Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Respectfully @Borae , the REALLY ‘busy’ time will be when you’ve got children and you’re both still working…if he hasn’t got the time now, what’s he planning on when children arrive?

Did the therapist give you any homework? Everything you've said so far paints all the problems as his fault, and his responsibility to fix. But you've also said that you've changed jobs and that you need your sleep, so you're no longer awake when he gets home. So, from an outsider's perspective, it's not all on him and how busy he is. Did he want to go to therapy? I know you said it's relationship counseling, but what you've posted is so one-sided it sounds like your therapist that you brought him along to.

This is actually very controlling.

How long were you together before marrying OP?
In which ways did he previously make you feel loved, presumably he did or you wouldn't have married him? When did it stop?

Is he choosing to work these hours or is it from necessity of building a new business / being self employed? It sounds like you have the weekends together to connect but you are dissatisfied with that as well

If I told my DH that he doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection he’d look bemused and ask me what on earth I was talking about. If I took him a drink up in a heart shaped mug he’d ask me where his builders pint pot had gone to. On the other hand, if he was working til midnight all the time, I wouldn’t be cooking his favourite treat and leave him cutesy messages in post it notes. (Obviously if he was doing this because we desperately needed the money to keep body and soul together that would be different).
I can’t remember the last time we said we loved each other - but we have been very happily married for over 30 years, are really content to sit quietly in each other’s company and have very separate hobbies that we actively pursue.
You can’t force someone to be something they’re not.

Are you just fundamentally mismatched?

I am not a 'stuff' person. I don't get all the unnecessary frill. It's not cute to me, it just things to go in landfill and a heart shaped mug is just impractical.

My brain just doesn't work like that. I see people making bouquets out of banknotes of chocolate presented like flowers and really I think 'what's the point'.

You find posh jam a treat. He just sees jam. A thing to be eaten before work with no ceremony.

My husband knows this though and will buy me a pen knife or a torch - which I love but would have many on here complaining about terrible gifts.

You need something I'm not sure he's capable of giving. You enjoy the exercise of going into the shop, selecting something lovely, laying it out for him. He sees it as one more fucking thing to do.

I'm not really sure how him doing these things to satisfy a tick list is an improvement.

Either you start to find love in the things he does do (does this happen? Will he bring you a cup of tea, mend the watch strap you've broken etc) or you go your separate ways (and if there's absolutely nothing you can identify then maybe this is best).

You're not wrong to want this but you are wrong to expect it from someone who isn't on the same page.

He's not 'more than decent' when he's around - he's on the laptop half the time.

Do you think he's lost interest in you OP? It's worrying that even when you do spend time together it feels awkward or contrived. I'd be concerned that he's just going through the motions. Everybody needs to feel like they are a priority to their other half and he is not making you feel like that, he's more like your protective older brother.

I'd be asking him if his feelings have changed and if not then he needs to decide what's more important, you or work.

On the one hand, not seeing or talking to or texting or communicating with a spouse Monday-Friday might be tricky when you’re actually in the same house (not like he’s out on the rigs or deployed).

On the other hand if I were your DH your expectations and the therapist’s suggestions would actually repel me even further. I would want an independent, adult equal in my life, not someone who needs me to do this or that to feel right. That’s not my idea of marriage or partnership. I choose to be with my DH for who he is, not for how he makes me feel or whether he fulfills my needs - I can look after myself. To me, and maybe your DH is like this too, you sound needy and immature and that’s very off putting. I would see heart shaped mugs and random biscuits as….weird, if I noticed them at all!

Ultimately, you’re mismatched. He can’t give you what you need. So the question is what you’re going to do about it.

She's already said she doesn't see why he can't "go through the motions". She still hasn't said whose idea the therapy is and whether he wants to be there.

Because its common decency if you are 'working' until midnight

This is what I never understand. When people say, essentially, I don’t care if it’s coerced and comes from a place of grim and loveless duty, as long as you do what I want. I can’t see how that’s a route to emotional intimacy.

(not sure that’s what the OP is saying or asking for though - but she is being led up the garden path a bit by a therapist who seems to think that if her DH can be forced to send perfunctory lunchtime texts some kind of emotional connection will develop as a result, rather than a sense of miserable entrapped resentment.

You're having so much trouble 2 years in you're seeing a counselor.

From what you've said, your mindsets are just incompatible.

He is providing for you and caring for others and that makes for long hours.

You want romantic little gestures and for him to be 🤔 ng about you when you're not around and show that. For him, those little gestures are just more things to remember and chores to be done and he's not got the bandwidth to do it.

Is his practice health care? If so, he's not got the time or in the headspace to be sending you notes through the day. He is grinding and needs to be super focused. He has to pay attention or he might miss a small detail that's extremely significant. You come second after his work.

That said, you need more than he can give you and he's not going to change. It sounds like he's more than decent when he's present but that's not enough.

Do you do any fun things together? He can’t be working 7 days a week?

OP - I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here. It's not unreasonable to expect your husband to acknowledge your existence and be an active participant in a marriage. It might be different if he actively engaged with you at the weekends but it sounds like he cant be arsed either

🙋‍♀️ DH and I used to do the notes when we first started living together. Why not?! I still text him every morning to let him know I’ve got to work ok. He gives me a 👍 in return.

Sadly it sounds like he has checked out to me. A text takes a minute. A gesture a bit of thought. He just can’t be bothered. Sorry OP.

It sounds like you are wildly different with regard to how you express love/affection etc.

To be honest most men are not demonstrative in the way you describe. Notes cookies etc. It’s a bit Mills & Boon really. My mum wanted the whole Mills & Boon scenario and my dad just wasn’t like that. And she ended up unhappy for years. Even as we all grew up and told her real life and marriage was generally not like that she hung onto unrealistic expectations.

I have a friend whose husband is big into the gestures. Presents, booking her a spa day etc. But was never there in a practical sense.

My DH isn’t romantic at all. Was very career focussed and essentially as soon as he woke up in the morning his brain was taken up with work until he came home in the evening. If he had to call or text he would but only about something specific. It used to drive me a bit mad but then I realised that he did a lot of practical things to make my life easier.

So think about if he does anything that isn’t necessarily a traditional romantic gesture but something more practical that helps you or shows he is putting you first.

Hmm I don't think you'll get what you want from him and I think you need to up your standards. Some of this stuff you've listed here is the bare minimum not chivalry. Even the shit boyfriends I have had in the past would carry the suitcases.

You sound like you are more suited to the OP's husband that she is? Strictly business, housemates only, nothing so soppy as a text message.

He is not that interested in the relationship.
Maybe if you were leaving, he'd make an effort, he can afford a bunch of flowers, he wouldn't have to.leave his chair, order for delivery.

Yeah OP! Having an emotional connection with your own husband is so lame 🙄
A brief nod if you happen to pass each other in the kitchen is more than enough for a successful marriage and anything more is clingy.

People have different ‘love languages’ and regardless if people think the notes etc are abit OTT they are your love language and you are mismatched to your husband as he doesn’t outwardly show he cares…
My DH is abit of a soppy romantic snuggler and I’m not.. my ‘love language’ is making sure his tea is put to one side if he’s left work late, nagging him about his sweet tooth, organising our household as he works long hours, seeing something when out shopping and buying it for him because I know he’ll like it etc On paper we are a total mismatch but neither of us have any doubt how much the other cares.
You can’t fundamentally change who someone is, if you’re struggling when only 2 years in and you want to start a family I would be asking if this was the right person to plan a future with.