Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

Oh and what the future with a workaholic can look like?

My neighbour married one, he had his own small business.
He worked 6 days a week.
He played golf on Sundays to relax and was around sunday evening for a few hours.
That was it.
She worked as a teacher and raised their 3 boys.
It was her that took them to practice during the week and all matches.

She retired at 60 and has been enjoying her retirement, holidaying away for months at a time with family in Australia.

He continued to run his business until he had a stroke which has incapacitated him.
He is now in a home.

She wouldn't contemplate having him back into the family home to be cared for, as they had been living as a house share for decades.
She had back issues and the story was she wouldn't manage him.

She sold the home and business and he is in an excellent assisted living place.
They remain married but completely separated.
She felt sorry for him of course but he chose himself and his business years ago and left her too it.
She is very grateful she never gave up teaching and remained financially independent.

She loves her sons, but bitterly regrets the marriage.

Just read the thread, won't you? before writing unhelpful comments. She does work.

In my experience as a therapist (though admittedly not a couples therapist), if someone doesn’t do their “homework” it’s very often because the therapist has missed the mark. It sounds like he has been set a behavioural exercise that is superficial and doesn’t really go to the heart of what makes a relationship have the best chance long term, shared values. I’m not calling your needs superficial BTW OP, it’s more a criticism of the homework. Relationships change, positively and negatively over time. There’s probably a disconcerting amount of sheer luck in a long marriage that survives but the ones that seem to survive (anecdotally) have shared core values; not shared goals for 2026, not identical opinions but a shared understanding about what is really important to ourselves and to the other.

It’s not my training but there is a therapeutic approach called ACT which is among other things a sensible and pragmatic approach to understanding what drives you. I suppose I’m wondering if you’ve hit a difficult phase rather than an end and the wrong measures are being used to decide if it can work? Obviously I don’t know what else you have discussed with the therapist. I hope you find a solution 💐

I'd be concerned about a therapeutic situation where the counsellor seems to have decided that this is all on the husband to resolve.

It sounds like he compartmentalises. So the working week is for work. He doesn’t let anything else enter his head. When I had a very demanding job, I was like that too.

But it sounds like you spend a lot of time together at the weekends and he is generally kind and treats you well from what you say about him being chivalrous and putting you first.

You do seem a bit needy. To be honest, I wouldn’t want my DH leaving me love notes etc just because a therapist told him to.

You are just going to accept that he has no intention of saving his marriage. He has checked out already. He probably resents going to the guidance councillor. Not doing the homework is his way of sending you a very clear message.

Friends husband NHS worked crazy hours to become a consultant, he said that the hours would improve. They haven't. I don't know how she sticks it except she goes home to mums with the kids a lot.

My idea of hell.

Totally snorted reading that. 😆

OP, try dropping the rope for a bit, see how that works.

The little gestures wouldn’t matter if you felt connected to him. You both have a punishing work schedule, what are you working for if you have no time to enjoy life and your relationship. I think the therapist is dealing with the superficial (notes and flowers) instead of doing the harder work to explore what’s underlying the lack of connection.

I’ve had times where I’ve worked away from home and still maintained connection with my DH. It sounds like you’re leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to get him to notice you, and then being upset when that isn’t reciprocated. The gifts are a symptom of deeper disconnect, not the cure. I’d be going back to therapy and start talking - not about you leaving love notes - but when and how you both lost the connection.

Some men, also some women can only show affection/ emotional connection via sex . They just do not want to or even think about romanticism because it's not in their nature. Is it the case that you and husband are on very different wavelengths ?

I work full time and don’t text or think about my husband throughout the day at all. Or anyone else ( even my children, shock horror) never text anyone and fully emersed in work.

I would find the constant notes and expected reciprocation nauseating. Every note you leave is expecting a response, this is for your benefit only, not his. Love it so much more than heart shaped mugs and cookies, did you grow up watching a lot of rom coms and Disney?

he engages you in intelligent conversations and debate topics, talk about the future, values your opinion. These are all great strengths to equalise and show he sees you as equal, but you see him as inferior to your post it note love.

Id know what I’d prefer

You are making him the problem and it sounds like you’ve found a therapist who agrees with you.

OP, your posts feel all I, me, I, me, I, me. What you do and what you want. Nobody seems to have asked him what he wants. ..and then you drop into the mix he'd like you to initiate intimacy but you brush that off as another matter
It's quite likely he doesn't give a stuff about cutesy little notes, contrived brekkies, and heart shaped coffees.
Perhaps he just wants to wake up sometimes on a non working day to someone getting cuddly and intimate with him to let him know he is loved and his wife finds him sexy.
Pop that idea in your homework bag and see if that feels better and gets a better response from him. Instead of suffocating him with cutesy trivia ask him what he wants and give him that for a while before finding a way to BOTH express you love/affection for each other.
And please don't bring a child into the mix until you understand each other.

I’m not a soppy notes or even a romantic person but I do think it’s really important to show appreciation and acknowledgement that the person you’re sharing your life with is extra special to you. Just a short text saying thanks or hi with a heart emoji can mean a lot more than nothing at all. The fact he can’t even do that would be concerning to me if I was feeling neglected. Counselling after just two years looks like you didn’t really know each other very well before marriage, was it a short ‘courtship’?

This sounds like a mismatch in expectations and love language, not necessarily lack of love. Perhaps instead of looking for him to express his affection the way you do, you could find time to do things together and build goodwill and good memories that way. Crumpets/jam/biscuits might not be what he needs or expects, but it is sweet that you do it.

I do enjoy chatting with my partner every day but equally, if either of us are busy during the work day we don't need or expect to be texting each other.

I second the pp who said don’t get a dog, for all the same reasons.

Well not that. My husband will send me ‘hope you’re not too busy!’ Or just a kiss or heart emoji. Literally anything that shows he cares about me and my day. I do the same. It’s not all the time, it depends on the day / what we’re doing.

How long has it been since the therapy session where the therapist suggested and your husband agreed to find ways to connect? When is the next session?

Since he said he'd come up with his own ideas (instead of using the specific suggestion of texts), is it possible that your H interpreted the "homework" assignment as "brainstorm possible ways to connect and we'll discuss them at the next session" rather than "decide what to do and start doing it now, report back at next session"? If this is the case, your asking him about it between sessions may seem like pressuring or nagging to him, especially if he already has the idea that he is somehow significantly "busier" than you overall.

If he's freely agreed to therapy and seems to participate constructively in the actual sessions but doesn't really take what's been learned in therapy and apply it to make everyday life better, maybe he's putting TOO MUCH stock in the authority of the therapist or process of therapy and underestimating the work each of you need to do to apply the lessons of therapy to everyday life? If he refuses to talk about it, I'd bring up the topic of THAT disconnect at the next therapy session so the therapist can hold him accountable for explaining - maybe also discuss overall expectations and timeline for the couples therapy process and how the two of you might each be viewing it differently?

And don't be afraid to pack it in if it's really not working; don't wait forever because he wants to "let the process work" (rather than DOING the work)! Honestly, two years into a relationship with no children I'm not sure I'd have gone to couples therapy in the first place, let alone continue if it isn't working.

Listen to these wise words op

I think it's a shame the therapist has pushed your DH to do these things. They are clearly not his way of showing affection or love. You have mentioned many things that he does to show he cares for you and he is obviously working hard so that is another way to show you he cares about your future. It's not that he doesn't care about you he just shows he cares differently - he is not wrong, neither of you are but your expectations are unhealthy.

I think you are being too needy and suggest it is you who should be focusing on therapy as an individual and not couples therapy. You have some issues that you could talk through to help you to see that you are being unreasonable. Leaving notes and buying biscuits that you like are all nice gestures, if you like that sort of thing, but for some people, like your DH they are just not in his vocabulary. Your expectations to get him to do something that doesn't come naturally to him will only cause you more problems.

@Borae what is his parents’ relationship like? Is his Mum in a ‘housekeeper’ role with Dad ‘breadwinner’? If so then that’s his normal. My older parents on the other hand has a very equal relationship, yes Dad was out more but Mum did his business accounts. They had a relationship that was what I aspire to even now (notes and small gifts, lively conversation and spending down time together).

Op you can say I want intimacy too, like conversation, eye contact, acknowledgment I have a heart and feelings not just a body

@Borae It sounds like it's dead in the water. Move on while you're young enough to meet someone else to have children with.

A good, happy marriage that lasts the test of time won't be this difficult this early on. Divorce is on the cards. If I were you I'd get out now while you've only wasted a few years, there are no dependents and you've time to start over.

@Borae

IMHO, it's not actually the little notes themselves that matter. We can deal with someone who speaks a different love language without changing their language. We do so by learning to appreciate it, seeing behind their gestures/methods to the emotion powering them. When you start with appreciation of theirs, it often leads to them appreciating yours.

He's not taking your counseling sessions seriously, that's the real issue. To me that means he doesn't think your marriage matters enough to complete his 'homework' or to at least explain honestly to the counselor why he feels it's not necessary.

I'm not saying LTB now. I'm just saying that what needs to be focused on in counseling isn't him being given 'homework', it's whether nor not he is taking counseling seriously. Does he think things are just fine as they are or does he really not care about the marriage all that much in the first place.

You've only been married 2 years, time to reevaluate whether or not this is what either of you really wants.

The only thing he has ever brought up is my lack of initiating intimacy these days. That’s a separate matter.

It's clearly not a separate matter! Earlier you said
I have absolutely no impulse to initiate like I used to as I feel like he’s not doing his bit.

You're expecting him to change and do something that isn't coming naturally to him. But when he has asked something of you, it's irrelevant, and something you don't want to or should not have to do. I'm still seeing this as very one-sided where you are pushing 100% of the responsibility to improve things in the relationship on him.