Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

We used to be very physical but that has definitely taken a step back. I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

You say that he works extremely long hours and will often come home at midnight.

There is a strong chance that this is a case of cherchez la femme (or l'homme).

The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days.

Ah yes. I don't have time for any meaningful connection but I still expect you to put out so that I can get my end away.

You mentioned he said he is not happy that you don't initiate intimacy anymore,do you think his emotional withdrawal is a form of passive aggressive punishment for this? You don't want to get into years of mind games.

You don’t sound compatible.

OP, this is who he is.
Men don't change, they are largely incapable of sustaining it.
You have to decide is this the marriage you are going to settle for.

So many women settle thinking change is possible and end up hugely disappointed and STUCK because they went ahead with children.

You will bitterly regret children in a marriage like this where you are already so unfulfilled and dissatisfied.

Get some therapy for yourself to figure out you.
He's clearly not interested in making it work.
Work and his practice is his priority.

Men often go all out to get the wife they want but will revert to their workaholic state, mask gone, when they have the partner in the bag.
Having children with them is really lonely and obviously it will be you are your career that will juggle children, not his.

Reducing your hours is what many women do, taking the huge financial hit to earnings and persion.
A disaster long term.

I think you have a lot bigger things to focus on than little gestures to be honest, it seems you are on two different pages regarding the whole relationship and future.

I would bet my bottom dollar that the reason things are intense and awkward at weekends is that OP is either (a) already pissed off that her DH hasn’t been texting her while at work or (b) is waiting for reciprocation to materialise in an obviously expectant way.

Ie her belief that he’s not doing enough then dominates and ruins the mood of the little time they do have together. Constantly.

Either they’re genuinely not compatible or OP (possibly with the help of her therapist) is ruining her own marriage with unrealistic expectations of how marriages usually work.

Actually, I wouldn’t be so sure that it’s not forever. Workaholism is like any other addiction except that you earn money rather than spend it. He could work long hours for the rest of his working life & either not retire, or retire & not know what to do with himself. Have you asked him why he works such long hours? I.e. what’s it all for?

She's already said she works, smart arse

I understand OP.

Whilst I will send a text or cook something nice, DH will do things like fill the car up with petrol the day before I have a long drive (frequent for my work unfortunately!) or run me a bath for when I get in if I have had an unusually long day. These small things matter but everyone shows them in different ways and crucially they are just not important to some people.

If small acts of consideration are important to you but not your husband then one of you needs to change your expectations as you’re just not compatible without that change.

Op. I used to believe his own hype with my dh's job (hes a doctor). All this im so busy, I dont get time to do xyz.
Then i worked in his surgery and saw the other male partners get thoughtful presents for their wife,arrange nights out. They were all working the same hours

Then I realised, if he wanted to, he would. He doesnt want to do the nice things with me.

Christ please don't get a dog if he's out until midnight and you're out 7.30 until 6. If you have a baby you will also be doing all the parenting

i Know you have taken vows etc but you are SO young op you can have so so so much fun being single, dating, doing hobbies etc and find a man who actually wants to connect and speak with you without it having to be a homework task for him! Please consider leaving him!
or at least pour the energy you’re spending worrying about him, caring for him and doing stuff for him into your self to build up your confidence. You’ll find it much easier to start again than in late 30s and you’ve got loads of time now to have kids elsewhere if you want to. Life is too short for this kind of husband at any age but especially not at your age!

You'll find on here that it doesn’t really matter what men do because they can’t win anyway but with respect he sounds absolutely knackered and you sound incredibly needy.

How does he say he shows his love?

So you are living like housemates barely meeting (if at all) during the week but together at weekends when he is preoccupied and so you have asked for some small gestures from him to make you feel that you are in a relationship rather than just coexisting which he agreed to but didn't follow through? How short term will this be as I think that's untenable long term in your relationship so something either has to significantly change or you'll end up miserable or leaving. It's not unreasonable to feel frustrated but he is probably shattered and may feel that his working is showing you how he feels as he is providing for you both (I have heard this from male friends). A few notes and texts aren't going to paper up the cracks IMO

You say yourself you are getting nothing from your DH.

No amount of telling the therapist or the internet how unreasonable he is will turn him into the husband you want.

You can’t dob him in to the relationship authorities and have him brought into line.

So what are you going to do?

It all comes down to what you need and want from him.. If it's like this now ,will it get better or worse.Will you feel resentment at him always being too busy...he sounds decent apart from his lack of emotional connection to you but it's very important to you.

I notice that the things you do for him are the things you would like to experience and then score is kept.

I don’t intend to be mean what you mention - coffee in heart shaped mugs, all the effort to go get him a cookie, to an extent the notes sound irritating. If I am working full-on and coming home at midnight the things I would appreciate are being given space, to recover from work and to mentally decompress.

A poster has pointed out that his “no response” is a response. Honestly, listen to this. Step back a little - cut the notes, the neediness and direct that time to you.

My husband is thoughtful and shows me he loves me - it’s exhausting. I am not wired the same way and it has me in a constant feeling of obligation to reciprocate.

He will bake for me, because he enjoys baking, but then I have to find a way to reciprocate. He texts me throughout the day how much he loves me, I am trying to get work done.

Are you showing you love in ways that make him feel loved or ways that you WANT to show love? Are you doing it for him or you? Now consider that he might be showing his love to you in ways that he would like to receive love, however you are not recognising it because it’s not your preferred way.

I show love through my words and affection. I buy gifts, not always expensive just something that shows I thought of the person, but I could happily not text during work.

I constantly have to adjust my natural behaviour to meet this expectations and it is stressful!

You're trying to change him. Never a good approach which will likely end in disappointment.

Have you actually done the 'love languages' test? Well worth 10 mins each of your time. Try and understand him before you try and change him.

Sorry but that did make me laugh! The notion of 'baking a favourite treat' and attaching a message on 'a sticky note'! Do people really do this sort of thing? I don't think my DH has ever left me a note - it just wouldn't occur to him - and I think a lot of men are the same. Just have to accept it, much as I would like it! On the other hand, I don't leave him notes either.

But anything that he does for you accept it.
It sounds like you need to make more time for each other. What are weekends like?

Does he know that you feel like flatmates and you're seriously considering leaving him?

Maybe you should tell him that. It sounds like he's filing your current complaints away as just meaningless nagging. He feels safe ignoring you. That might change if he realised he's actually on the verge of losing you. Don't threaten it unless you're prepared to follow through, though.

I wonder how DH would feel if he had to go through life for a bit without feeling appreciated by you? No little surprise treats, no sense someone is thinking of him throughout the day? If you pulled the plug on all that, or took an extended trip away and didn't call home, would he notice what's missing? It's not uncommon for men to put no effort into their marriages, then come over all mopey and misty-eyed after the divorce, remembering all the "little things" their wife used to do for them, that are now lost forever. Sometimes people need to experience the other point of view for themselves before they understand why their partner is so upset.

Apologies for this, I posted in the wrong thread. I've reported my post so hopefully it'll disappear.

Maybe try a different tact. Stop doing this nice things for him. Maybe (and nothing to do with you) they are not important to him. Instead do the nice things for yourself. Focus on caring for your self.