Husband ignoring “homework” from therapist

I didn’t read about the lack of connection as I have not rtft so thank you for that.

I would say however that op may have known what she was getting into - or should have. These sorts of things should be talked through before marriage. This is not one-sided. She must accept responsibility for her part. We women are not and should not be passively waiting for a man’s affection. If it isn’t his style she chose the wrong man for her.

I must also say that I would be really pissed off if I was exhausted and got on my computer as a way of debriefing after working long hours - and someone was grumpy with me because I did not leave them notes. Her style of expressing affection(baking banana bread etc) isn’t that great either tbh. Love is much much more than that. It is in some ways about navigating the boredom of everyday life.

if they have a baby and all that entails let’s see if op continues with the love notes and banana bread…

I rarely think of my DH when i'm at work cos I'm too busy but we've been married 25 years. He'd say the same, no doubt. My DH is not at all selfish. He probably does more things for me than I do for him actually, but it doesn't involve love notes or "I love you" texts all the time. Most men show their love and care in other ways. Bringing you up a cup of tea in bed on a weekend morning. Getting up with the kids so you can have a lie in cos you're feeling a bit off colour, or have a bit of a hangover, even though it's your "turn" to get up. Offering to cook your favourite meal even though he's not particularly fond of it. Offering to drive to a family party (your relatives) so you can have a drink, even though he doesn't really want to go to Great Auntie Nellie's 80th. Letting you wear his gloves if you're out on a hike because you forgot yours. My husband has done all of these. He had a job with similar hours for most of his career, has only changed to mainly WFH 2 years ago.

We thought about each other all the time during the first few months of our relationship, as that's just nature doing its thing. But I don't think people who feel secure in themselves feel the need to constantly think about the other person all the time, and need constant reaffirmation of their love, once that stage is over. It just comes across as needy and insecure behaviour.

In fact the only women I've known to expect their husband to phone or text them through the day while at work have ended up divorced. It's not a healthy way to live.

How? Why bother be in a relationship if you have no time or energy to commit to it? Sounds like he’s using her so he doesn’t have to bother with cooking and cleaning for himself- and a bit of sex thrown in. I don’t want to be left the dregs of someone who’s giving his all to “ the community “.
I say this as someone with a really demanding and busy job - doesn’t mean I get to check out from my relationship.

Apparently expecting anything of a man is too high a bar.

It's clearly not more meaningful for the relationship of one of the two people in the relationship is completely unfulfilled. She's not a vessel for the community, she is in a marriage.

She hasn’t asked him to start leaving notes- that one of the things she does to show appreciation.
He does nothing… All she is asking for is for him to show affection or appreciation in some way. A text to say he’s thinking of her, a foot rub, cooking her favourite food - it’s not a high bar!
I came home after a very busy and tiring day yesterday- my DP had bought me a bar of my fave chocolate and had switched on the heated throw on the sofa so it was already warm when I got in. Oh - and put my pjs on the radiator so they were nice and toasty too.
Whats he bringing to the relationship?

This. I had a hugely demanding job involving multiple days in court, client meetings etc and preparing complex paperwork. I loved my husband but couldn't 'connect' during the day. Tbh sometimes it's a case of not being able to find mental space during the working day.

I don't think a therapist should be working with or taking money from a couple where both of them aren't committed to being in therapy or working towards a shared goal. It doesn't sound to me as though he wants to be there at all.

I am one of those people jumping in.

I think someone who works virtually 24/7 is doing something far more meaningful for the relationship (and the community) than leaving a stupid sticky note.

I'm going to be blunt.

There are pages of you "trying", he is not interested in changing the status quo - he likes it like this.

A clueless but willing guy whose wife asked for marriage counselling less than 2 yrs after marriage would be scrambling to meet you halfway ....Your dh wont put in minimal effort...

Love hearts and cookies are just the symptom so dont get too focused on it. He is a workaholic and ypu feel unseen and disconnected - thats the issue.

Raise it in therapy but really the options are accept it or leave.
Given you want kids i would be looking to leave asap. If he can show meaningful change during the separatiob process i'd agree to reconcile.

I’m genuinely surprised at some of the responses. You don’t see each other during the week because he’s chosen to set up a business and work long hours. When you are together at weekends, he’s often on his laptop and rare date nights are awkward due to the lack of interaction/connection between.

It’s not about the lack of notes/texts. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your husband to acknowledge your existence. To feel seen. Otherwise what is the point of being married and living together?

Not sure why some think you should be grateful for a husband that largely ignores you most of the time. Will he also be absent during the child rearing stage? It sounds pretty lonely.

It does feel mismatched given you want more emotional connection & he just wants more sex. You need to think about if you can be happy with the existing setup or need to leave.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're looking for or the way you show your husband you're thinking of him OP. Absolutely nothing.

I’m out the house from 7:30am to 6pm most days. Later if I go to the gym. I accept we are in a busy stage of life but I see no attempts from husband to alleviate the situation.

Sorry I hadn’t seen the bit where you said that you worked, nor had I realised that you don’t actually see one another during the week.

I think in your situation a text from him would be expected. It’s not going to take him long and he know’s how much it means to you.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you want DC with him. From what you’re saying he isn’t going to see you or any DC during the week and everything is going to fall on you.

Babies are hard but the stage I actually found the hardest wirh DC2 was 13 to 16. I think if DH hadn’t been doing a huge chunk of the parenting things would have possibly gone very differently for both of us and possibly DC2.

From what you’re saying he isn’t even fully present when he’s with you for a lot of the time?

I agree with this. Some marriage counsellors are dreadful, you need to be careful.

We saw one many years ago. We had an issue about extended family members where we just didn’t see eye to eye and it was causing issues in our marriage. We went to see someone for 3 sessions and all the therapist did was ask us what our individual thoughts were about the issue. So we just repeated the arguments we were having at home. He didn’t provide any insights or methods for conflict resolution. Just sat there and listened to us argue. After the 3rd session he emailed both of us advising that we get divorced!

It did help us in a way as we joined forces against the therapist and jointly emailed him to say what a ridiculous suggestion his was and that he should find another career!

@Borae Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage for some reason. Any ideas why? Is it possible he's met someone else?

I understand what you mean. Its not about love notes. Its about togetherness. That you share this life together. That you are each others first person to call/text/speak to when something happens or interests you. Its about inside jokes, shared vision, things to look forward to together.

Don't have a baby with him before you know for sure whats going on. Baby will not bring you closer. Baby would make you feel even lonelier.

My marriage to an undemonstrative man did last 15 years but it was a marriage at times of loneliness, insecurity and indefidelities on both sides.Like I mentioned on an earlier post we were not emotionally compatible but we had shared values and enjoyed travelling and theatre and walking.I already had a son from previous relationship,he had none and didn't want any,so that wasn't an issue.
You want more than he seems able to give you.

You’re so flowery. ‘Welcoming dogs’. Heart shaped mugs. Posh Jam.

It’s all so twee! I think you have a romanticised view of the world.

Im surprised the therapist hasn’t taken him into account.

You need to live in the adult world- the way you’re speaking is that you want teenage love. Putting hot drinks in a heart shaped mug to show how much you love him and wanting him to do the same??? He’s a grown up who works extremely long hours. Not everyone lives on their phone and feels a connection to people by texting- why would he send a text to you on his break saying he’s thinking about you when it’s just words - do you want him to send it to you regardless if he actually is or not???

I think you’re expecting too much, but the sad thing is there is likely someone out there who matches your energy and you have marrried someone who doesn't. Divorce or compromise because you are trying to change him as a person instead of being happy with how he operates and who he is

I think you have incompatible ways of showing love. Can you not think of 5 things he has done which may not be notes but could be a hug/kiss, an offer to arrange a date? The things you have done which while they are obviously things you appreciate like buying biscuits or writing notes they would seem a bit cringey to me and luckily my DH would not appreciate them either so he does not miss me not doing this. He appreciates when I cook him a nice meal or pick him up a new shirt or book tickets for a comedian he likes and a hug or kiss will usually get him on board with anything. He does like your husband does and offers me a seat, opens doors for me, respects my opinion and makes an effort to spend time with me and yes buy the odd bunch of flowers. Does your husband hug or kiss you or is there no tactile communications any more?

If he is not making an effort now before you have kids then I would question whether you are compatible long term. Was he better before you got married?

What did he used to do that helped you feel connected as even though he wasn't as busy, presumably you were both still working? You're not asking for much and I don't think you sound needy, you want to connect with the person you married as it is missing from your relationship. It's common for men to stop trying once they're married but that doesn't mean you just need to accept a lack of connection. You feel like flatmates and you're trying to fix it now instewd of waiting two decades. It sounds like you genuinely love him.

I don't really buy 'love language' stuff personally. We meet people we're compatible with and feel connected to and then we either maintain that or don't. We generally know what we're getting when we marry and it's ok to not accept connection dropping off the radar.

From what I can see here, your DH is in a busy period of his career when he is building his practice. He seems to be a bit of a workaholic. In and of itself this isn’t an issue if you are on board - ie if you’ve discussed that this is a temporary phase, if you take time out together (weekends away, pre-arranged nights out etc). But if he isn’t on the same page as you on this I would say that, sadly, he just wasn’t ready to get married at this stage of his career/business building and that, for him, that is his priority. Not you.

I’d say you have have limited choices:

1. you accept this is where you are and agree to take time out together until his practice is where it needs to be an he can prioritise you more (ie you accept/agree it is temporary)
2. you agree this is where you are and that it doesn’t suit your needs - and divorce him (ie, you accept things will not change).

If you were/are planning to have children together, the status quo is less than ideal and if you hang in there until ‘it gets better’ you could be left raising children on your own or deferring children only to find yourself divorced in the future and unable to conceive, due to your age. He seems ‘emotionally unavailable’ for whatever reason and you have to ask yourself whether this is the person you would want to parent children with, even if you personally could come to terms with a relationship that is very one sided.

I’d bin the couples counselling and have some one-to-ones to work out precisely what you want out of life. My gut feeling is that this is not what your relationship is currently offering and that you may be better walking away.

Therapists setting homework has many facets

it is initially a test of “buy in”
is the person willing / able to do something other than turn up and hope to be fixed
will they prioritise thinking about their session, between sessions ?
will they try to do things differently ??
are they willing to learn about their problem
i.e. engage actively with the therapy ??(

no homework completed often means therapy will be ineffective - as you can not ‘do therapy’ to someone
it has to be a collaborative process -
and this DH isn’t ’buying In” which suggests to me, he doesn’t see that HE is the problem !!

Given that you're out of the house for nearly 11 hours a day and he for longer, do not get a dog. You won't have time for it.

Your posts are really sad to read OP. You're newly weds and you're already getting outside help because things aren't right. You may love him, but you aren't compatible with him. If he's this self absorbed and career focused now, that will never change and you can't bring children into this.

I think you need to take this one on the chin and walk away while you can. You need to love yourself more than you love him because it's a one way street and you are always going to feel like this. Be strong.