationship being good in the first place.

It sounds as though your husband has completely checked out. He isn't showing any sign of wanting to check back in - given a mere text would make you happy and he can't be bothered even doing that, there doesn't seem to be any hope the relationship will recover.

Whether he's seeing someone else or not, the end result is the same with you feeling completely neglected and side-lined. I'm a naturally suspicious person so would be definitely wondering why he was working so late every night and why his sex drive was non-existent in the house, but I think you're not the type to look into that, and I don't blame you - it can bring you to a new fresh level of hell.

I'd give up on the marriage and figure out a life for myself. The very last thing I'd do is have a baby with him. He's checked out and I'd feel too hurt to try to persuade him to come back to me. As you've said, he can't even send you a text. That's really awful.

I would ask him outright if he still wants to stay married to you.

If he used to be affectionate and thoughtful but now isn’t, then there’s a problem.

My exH was the most romantic thoughtful boyfriend and it all stopped once we were married and he’d locked me in. He turned into a nightmare narcissist but I didn’t see any of it coming.

texts and thoughtful gestures however small are a normal way of showing you care about each other. Especially when are not seeing much of each other in the week.

it sounds like he’s really not bothered or is just not on the same wavelength as you.

you’d be better off calling it a day and finding someone that matches your needs, it’s only going to get worse when you have kids.

Do you know how he shows love? Youre pointing out how you do all these nice little gestures, but you do it not because he feels loved that way but because its how you would want to feel loved.

I think you need to perhaps talk about what he sees as connection, are you the same or different? I dont think a note is much, id like it too. But maybe say to him how do I see when you are showing me love? If theres a reason the notes difficult for him what will he try? And if hes blaming his job? Whats he doing about it?

If he was constantly off his tits on coke or heroin that wouldn't be acceptable, never at home and when he was rarely home not really "there". Nobody would tell you to put up with that, especially if he had no desires to change.

Well said, @Pumpkinsonastring. An addict is an addict, whatever they're addicted to.

He is literally not physically there for her to do that with. He is constantly at work.

She's admitted that she pretends to be asleep when he gets home, so she could be intimate, or even have a conversation if she wanted to. Or just have a hug. But she's not taking any responsibility for doing anything herself.

Could you book an air B&B for a couple of weeks and have very low contact just to let each other know youre ok?

How about a break from feeling rejected to assess your options?

He is literally not physically there for her to do that with. He is constantly at work.

OP you can't fix this because you can't have a relationship by yourself. It takes two and he won't even make the time and space available for a relationship to actually happen! You can't control another person only yourself. But the change you need for this relationship to work has to come from him and so far he's proving he won't do it. He has to make himself physically available, to be physically and mentally present, for the relationship to exist. All you currently have right now is a co-owner of your house who, on the rare occasions you see him, has his face in a laptop working. The rest of the time he's physically absent, supposedly at work (but it really doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing. The point is, he's not at home).

All this bullshit about he's doing it for both of you. That would be true if you didn't work OP. But you do. And you'd rather have him home more, than have him earn more working every hour there is. So whatever he's doing this for, it's not you, because you don't appreciate it, don't value it and don't want it. Same as all your little gestures to him, he doesn't care about them. You're completely incompatible. And that's fine. It's not personality flaw or someone doing someone wrong.

You're allowed to want to be in a relationship where the other person actually wants to spend time with you, where the other person puts your marriage before their career aspirations and where sex doesn't feel like you're just being used as an alternative to his hand. It's ok to want to feel loved by someone who is emotionally available. You're not an unreasonable person for wanting that. You're just not going to get any of that with this man.

I actually agree with some of the others that he's probably having an affair. If not he either doesn't like you and is avoiding you, neither of which will fix this situation or the relationship. Or he's a workaholic. If he was constantly off his tits on coke or heroin that wouldn't be acceptable, never at home and when he was rarely home not really "there". Nobody would tell you to put up with that, especially if he had no desires to change. But somehow someone spending all their waking hours working is seen as fine. Not in my eyes it isn't. I'd divorce him in a heartbeat.

He just isn’t interested. Sorry.

If this is what your therapist has done, then they are not a good therapist. You don't 'tell' your client to do X or Y. That's not going to sort out the problem. Even if he did it, it wouldn't come from genuine feeling, it would be because he had been told to.

A good therapist would try to get both of you to see where the mismatch and the cause of unhappiness lies - why you see love as expressed in overt gestures, albeit small ones, he and he doesn't.

The fact that he's agreed to go to therapy with you shows he cares.

That must have been really hard @GarlicHound

Perhaps OP’s H always worked and behaved like this, perhaps it’s ramped up. Perhaps OP’s thoughts and feelings about it have changed.

The prospect of what life could be like with DC (of any age) with someone behaving like this would make many think twice.

Possibly this has backfired as he now feels pressured to show he cares. It would be fake if he started to do things that dont come naturally.

Partially agreeing with this and recent PPs talking about consistent relational styles. My avoidant ex was avoidant before marriage, but never plainly rejecting. That started on our wedding day. We had a mutual push-pull dynamic until then, we discussed it, we agreed to be consistently available to each other emotionally and to communicate more openly. It seemed to be working.

As soon as we were married - and I mean we were still sitting at the registry desk - he seemed to cast me in the role of cartoon wife, the ball & chain holding him back. While I couldn't believe what was happening and kept trying to fix it (for a year or so), I now realise this is more common than we think. Abusers are known to 'become' abusive upon engagement, marriage, pregnancy or birth of a child - as soon as they feel they've caught you, basically.

Emotional neglect is emotional abuse. Some people feel more abused by it than others; same with any of the less extreme forms of abuse. I'm almost impervious to verbal abuse, for example (XH tried that as well), but it's still true that the only acceptable abuse is no abuse. Life partners are supposed to be appreciative, caring and supportive. Otherwise, they are not partners.

And of course high earning, successful, early career husbands can show appreciation, care and support! It doesn't take a ridiculous amount of time, loads of them manage it. Loads of them also find time to invest in their colleagues, clients, sports and hobbies, mistresses ... an hour here and there, ten minutes over lunch, a call or text about something interesting that's happened: it doesn't take much.

Anyone withholding that much either doesn't care or is doing it on purpose. I do think a lot of people, mainly women, put up with it as part of a bargain, seeing it as the price of the home and family they want. I wish they wouldn't. Every bargain like this gives men a reason not to bother, it keeps the standard low. A woman with her own career and support system should definitely not settle for a detached 'partner'. She doesn't need him and happier options are available.

I imagine it's not new. You don't go through university a medical training for no reason and you usually work in a practice for a while before you decide to set up your own practice.

Op says they met when she was 26. But even without an age gap his career trajectory will have been underway.

But is it new? I would never have married a person working in the services, or a doctor, or anyone who was going to put their work above our future family. As part of that, I've accepted that my DH is never going to earn big money but I'm ok with that.

Some women are able to cope with having a high earning, in demand DH, who gives them the lifestyle they enjoy at the expense of time.

Some women are happy to sacrifice in the early years in the hope that they will have both financial security and time later.

What you can't have is the high earning, successful, early career husband with lots of time. It just isn't a thing.