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Original poster

Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

712 replies

Borae · 15/11/2025 12:19

Husband and I have only been married for 2 years. And unfortunately we are already struggling. So much so we have been seeing a relationship therapist.

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

He works extremely longs hours and owns his own practice. So will often come home at midnight if needs be. So small little gestures are a way for me to show appreciation for him. I will bake him his favourite treat and leave a sticky note for example or bring him up a coffee in a heart shaped mug.

I get nothing. Therapist told husband he should do his best to connect with me. Ie send me a text during the day. Just so I know he is thinking about me.

Sadly, this has not happened. I’ve gently reminded him but still nothing. I’m only 31 I can’t live without any romantic connection. Husband just blames his unsocial job. But that’s not an excuse. A note would take 5 secs.

What can/should I do? I’m hurt by his lack of effort

He was supposed to find 5 ways to show me he is thinking of me between appointments. So far nothing has materialised. We’re housemates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Borae · 15/11/2025 13:54

I wasn’t set homework beyond being open to any gesture husband would do.

Husband expresses that he doesn’t feel as discontent as I do. He sees it very practically ie “I’m busy”. He thinks I am overthinking things. Which makes me feel worse. He sees this stage as something we just have to get through and it is what it is. The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days. That’s a separate matter. But I’ve said I would more likely want to engage in that if I felt like we were actually emotionally connected. Bit of a vicious circle. I’m trying to break it! But I’m getting nothing from dh

OP posts:
CheeriosOrFrosties · 15/11/2025 13:53

One of the things I mentioned was that I feel rejected when my husband doesn’t acknowledge and reciprocate my small attempts at connection.

What, exactly, did he say when you said this in session?

AliceMaforethought · 15/11/2025 13:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at authors request

outerspacepotato · 15/11/2025 13:52

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:37

This is actually very controlling.

Show quote history

I agree that it's controlling. And the guy's at work.

Send this text at X time. Stop on your way home at midnight and get flowers. It's a chore, not something he's choosing to do. I also think that her expectations and the therapist's homework are unreasonable., especially if he's establishing his own practice, which I'm assuming is health care related, but maybe not. Still, he's got a business to run and that's time consuming.

If I was him, I'd write some dry text like thinking of you and have it auto send daily at a certain time.

OP might be better off with someone who isn't starting and establishing his own practice and can give her all the extra froufrou she needs to feel connected.

Sunshineandoranges · 15/11/2025 13:51

Poor bloke. If he is working all the hours god sends to get his business started or keep it going through hard times you need to think about him more. I read about lazy men who go out with their mates drinking or dont work.

Brenda34 · 15/11/2025 13:51

https://share.google/images/cS7nLTaVOmb8A6hJR

Also an audio book. Life changing.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 15/11/2025 13:50

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage at 31. Get out. Freeze your eggs if you can afford it. Life’s too short.

Susiy · 15/11/2025 13:49

Sounds like your marriage is not working out and it may be time to get out so you can meet someone else before it's too late to start a family.
Bringing a child into a marriage where one person is already not sure about the other's love and commitment is a recipe for ending up a lone parent.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 15/11/2025 13:49

DH and I always check in at some point during the day with a little message and a heart emoji. If that’s what OP would like from a relationship to make her feel loved, there’s two options here, really:

  1. OP’s DH tries harder to meet her emotional needs
  2. OP ends the relationship and ultimately finds someone else
Original poster
Borae · 15/11/2025 13:48

We always had the view that 2026 would be a good time to welcome a baby. But we rarely bring up pregnancy/babies these days. We used to talk about our future kids quite openly but that is never a topic of discussion either of us brings up anymore.

We had planned to welcome a dog this year but that didn’t happen either. It obviously doesn’t feel right when things aren’t 100%.

OP posts:
JuvenileBigfoot · 15/11/2025 13:48

babasaclover · 15/11/2025 12:26

He’s not thinking about you that’s why he doesn’t text. Selfish men don’t change

I love my DP. But I'm generally not thinking about him a lot while I'm working. Not selfish, just busy.

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 15/11/2025 13:47

He sounds utterly knackered.

YANBU for wanting to feel appreciated but maybe he doesn't appreciate the extra demands on top of his already demanding day.

VoltaireMittyDream · 15/11/2025 13:46

ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 13:33

She's already said she doesn't see why he can't "go through the motions". She still hasn't said whose idea the therapy is and whether he wants to be there.

Show quote history

Fair enough. I just didn’t want to pile on the OP too much, as she’s clearly hurting, and in most circumstances it really isn’t a crazy expectation to want to be vaguely in contact with your spouse during the week.

But the issue seems to be she’s not ready to accept the fact that this relationship cannot meet her needs. And rather than face the prospect of ending things and being single at a time in life when she was hoping to be starting a family, she’s still clinging to the hope he’ll turn into a completely different person with a less demanding profession so that she can have the life she wants.

Alovelyhotbath · 15/11/2025 13:46

I'm not surprised he hasn't done his 'homework'. Having to suddenly show affection in ways that aren't natural too him would be uncomfortable and awkward, so much so, it would fizzle out. Nobody should feel pressured to behave or conform in ways that aren't natural to them. I think yous need to look at how yous could be spending more time together rather than forcing acts of affection that are unnatural. Or you may need to accept that this is how he is and decide how you want to proceed.

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:45

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:40

It's not controlling to want to feel appreciated in a relationship - and if he didn't know how to do that then being told is pretty helpful.

Show quote history

My ex used to explicitly tell me how he wanted me to behave towards him so he felt appreciated. It really IS controlling.

JuvenileBigfoot · 15/11/2025 13:45

Heart shaped mug???
Sorry, but GAK.
I'd think DP had lost his mind.

Also, funny shaped mugs are really hard to keep clean.

Aluna · 15/11/2025 13:45

How long were you together before marriage and what was the relationship like then?

Suntots · 15/11/2025 13:45

Forget the cutesy notes. My ultimatum wouldn’t be about sending me texts from work, it would be either he sort his career to work some sensible hours that mean we see each other during the week and can fit children into our lives, or we split.

At the moment your DH sounds like he’s married to his job, and while I know some women are fine with that it doesn’t sound like you are - will the odd note or text really make up from his complete absence from your life during the week?

And as for “busy season” - if you want children, especially plural, you will only become exponentially more busy and have far far less “couple time” even working normal hours. So if you’re unhappy now, and you want kids, I’d really think about whether you want to save this marriage.

cheapskatemum · 15/11/2025 13:43

Your therapist told him to “do his best to connect with you”. He can’t do more than his best. I feel the conversation you need to have is how he feels he is best able to connect with you. It’s then up to you to consider whether this will work for you in the long term or not. Do you mind about him working long hours, for example? Maybe he could come home from work earlier one night, so you can do something together. You don’t mention children. If you are planning to have any, this one thing could be a dealbreaker, as you will be doing the grunt work of childcare on your own (my DH also works long hours).

Glowingup · 15/11/2025 13:42

He doesn’t care if he loses you. He really doesn’t. Do not have children with him, split up with him and move on. It’s when rather than if in terms of you getting divorced.

ilovesooty · 15/11/2025 13:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, good point.

Halfagum · 15/11/2025 13:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:40

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2025 13:37

This is actually very controlling.

Show quote history

It's not controlling to want to feel appreciated in a relationship - and if he didn't know how to do that then being told is pretty helpful.

Existentialistic · 15/11/2025 13:38

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time OP. There’s sonething “off” here from what you’re describing. How is your DH at weekends? Does he make time for you and try and connect with you then? If the answer is no, then it seems as though your DH is avoiding a connection with you. Is something else (or someone else) going on in his life?

You say you want children, please be careful as you could be left literally “holding the baby” with this man. What are his thoughts about having a family? Sorry it’s not working out how you would have liked, and don’t forget you still have the option to get out. Take care.

lostintranslation148 · 15/11/2025 13:38

Teathecolourofcreosote · 15/11/2025 13:34

Are you just fundamentally mismatched?

I am not a 'stuff' person. I don't get all the unnecessary frill. It's not cute to me, it just things to go in landfill and a heart shaped mug is just impractical.

My brain just doesn't work like that. I see people making bouquets out of banknotes of chocolate presented like flowers and really I think 'what's the point'.

You find posh jam a treat. He just sees jam. A thing to be eaten before work with no ceremony.

My husband knows this though and will buy me a pen knife or a torch - which I love but would have many on here complaining about terrible gifts.

You need something I'm not sure he's capable of giving. You enjoy the exercise of going into the shop, selecting something lovely, laying it out for him. He sees it as one more fucking thing to do.

I'm not really sure how him doing these things to satisfy a tick list is an improvement.

Either you start to find love in the things he does do (does this happen? Will he bring you a cup of tea, mend the watch strap you've broken etc) or you go your separate ways (and if there's absolutely nothing you can identify then maybe this is best).

You're not wrong to want this but you are wrong to expect it from someone who isn't on the same page.

When sending a text to your wife once a day is 'just one more thing to do' then the problem isn't the wife. I don't think the OP wants a ton of stuff, she just wants to feel seen and heard. She wants to feel like she is important to him, and one text a day really isn't too much to ask no matter what your love language is.