Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

So it’s your expectations that have changed - not his actions.

He’s not suddenly going to turn into a man who leaves you notes, buys you cookies and brings you coffee, just because your work patterns have changed.

But what does he do that he thinks shows he cares? What does he expect you to do to show you care.? It's a two way thing? What was your homework?

You are focusing a lot here on all the lovely things you do for him.

He either takes this for granted as the dynamic of the relationship (she does nice things for me, meanwhile I work all the hours to provide - that’s the setup)

OR

He doesn’t really care about crumpets and posh jam and out of this world biscuits and sweet little notes. It just doesn’t register with him at all, and he wouldn’t care or notice if you stopped doing these things, because his mind is on work.

Your doing all these nice things for him is not going to make him want to reciprocate, if he doesn’t care about the nice things or doesn’t see it as his role.

This is an incompatibility problem.

When I was married, the only romantic gestures I got were birthday, valentine's and Christmas cards ,we rarely hugged but were together 15 years. Basically we weren't that emotionally compatible and became more like friends.We worked shifts,so some days didn't even speak. We got divorced but have actually stayed friends via texts.
It is all about what you want and expect,you have to be happy.Even if you are very different personalities,if there's not a real connection it may not last, unless you know you are loved and can accept that he is undemonstrative.

Look, it honestly doesn’t sound like he cares.
It’s obvious you do BUT he doesn’t.
So the therapist kind of sides with you, suggests he try AND he didn’t.
I guess the marriage has ended.

Does he eat lunch? Can he not send a text at that point

To say what, though? “I’m sending you a text because you told me to, even though I have nothing to say”. It’s fake.

I think counsellors sometimes suggest this sort of daftness because they know the real problem isn’t fixable.

I think I would want to understand whether your DH appreciates the gestures from you that you value. I get annoyed if my DH texts during the day unless it’s important, because my head is in work mode.

It’s hard if you place a high value on something and want reciprocation and the other person not only doesn’t value it, but is actively annoyed by it. Would it be helpful to explore communication more broadly before getting to homework? It’s not a who’s right vs who’s wrong thing, but ultimately one party can’t unilaterally make the rules.

Did he ever do any of this, or have your expectations changed?

I think the bottom line is that you’re not happy, you’re not getting what you need out of this relationship. He knows this and has done nothing to try to remedy things.
Im sorry, but he doesn’t love you enough to care about your daily needs.
You e done counselling, he’s not listening because he doesn’t actually care.
I’d be done. I’m sorry.

His job sounds tough and hours too long. My career has never been like that. Having said that, I have no time or inclination to think about my wife during the work day, whilst busy with work stuff.

By the sounds of things this guy's on work-eat -sleep-repeat. If he gets home at midnight when the rest of the household is asleep as they work regular office hours when do you propose that he does that.

OP, are you able to work different hours?

I think the therapist needs to explore with you both the ways and things he does which he thinks shows his love and care, have him voice those and you hear them, and then work from there, rather than setting him “homework” and essentially making texting you from work just another chore on his list rather than an actual gesture of love. Are you really going to feel happy about receiving a daily text message which he’s set up an alert in his calendar for to remind him to get the job done?

This. Does he show love in other ways?

This sounds shit, OP. But he’ll only change if he’s motivated to, and it doesn’t sound like he is.

(Or maybe he’s pissed off about having to drink out of a heart-shaped mug which sounds very prone to spillage!)

Jokes aside, it sounds like there is a profound incompatibility here - and I wonder if your therapist might work with you to understand what drew you to someone emotionally reticent, who would clearly be unavailable most of the time due to work, when romance and thoughtfulness and togetherness are important to you. This could be a really helpful exploration.

Yeah this isn't going to get any better.
It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and both of you need to be the one giving 60%.
You've tried, he just isn't bothered.

Leave. Don't waste anymore young years on trying to get him to love you.

Did he use to do this stuff and has stopped? What’s changed?

Was he romantic when you met?

How is he when you are together? I get that it feels like you’re being forgotten about as soon as he’s not with you. I’ve been in relationships like that where it feels like out of sight out of mind and it is hurtful. I’ve realised though that some people are just wired that way and will effectively compartmentalise their life - work is work, home is home. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it’s just more that they can only concentrate on one thing at once! So it really depends on how he treats you the rest of the time, how considered and loved you feel and whether that’s enough for you.